need advice....now

[lizcotton]

My H has been gone from the house for 2months now. It was rough in the beginning and I was doing everything you aren't supposed to...pushing get help advice, articles on marriage, etc. I finally backed off and for three weeks now I haven't contacted my H. On advice from DB coach, I wrote H a ltr and left it with his mail. He only comes by our house when I am not there, so no chances of seeing me. My note was brief and I told him I only wanted to share 5 things with him. The jest of those things were that happiness is a journey, not a destination; and that I want to save our marriage. They were very short statements. I left this for him last week and he picked it up last Friday. I sent him a text msg Sun telling him I hoped he was enjoying our warm weather and to have a great superbowl if he had plans. Monday I sat down and wrote him an actual ltr as my DB coach originally suggested. It was less than a page, but I feel I may have put to much about my wants. About how I want us to work on us. Regardless, I mailed it to his work and he should have gotten it today or will tomorrow. My big problem is he's been coming and going from the house whenever he wants and it was beginning to bother me. He chose to leave our home and so far has not returned to stay. I chose to have our house locks rekeyed yesterday. (i've changed them once before since he left but gave in one day after doing so and met him at the house with new keys) I did it this time b/c I felt like he was still having all the perks of living here only not having to see me and not actually living here. I never know when he's going to come by. He doesn't leave a note or anything. Also, I don't want him removing himself from the house. (he only took his clothes when he left) He tried to come by today but couldn't get in. He called but I ignored the call. We exchanged a few emails where I told him my intentions are not to keep him from our home, but that I only want him to give me some respect and let me know when he's going by. He said he feels like I'm trying to control him and he now has to make an appt to enter his own house.
Please tell me if he's got a point??? I don't want to control him, but I'm not sure why it's so important to me to do this one thing of locking him out. I only want him home to stay, but I'm afraid he'll move out for good if he has a key. I just love him so much and hate him not being here. I'm confused and afraid I'm giving him the wrong impression. My intentions are not to hurt him, but I just want him home so badly. What do I do? Give him a key?

[inmyplace]

liz,

I am not sure how to answer but let me poitn out a couple of things.

I told him my intentions are not to keep him from our home, but that I only want him to give me some respect and let me know when he's going by.

If this is your reasoning, you are not controlling him, but rather setting boundaries.

but I'm afraid he'll move out for good if he has a key.

If this is the reason, then you are being controlling.

Obviously, he doesn't know your reasoning.

I know you are hurting and feel as if your world is shattered. Also, I am not sure whether you should give him the key or not. But at some point, you will need to let the chips fall where they may. I know you can't think about itnow, but over time no matter what happen you will be ok. Just keep that in mind.

In the meantime, do the things that make you happy. Try to keep yourself as busy as possible. Go see a counselor. Go to your your priest, rabbi, or minister. Find someone who can listen to you without being judgmental one way or the other.

Hang in there, liz. The alternative is not pretty.

IMP

[sgctxok]

On advice from DB coach, I wrote H a ltr and left it with his mail. My note was brief and I told him I only wanted to share 5 things with him. .... I left this for him last week and he picked it up last Friday.

I sent him a text msg Sun telling him I hoped he was enjoying our warm weather and to have a great superbowl if he had plans.


Monday I sat down and wrote him an actual ltr as my DB coach originally suggested. It was less than a page, but I feel I may have put to much about my wants. About how I want us to work on us.

I never know when he's going to come by.

Also, I don't want him removing himself from the house. (he only took his clothes when he left) He tried to come by today but couldn't get in. He called but I ignored the call.


We exchanged a few emails where I told him my intentions are not to keep him from our home, but that I only want him to give me some respect and let me know when he's going by. He said he feels like I'm trying to control him and he now has to make an appt to enter his own house.

A few things....as I understand it....your DB Coach meant one letter. You have several here. You need to back off again.


Changing your locks protects you. It can also set you 'at war'. I think its an ok boundary. One more thought on this:
Also, I don't want him removing himself from the house. Your action is not likely to achieve this goal.

What would be likely to achieve that goal?

Please tell me if he's got a point???

Yes he does.

I don't want to control him, but I'm not sure why it's so important to me to do this one thing of locking him out. I only want him home to stay, but I'm afraid he'll move out for good if he has a key.

You are controlling the situation to a point. Again, this action is not likely to stop him from moving out.

I just love him so much and hate him not being here. I'm confused and afraid I'm giving him the wrong impression. My intentions are not to hurt him, but I just want him home so badly. What do I do? Give him a key?

You can use this.

First....do you have any sessions left with your Coach?

Second...stop being reactive....brainstorm your actions here first.

Use your actions (changing your locks) to center yourself. At least you've controlled the fact that someone can enter your space and you not be aware of it. There is value in that.

I just want him home so badly.

Let's work on this--what else did your coach tell you?

[missmyfriend]

I only want to add, liz, that this takes time. You need to learn patience.