She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks to you too Atlas. Good advice. I'm trying. I don't deal well with change and rejection. Yes, I do pray often. God is probably tired of my same old requests. God bless you. K

[NikB]

Atlas - you're right on with what I was saying/thinking. I know what you mean, it helps to write it in your own words sometimes.

She didn't even send me a Christmas card although I sent her one and took a gift to her house.

She probably really hated the fact that you did these things.. shows more clinging, then the text you sent later added to it with a guilt trip.

She didn't even call to thank me for the gift until I sent her a text asking if she got it 2 days later.

Because she probably didn't appreciate GETTING the gift...

What would you do to "test the waters?" Call, text, card?

Right now?? NOTHING. Don't even worry or think about this for now - turn the focus to you and getting yourself happy and whole. Give yourself a "I won't even think about contacting her before ____" date, and that'll give you some "freedom" to focus on you, I think.

I'm losing my usual hope with this house drama. If she sells that house, I would imagine that I'll never see her again.

Maybe, maybe not.. but I imagine there's some way you can reach her right? So I wouldn't worry too much about the house.

Lots of incredible memories. I am a hard core sentimentalist and would really get a lot of pleasure from living there.

Holding on to those memories means holding on to an R that is OVER. I understand the feeling, really I do. I had a very weird moment last year when all of a sudden I lost my "attachment" to our house - but it's been VERY freeing. Like you I'm very sentimental - I think that makes it even MORE important not to cling to the house. Can you imagine making new memories in the future in that house? Really wonderful memories alone, and/or with someone else?? Can you imagine living there with an amazing person that you meet 5 years from now?

I know both of you said NO, don't buy the house and I will certainly give that some thought BUT I really do just love the house, where it's located, not totally for the sentimental value.

I think the 1. love the house and 2. where it's located are great, but the 3. sentimental value makes me think it's a very bad idea to buy the house.

Also.. are you using that as an excuse to contact her? Another reason against it.. VERY clingy. In fact if you put in an offer on the house I bet she will be VERY unhappy with the intrusion and pressure, and it might well be the end of your R permanently. (it shows you snooped, found an excuse to contact her, and were so obsessed w/her that you're buying the house you two spent a lot of time in.. I can see her turning down any offer you made just for those reasons)

I would never be sad thinking that's where we made most of our memories. Just the opposite. It would be comforting. Is that crazy?

No, not crazy at all. It's comforting to be stuck in the past sometimes. But that's not a way to move forward and build a new happy life. I bet eventually it would be sad or at least bittersweet.

[NikB]

Oh yeah.. I almost forgot...

((((KinlovewithM))))

(that means hugs to you)

I know this is hard.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Nik. Thanks for explaining the hugs. I'm not real familiar with the abbreviations for computer lingo and text messaging. I tend to be a literal typist. Hugs to you, too. You are very sweet.

I just got back from seeing my shrink. I called him this morning and he had an opening tonight at 6:00 so I went and bitched & whined & cried. He basically tells me the same thing as you all. He said absolutely do NOT buy the house. He said get her off my mind, move on, she is NOT coming back. He's been trying to tell me this for a year now. I'm think I'm ready to take him up on it.

I love her and would be so happy if we could be together happy, BUT she obviously wants a different life. I have no control over that so I have no choice but to move on. I am so tired of crying and getting hurt over and over. This is difficult but I suppose I'll give it a try.

No, I was not using the house idea to contact her. I really was "in love" with the house and it's location compared to my current location. BUT I do agree with you and my shrink that I do not need to buy the house. Shrink says it will perpetuate my obsession with GF and the Relationship and to get over this, I have to get all of that out of my mind.

Yes, it has been comforting to stay stuck in the past. Maybe I'm ready to "grow up." (I'm 49.) Ha.

FYI - Reasons I've been reluctant to give her up:

1. The obvious - I'm in love with her.
2. She's beautiful. We "look good" together. I'm blonde, she's brunette.
3. She has a great body.
4. She's intelligent, educated, has a professional job, etc.
5. Where I live, it's not easy to meet new people (especially professional, educated, beautiful, gay women).
6. We had an absolutely amazing sexual chemistry between us. Neither of us had ever experienced anything like it.
7. We were opposites and that made being together quite interesting (different strengths).
8. We really did have some great times together, enjoyed having "fun" together.
9. We were both religiously in sync (until the fanaticism came along).
10. I loved her house and being there with her.
11. She was my best friend for 2 years. I miss talking to her and sharing everything.

Thanks again. K

[NikB]

Hey K - you're welcome!

Interesting that your shrink agreed with us on the house. Glad we were on the right track since obviously he knows you better than we do!

I am so tired of crying and getting hurt over and over. This is difficult but I suppose I'll give it a try.

I think this is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for her right now.

FYI - Reasons I've been reluctant to give her up:


1. The obvious - I'm in love with her.
2. She's beautiful. We "look good" together. I'm blonde, she's brunette.
3. She has a great body.
4. She's intelligent, educated, has a professional job, etc.
5. Where I live, it's not easy to meet new people (especially professional, educated, beautiful, gay women).
6. We had an absolutely amazing sexual chemistry between us. Neither of us had ever experienced anything like it.
7. We were opposites and that made being together quite interesting (different strengths).
8. We really did have some great times together, enjoyed having "fun" together.
9. We were both religiously in sync (until the fanaticism came along).
10. I loved her house and being there with her.
11. She was my best friend for 2 years. I miss talking to her and sharing everything.

