Hey Brit! I'm home w/ D10 today as she is coming down w/ something. I am certainly not the one to tell you if you are doing things right or not. I have a heard time not inviting my H to dinner when it isn't his night w/ the Ds. My C pointed out that it is really hard for him to say no. I try not to invite him to do things outside of the house. If he plans something w/ the Ds I make the assumption it is without me. I think your W helping you w/ the house is very positive. At the very least it shows that she is willing to be your friend.
I have no clue if I'm doing the right things or not anymore - Sometimes I think I'm doing the wrong thing (e.g. asking her out for dinner), and it turns out to be a good for us. Sometimes I do what I think is the 'right thing', giving her space and independence, and she gets mad because I'm not helping her.
Well, if you were to experiment and monitor the results, what works for you? As long as you can be around her without putting pressure on her to in a R, then I think you're doing the right thing. You have to do what works for you. Each situation is unique and needs to be handled differently.
Do what works and stop what doesn't and you'll soon find yourself in a better place.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Hey Brit! I'm home w/ D10 today as she is coming down w/ something. I am certainly not the one to tell you if you are doing things right or not. I have a heard time not inviting my H to dinner when it isn't his night w/ the Ds. My C pointed out that it is really hard for him to say no. I try not to invite him to do things outside of the house. If he plans something w/ the Ds I make the assumption it is without me. I think your W helping you w/ the house is very positive. At the very least it shows that she is willing to be your friend.
Our D has got into the routine of waking up every night at 2am - She'll be WIDE AWAKE and want to play. Last night she was up from 2-5, which was pretty stressful for both of us.
Not sure about my W and the invitations - She has said no in the past, so I figure if she doesn't want to go, she'll say no. She always seems pretty happy when we go out together, or at least, she has recently.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
When do you plan to start sleeping at your house?
My plan was to start living there tonight - Since tonight is W's night with D, I figured I'd have time to myself and I wouldn't feel like I was 'leaving W'. I'd just leave for work from her house, then go home to mine.
Of course, nothing is ever that simple :-) I might have D stay with me tonight and let W get a good nights sleep. Hopefully she'll hang out at my house for a while and we can get some stuff done once D is asleep, but who knows...
Brit, You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So I think you just stay consistent. It's her that is going up and down, not you or what you're doing. She is so unclear to you about what she wants, because she doesn't know what she wants. You keep doing what you're doing...I think it's working!
I think it's a great idea that you give her a key to your place...I don't think she'll ask for yours back.
Another C appmt? So she went ahead and rebooked for herself? That's great news. She may not talk to you about the sessions, but you'll probably start to see some changes in her behaviour as she works through some things in C. Try not to let her ups and downs affect you to much...stay steady! Congrats on the new place. Hope it feels like home already. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Brit, You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So I think you just stay consistent. It's her that is going up and down, not you or what you're doing. She is so unclear to you about what she wants, because she doesn't know what she wants. You keep doing what you're doing...I think it's working!
You're right - It makes no difference what I do. Her reactions are more based on her mood than anything else, and her mood has little to do with me right now.
I picked up D from school and went to W's house for dinner. W was really quiet and cranky. She hardly spoke at all and was really snappy with me when I tried to help her out. At first she just wanted to stay home tonight and have me come over here and she'd watch D. D has been 'off' for the last week, so I made her a dr appt tomorrow. So, I told W I'd take D otherwise we'd have to play pass the baby in the morning, plus W could get a good nights sleep for once. End result was that I packed all my clothes up in my car and drove over here, and W followed with D. Ended up going to Wal-mart to get all the 'essentials' - I knew some stuff I wanted, but W was throwing stuff in the cart for me. I made a few comments about a cake mixture that looked good and W said she'd make it for me sometime. She also said she'd come over next week to make cupcakes for D's school (they have a valentine's party). W picked out a few things for herself - Curtains, some food things and other bits and pieces.
We ended up back here and W gave D a bath while I put D's crib back together and got some other things sorted out. D went straight to sleep, so W and I got my room setup. I came downstairs after working on the beds and W had some candles I bought all setup and put all of the food away.
