I'm sure there's stuff that hasn't come up on the board or with the counselor, since I've only been on the board for a month and in counseling for 2-3. But I feel like I'm really good at being open with people about my feelings. What I meant by 'the dark side' is just what is still unnamed or unknown and hurting. If there is something I'm not sharing it's because I don't see it myself or I'm not looking at it. Which is pretty friggin scary if you ask me. Honestly I feel really depressed and disoriented about all of this. I guess my comfort zone is officially "I'm so healthy please don't notice my weaknesses."
Today was really hard. I did a good job in my piano quartet rehearsal and in my piano class. But afterwards I had to go hide behind the grand piano in one of the practice rooms and cry for a while. Next to a forlorn crumb from one of yesterday's muffins. After orchestra instead of going to aerobics and then back to school to practice I just came home and crawled into bed, with one of my hot 180 outfits on, nonetheless. I just sent my C an email to ask for advice.
I have always thought of organizing my emotions as a good thing but I can see now how sharing things that way can be very oppressive and controlling, and how this has damaged a lot of my relationships. I just really had blinders on about this and I feel pretty embarrassed and ashamed about it. When someone is sharing something with me I am a really good listener. But when I am sharing with someone else I think I will just keep going even if they don't want to deal with my stuff. So I have a lot more work to do.
I'm glad my C pointed this out to me, b/c I'm not sure how I would have figured this out by myself. But growing can be really painful sometimes.
So, I am very low, but cleaning out the basement, as it were...