Even though the type of R may be different, I bet you'd find a very similar list from a LOT of us on here.

What goals have you set for yourself to work towards letting go and moving on?

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik - it's good to have this daily advice.

Shrink says I have to use "thought stopping" when she pops up in my mind. The thing is I enjoy thinking about her. But for right now, I'm thankful to have a job where I don't have much time to think.

I have made the decision not to contact her at all with a card, text, call. Shrink says don't respond if she calls me. That's unlikely to happen. And no more snooping (I just get hurt by finding out destructive information).

I'm sincerely thinking about where I want to live and where I want to work. Without her to think about, those things are a little different. I have been comtemplating a change of geography and a hopefully better job for several years. To be honest that was another reason why I was thankful to have her in my life. I got to live part-time in another area which was very private and beautiful. She helped to alleviate the boredom of my current situation. So, we'll see.

I am reading and studying a really good book dealing with developing better self-esteem, acquiring confidence, etc.

I still have work to do with OCD, "letting go" of trying to be controlling, etc. As you said earlier, I have a ways to go.

I didn't cry today. I feel sort of numb, neutral. Shrink says don't go for happy, just go for neutral right now.

If you have anymore advice I'd surely take it.

Thanks again for this support. K

[NikB]

Hey K - (can I call ya K??)

Glad it's helping!

Hey one thought.. maybe time to change your user ID? (since I assume "m" is her?). What about.. KinlovewithK?? Or KinlovewithL (L=Life.. I know you're not there right now, but it's fake it til ya make it time)?

Thought stopping is a great tool! Different things work for different people so find what works for you. Good advice on the calls, texts, snooping, too.

I was a little unsure why the shrink said don't call her back if she calls you first. Is he (or she?) thinking that this is an unhealthy R to pursue at all, even if she comes around and wants to work on things? (this may well be true, I was just curious on that part).

Yes, it's kind of freeing to think about your life in a new context - where to live, what to do, what you want to accomplish. Glad to see you looking at those things.

This is all hard work though, no doubt about it. I have quite a ways to go on a lot of those things myself.

Numb and neutral are good for now... but don't miss those opportunities for happy here and there! Sometimes those moments sneak up on ya but you talk yourself out of it in a way, because you're "supposed" to feel sad or neutral or whatever. So if you feel a little "happy" creeping in - embrace it and enjoy it!!

If you don't mind sharing - what part of the country do you live in?? I was thinking maybe we could brainstorm some "alleviate the boredom" ideas of your own..

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik. Yes, you can call me K.
Good idea about changing the name. Not sure how to do that but I might soon. I don't really think about what it means anyway. I just look for the K.

Yes, my shrink thinks the relationship is/was a bad one even if she comes back. He thinks she is probably going to continue being emotionally unavailable as she is unaccepting of being a lesbian. She has some childhood emotional damage that we (shrink & I) don't see her attending to in this lifetime. So he just thinks it's best for me to move on, forget her and find someone else. By the way, I would call her back if she called. Maybe not immediately but certainly within 24 hours. I have a feeling that's never going to happen though. Hate to be pessimistic, just realistic.

I try to take everyone's advice, including my books, mix it with my gut feelings and beliefs and try to do what I think I need to do. This is certainly not easy. I think I've explained before that she's heavy into religion at this time and thinks being gay is wrong. Shrink says that's just an excuse to avoid being with a woman (her real issue).

So that's why it's hard for me to find really good advice on this site because not only am I battling her leaving me but 1) I have no reason for contact (like some of you do with children), 2) We are not or never have been "married" like most of you and 3) She doesn't want to be a lesbian anymore! Too much drama!

Don't worry. I have been and continue to seek sincerely happy moments. I enjoy myself quite a bit. I love to read and could do it all day. I have friends and family. But you know it's not the same.

I live in Tennessee. But the boredom thing is not activity. I teach school, go to church, go out with friends on the weekends, work out at a gym, "walk" for exercise with a couple of friends on some weeknights and weekends, take trips with my 20 year ago ex, who is my current best friend, do things with my nephews. Broken record - But you know it's not the same.

I want someone to live with, sleep with, make love with, connect with, you know. I suppose boredom to me means no lover/partner. And where I live, not much opportunity to meet a beautiful, intelligent, professional, single lesbian.

3600 posts - you sure have been busy in 1 1/2 years! Hope you're doing well with your situation. I promise I will read up on it soon and maybe even give you some advice! Ha. If you are still living together, count your blessings. Sounds good to me. Small improvements sound wonderful. I would be thrilled. No contact at all, she doesn't return my calls or texts, doesn't call me for any reason, etc. SUCKS!

But this is really nice having you as a "penpal." Good luck to you and keep writing. It is helpful.

K

[Kinlovewithm]

I realize some of you may not understand or approve of same-sex relationships but I sure would appreciate some more advice besides that of NikB & Atlas (they have been wonderful). I know out of 250 "browsers" at least some of you must have some opinions or advice that you don't mind sharing. All advice is welcome. Thanks. K

[NikB]

Hey K - wanted to let you know I didn't forget about ya! Just got extremely busy this week and haven't had time to get back on. I'll reply more soon but in the meantime, I'm sending positive thoughts your way.