Ok, so, the trip to Reno this past weekend went fairly well, I think, although it came close to not happening at all.

In the weeks leading up to Super Bowl weekend, H would often ask if I was excited about going, commenting on how he was looking forward to it.

Well, last Friday came along, and for whatever reason, H wanted to bring up the subject of the last person I had been seeing. I was a bit uncomfortable with it but went along anyway. I suppose if I had questions I wanted to ask him about who he was dating, I'm sure I would appreciate it if he'd answer me as well.

Anyway, what he was getting at was that it angered him to know that for the past year or so, while he was out working his a$$ off, I was going out and having fun. At his expense. I was spending his hard-earned cash on gas and whatever else to go out with this guy. (FYI - it never cost me more than $20 to go there, which was only once a week because of my availability, and whatever we went out to do, he always paid for everything.)

Never mind that I've been working, too, for the past year. Limited part-time work, but still working nonetheless, and in addition to what I get from H every week, I've always used my income, as small as it is, on necessities first. Little luxuries come dead last.

Never mind that he was dating someone else as well and more than likely spent money on her.

Never mind that he can go out and buy himself a Harley, while I was wrong and "irresponsible" for spending $130 on a new (needed) cellphone (and it was money I had saved up from my earnings).

Never mind that if and when this D goes through, the kids and I will receive support for x-amount of years, I will use it wherever it's needed or however I wish (sensibly of course), and there is not a damn thing he can say or do to change it.

H was getting p*ssed and felt it very necessary to let me know just how angry he was. I told him I didn't understand why he was doing this when I hadn't said a word to him about what he's out there spending himself. H said it's different since I do not earn a substantial income. Thanks.

The man nets anywhere from $6000 to $10000 a month, and here he is, giving me sh*t about having spent $80 to $100 a month on gas to go out and have fun. Are you f*cking kidding me??!!

I'm angry just thinking about it now, but at the time, well if he was trying to make me feel guilty about it, he succeeded. I started crying a little and said I just could not understand why he was doing this. At that point, I said I had to get off the phone to compose myself because it was time for me to leave and take the kids to my parents. I did not want my mom to see that I had been upset.

After all that, I had assumed that the trip was cancelled.

H called the next day (Saturday) and asked why I hadn't called him back. I said I didn't know that I was supposed to. He asked if we were still going to Reno, and I said that was up to him. He seemed so damn angry Friday evening, so I hadn't bothered packing for the weekend. I thought he might not want to go after all.

H said he was just angry, and still was when he called me back, because he felt like a chump who was out working while his W was out having fun with someone else. I said, "I wasn't the only one." He didn't like that too much, and again said it was different since he's the breadwinner.

Things were getting a bit heated again, and I finally said, calmly, "You know what? If you want to think about things that happened in the past that are only going to make you mad, go right ahead. Because I can see how being angry makes it a whole lot easier to say, 'You know what, W? F*ck this. I don't want to go anywhere with you.' "

I swear, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, and after about 60 seconds (seemed longer though), he finally said for me to pick him up when I was ready to go. I just said ok and left it at that.

Picked him up about 40 minutes later, and everything went fine from that point on. Checked in at the hotel, gambled some, and went to bed late. Nothing happened, and I wasn't expecting for anything to happen. H and I did share a bed, but all he did was hold me while we fell asleep. I was alright with that.

Sunday went well until we got back to the casino (we left to put gas in the truck so we could just skedaddle right after the game). As we parked, there was some guy walking nearby, and h made a comment. I said something back, can't remember what exactly, then H said, "I bet that's what all the guys you dated looked like."

Ok, it p*ssed me off, but I didn't say anything. Just got out of the truck and slowly started making my way inside, trying to let it go.

H got out and said what's wrong. I said nothing, I want to go inside. We walked in and I remained quiet.

It was bothering me that here we were, together, just the two of us, and H had to say something about "all the guys I dated". Who are all these guys?!! I only met and went out with 2 guys after we S'ed!

H knew I was upset and wanted to talk about it, I said I didn't want to. I just wanted to watch the game now. He kept pressing the issue, so I finally told him to just leave me alone. I also told him I didn't care for what he said. He said all he was saying was that the guy who was outside was probably the type I was into. Sarcastically, I replied, "Just like how you're attracted to any female with a job."

Probably shouldn't have said that, but I didn't care. I was hurt, and I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. As expected, it made him mad.

For the next few minutes, we argued under our breath while looking for a seat to watch the game. H said, "If this is going to have any chance of working out, you need to learn to let sh*t go and learn how to take a joke. You don't need to get so f*cking mad over nothing." I told him I can take a joke, but I didn't think that particular one was funny, and I didn't know that it wasn't ok for me to ever get upset and not have a reaction, but then it's ok when he gets mad.

I walked away to get seats, while H went to the bar. He came and sat down with me, and even brought me a drink.

I think we both silently decided to let it go after that. We continued to talk without arguing again. Even gave each other hi-fives several times during the game.

The trip back home was fine until the tire chains came off and cut the brake line. We also had two blowouts. We left Reno just after 8pm Sunday night and didn't get home until after 4am Monday morning.

What a nightmare! There were a few moments where I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! But we made it back in one piece though. Had all the repairs taken care of that afternoon.

One month to go til the court date. Still not feeling like any real, lasting progress is being made.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell