Unrequited Love...

[JennyF]

B...I've been thinking about this peace corps thing too. I think Transformer gives you good advice to support her in it.
But I think the peace corps represents something. It's not the peace corps itself...but there is something she feels is missing in her life and she thinks this may fill that void.
As with my H...they feel as though they've missed out on something and we're the cause of all their misery. The best thing we can do is get out of their way so they can realize...IT ISN'T US!!
If it wasn't the peace corps...it would be something else...like OM. Either way...she's got to figure it out.
I've been thinking about you a lot today...hope you're doing well.
J~
OH...and I think it is a great thing that she says she may have made the biggest mistake of her life last night. I think maybe she was feeling you out and you did not react as expected. Keep it up!!

[bhopeful]

The rest of the IM conversation goes as follows:
W: I know
I just don't want to keep you hanging.
It isn't fair for you to wait for me
B: I'm fine
W: In agony from the horrible pain I've inflicted on you
B: you have your own pain to deal with. don't worry about me.
W: You are right but I will always worry about you
B: As I you

And then we somehow got into astrological signs and how I'm a fire element and she's water and that we're not compatible, blah, blah, blah... I ended up telling her that my name means strength so I'm a strong fire that can't be put out by some water. She didn't have anything to say to that. I don't put a whole lot of stock in the signs. I believe life is what we make it and we're not predestined by the stars... ANYWAYS...

Kalni-
I do have the strength and will to continue. I don't see this as being over with. Just one more attempt by the alien to push me away. I can tell she fights with this alien inside of her. Otherwise why would she care so much about me still being around and wanting me to be her best friend and confidant. You're right in that time will tell. I hope my poor little heart can stand the abuse.
At the beginning of the year I remember hearing a report that the divorce rate rises from the beginning of the year to around Valentines day. The peak of that rise is around this week or last, so I guess we're just seeing that reflected here too. I almost congratulated my W last night for making the average, but I thought that might be a bit too spiteful.

hope-
Thank you for taking the time to check out my situation. I appreciate your input. I think that you're right in that I need to let her find her way back to me. Although, I can't completely agree that I shouldn't be her rock. I'm not going to jump in and save the day anymore, but if she wants to lean on me then I will definitely let her. I completely agree that she was trying to free herself from some guilt last night. I didn't make it easy on her though. Not that I was trying to be difficult, but because I truly strive to have unconditional love for her. I also think that her actions say that she still cares. This is where I have to believe little of what they say and half of what they do.

Transformer-
Sweet T! Hugs to you... Thank you so much for your input.

You know that there is a calm, beautiful woman, full of light, somewhere inside your beloved W. Keep loving and believing in that woman, even though she is completely invisible right now.

I love this description of her. She is my beloved one. I have faith that I will see her again someday. I get brief flashes of her from time to time and it gives me hope.
Thanks for the info on the Peace Corps. I know that they have a pretty rigorous interview process and I don't think that she would pass it in her current state unless she was able to lie her way through. She recently talked with a couple people that were in it and I think that they talked her into wanting to do it. I know that she wouldn't do well with isolation. I can't tell her any of this though as she wouldn't even listen. She would just interpret it as me trying to control her.
I don't plan to stop being her rock. There aren't too many people that she can truly rely on if it comes down to it, so there's no way that I would shut her out.
I like your seed analogy. My little sprouts sure are competing for space and she keeps trying to pluck them out...
It's hard not to get discouraged when I find out that just over a week ago she told my neighbor that she was thinking of coming home. I guess that just goes to show how confused she really is.

Thanks to all for your input and to those who just read.

B

[bhopeful]

Thanks Jenny. It means a lot to me to know that you're out there thinking of me. I know that I'm not alone as I have friends and family, but I still feel really alone after last night. Knowing that there are people here that care about me helps with that.

She asked me to give her advice as a friend last night about her decisions that she's making. I told her that I would give her the same advice that I gave one of my other friends that is going through a divorce. I think that you have to fight for your M. Then she asked me even if that meant that you might not ever be happy again. I replied that I believe in the commitment that I made and that being happy has to come from with in and that you share that in a M. Not the other way around in that you need a R to make you feel happy. Probably not the most DB of answers, but she wanted my opinion on it. I hold the sanctity of marriage in high regard and I am fiercely loyal once I make a commitment to someone.

I agree with that I have to support her the best that I can. It's not like I can stop her anyways. If I try to stand in her way she'll just rebel against me more.

As with my H...they feel as though they've missed out on something and we're the cause of all their misery. The best thing we can do is get out of their way so they can realize...IT ISN'T US!!

I agree completely...

-B

[craig54]

b, your response to your wife was a ok.i don't think it is wrong to let your wife know that you stand for your marriage. i did the same thing.

[bhopeful]

I thought that I was confused before, so last night must be the frosting on my confusion cake.

Around 7:30 I went out to clear the driveway since we got about a foot of snow. I was actually able to get my snowblower started, so I cleared my neighbors driveway too. It took me about an hour to get it all done. In that hour, my W called twice and emailed my neighbor looking for me. Her first message was just "Hey, call me back if you want to talk.", but her second message was much more surprising. It went something like this (The ...'s are more talking. It was a very long and rambling message.):
"Hey it just me again I realize that your probably doing..., I was really calling to see if you wanted to come over tonight and I dunno know, just cuddle or something but I understand if you don't want to. It's 8 already and the roads are kind of bad... Call me back if you want..., ..., ..."

