with strength and hope4

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Shorty, you said a bunch of things a while back, I wanted to ask you about, selfishly.

Typical of children of alcoholics. When I was younger I left home and never returned. I finally was able to put up and keep boundaries with my parents as it was best for me. It never felt comfortable. At that point in life my self worth was slowly growing. Then I met my H.

For many years things were good..but the trap was there. The wife who would do anything to please and the H who wanted always to be the center of the universe. Talk about exhausting. For me. Basically I felt used up. And I was.

I guess this isn't that uncommon for children of alcoholics. For the details you provided, it's like a mirror of my W's childhood. She left the house at 18 to go to college and never looked back. Her mom and dad divorced when she was 6. Mom became an alcoholic. W always harbored ill will toward her father for leaving the family and abandoning her and her sis (no child support). And I think she always had mixed feelings about her mom - loved her but also ashamed of her.

the experience set up patterns in me that have taken a long time to change. The patterns get in when you are so young they become part of you. They become normal. The habit of pleasing others and denying self is one. Seeing yourself as worthless is another. And yes knowing we can not change others is there. Certainly as a child you are powerless to do anything, but worse than that you actually are dependent on your parents. So the pattern is one of thing if I change me to suite them I will survive another day. So changing me is not one of self care but to please others. In a sense self ruin.

So here is where I really want to pick your brain. This issue - the ACOA phenomenon - is at the root of the problems in my marriage I think. My wife perceives me to have been totally dominating of her for all our years together, when I don't see it that way at all. I don't deny her perception, only that I really did not intend it and actually strove for partnership with her on all things. She ran the finances. She picked the houses we lived in. She led on how many kids we had. And many other big things.

In any case she felt inadequate, had an affair, and then we had the typical messy arguments, recriminations, crying, push/pull.

We are different people, W and I. I like to please others but don't feel like it tears me down to do it. I feel fulfilled as a husband and father, in providing and caring for people in my family. I think maybe she feels like she has to please others, and she has in the past blamed herself for example, when I was not happy. She took that on herself.

Unlike your sitch, I was not dishonest with W. I did not betray her, or lie to her, or hide things from her. I always wanted to be there for her.

All that is water under the bridge. The question now is, what does it take for her to recognize the pattern for herself, to stop denying herself and yet, not discard her marriage in the process.

I guess I am just looking for some insight into my dear W, from you, who had a similar beginning.
anything you can share, I'd appreciate it.