So I called her back and I ended up braving the roads to get up to her place at around 9:30. I hadn't eaten dinner yet and she ate late in the afternoon, so we were both hungry. I ended up going out to pick up some sandwiches and we chilled out on the couch, ate and watched some TV. I had brought some records along, so I put on an awesome Clapton album after we finished eating. Then she was like, so you want to cuddle. I said sure and pulled a pillow onto my lap. Then she said no, I was thinking of in my bed. WHAT!??@!?%$@!? I just said ok. She jumped in and climbed under the covers and I just kind of laid on top because I didn't know what the boundaries where. She told me to get under the covers, so I did and put my hands behind my head. Well she scooted over and put her head on my chest so I put my arm around her. This continued for a while and we just talked about nothing in particular and listened to the music. The only interruptions where when I had to get up to switch albums out.

It was after midnight before we knew it and she asked me if I planned on spending the night or going home. I said that I hadn't really thought about it and that I would leave it up to her. I figured that if I was going to spend the night that she meant that I would be sleeping on the couch. Then I don't remember exactly how she put it, but it was something about sharing her bed. Well after I heard that, my decision was pretty simple. I ended up spending the night. I spent the whole night holding her in my arms. Except for one point I woke up and decided to test things a little, so I rolled over with my back to her. Well, she rolled over and started holding me! Nothing sexual happened, but I can't say that it wasn't on my mind.

I got up pretty early so that I could get home and let the dogs out. I really don't know what to make of all this. It definitely goes to show how confused she really is. I'm going to take it for what it was and enjoy the feeling that I had. Though, for someone who's primary LL is physical touch, this definitely started refilling my empty tank.

She asked me to call her once I got home this morning, so I did and we ended up talking for another half hour. I don't know if she is testing me or trying to explore her feelings for me or what, but I'm not going to try and analyze it. I'm just going to go with the flow...

Any input is appreciated.

Peace,
B

[smith18]

As you say... "go with the flow". Enjoy the ride, even though it is a rollercoaster.

She asked me to call her once I got home this morning, so I did and we ended up talking for another half hour. I don't know if she is testing me or trying to explore her feelings for me or what, but I'm not going to try and analyze it. I'm just going to go with the flow...

I don't even know what to say - Your W is behaving in a similar fashion to mine. They pull you in, you don't want to push back because it might be the breakthrough you've been waiting for, but it makes detaching completely impossible. I think every time I adjust myself to detach from my W, she finds a way to get me curious again.

My W would always be very affectionate and interested in me when things were bad with OM - If they had a fight, or whatever. Once she got her head back in OM mode, all of that fell away again. So, don't be surprised if she backs off quickly, or if all of a sudden she's back to where she was a couple of days ago. So, on the plus side, if she goes quiet again, it probably has very little to do with you. On the flip side, the fact that she suddenly became interested in you again most likely has little to do with you too - I highly doubt you suddenly did something to change her mind, or make her see you differently.

I guess you just keep doing what you're doing - It's obviously not pushing her away, but you need to find a way to keep yourself strong, otherwise you'll burn out. It's a really difficult balance to maintain.

[bhopeful]

She definitely has to get him out of her system before she can commit to me. I've got no expectations right now. If she wants to do something, then cool, otherwise I've got plenty of other things to do to occupy my time. I'm going to try really hard not to obsess about it.

I think that you're right in that I didn't do anything to change her mind, but I did demonstrate my unconditional love for her and I think that she finally saw it.

I hear you on trying to detach. It was going to be pretty easy after Tuesday night, but after last night it's going to be really hard.

Also, she's asked me to hang out on Saturday. It sounds like she wants to spend pretty much the whole day with me...

[bhopeful]

She stopped over tonight for a few minutes before her meeting. There are just a couple things to make note of...

1. She said that if she would have brought her stuff for work tomorrow that she would have spent the night. I don't know if that's spend the night in bed with me or spend the night on the couch, but either way having her spend the night would have been nice.

2. Before we separated she bought a ring to wear in place of her wedding ring when she was playing sport or doing something where she didn't want to have to worry about her ring. It has "I Am My Beloved And My Beloved Is Mine" enscribed in Hebrew around the ring. She's worn this before since the separation, but never on her ring finger. Well, tonight she had it on her ring finger. Maybe it was just a fluke. I don't know, but I definitely noticed. I don't think that I mentioned it in my previous posts, but when she told me it was over Tuesday night I took my ring off and put it on the table. I haven't worn it since. I don't know if I should put it back on now or what. I think that I may wait and see if she starts wearing hers consistently.

So this all just adds to my confusion. I'm afraid to ask her what's going on. She's also made it a point to let me know what she's doing this entire weekend and none of it includes the OM. She is going to hang out with a couple guy friends, but they are both homosexuals so I don't feel much threat from them.

As always, any input or advice is appreciated.

B

I don't think that I mentioned it in my previous posts, but when she told me it was over Tuesday night I took my ring off and put it on the table. I haven't worn it since. I don't know if I should put it back on now or what. I think that I may wait and see if she starts wearing hers consistently.

Even when things were really bad, I never took my ring off - It's a really personal decision. Sounds like you took it off out of hurt and anger, rather than because you were really 'done'.

I wouldn't follow her lead as far as rings go - You never know; She might not wear her's because she noticed you're not wearing your's.