W said she'd come over and help me paint and went through the house pointing out lots of things we need to do on it. She told me to make a list and prioritize them. No idea if it's guilt, her trying to be friendly, or just wanting to be nice. Either way, it seems like she's content enough spending time over here. Hopefully she'll get comfortable being over here now and again.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
I think it's a great idea that you give her a key to your place...I don't think she'll ask for yours back.
We'll see - She didn't mention it today, and I don't have any reason to go back there. I used it to lock the door when we left tonight, so she should remember I have it.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Another C appmt? So she went ahead and rebooked for herself? That's great news. She may not talk to you about the sessions, but you'll probably start to see some changes in her behaviour as she works through some things in C. Try not to let her ups and downs affect you to much...stay steady!
Yeah - I think they had her make it when she left the last one. Even today she didn't remember it, so I had to remind her a few times. I'll be watching D while she's gone, since it's her night with her.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
Congrats on the new place. Hope it feels like home already.
Kind of. D's room and the living room feel like home, but the rest doesn't. My room just feels horrible - All I have in there is a bed, a bed side table and a chest of drawers. None of it match. It feels like a student's dorm room
I can't start another post with 'My W confuses me', but that is the general thought whenever I need to post something
I was planning on taking D to the doctor today because she has been under the weather recently. Even last night, I talked to W about it, and I was going to take the day off and spend it with D (I can get time off easier than W).
This morning W and I are talking on IM and she tells me that she'll be over at 10:15 to take D to the doctor with me, and that she'd watch her this afternoon. I'm not going to complain about it, but I'm curious what happened in her head between last night and now. My W never takes time off work - Very usual.
Maybe I can see if W will watch D over here so we can work on stuff together
Guess I need to start cleaning so it looks like I'm doing something....
Hmm, a WAS that confuses the LBS, that is a new one Brit. My WAS always leaves me feeling as if I know exactly what is going on and as if I know what lies ahead. Did I ever tell you I am a sarcastic person? It seems to me your W is saying she clearly is not done w/ you or your R. Sounds like she is trying to step up to the plate a little. Clearly her new C realizes she is very messed up. My app. have always been two weeks apart even when I was at my worst. It hasn't even been a week since your W saw the new C. Hopefully this one will be more helpful than the other.
It seems to me your W is saying she clearly is not done w/ you or your R. Sounds like she is trying to step up to the plate a little. Clearly her new C realizes she is very messed up. My app. have always been two weeks apart even when I was at my worst. It hasn't even been a week since your W saw the new C. Hopefully this one will be more helpful than the other.
She went tonight, but I'm not sure when her next appt is. She didn't give them her phone number, so they call me instead - Guess they still have mine from when I called the other week to get her first appt together.
Today was totally insane. In a good way. I think. I guess W woke up at 8am and "didn't feel like going to work". Yeah - My W hasn't missed a day of work in three years unless she is dying or D is really sick and I can't watch her. I smell BS, but I went along with it.
W got over here a little after 10 and made herself at home - Made breakfast for herself, parked on the couch and watched TV with D for a while. She seems to feel pretty comfortable over here. We took D to the doctor together (D is fine - Just some sinus congestion). W suggested we go to lunch together, but it was pretty early. So she said she wanted to get some new curtains for her house and maybe it would be time for lunch afterwards. Off we went with D, and had a great time at Target. We both got a bunch of stuff for our houses, so it was pretty productive. W kept picking out things for me "That'd look nice in the blah blah". She has pretty good taste, but I didn't want to get everything all at once
We went for lunch with D somewhere other than where we were planning, which ended up being a disaster since the service was horrible and W got pretty frustrated. But, she seemed to come through it okay and we ended up having a decent time. I figured we were going to leave, W would drop me at home and take D, then she'd bring D back over here for her C appt. Nope - W asked if it was okay for me and D to come over to her house, and D could take her afternoon nap, I could take a nap if I wanted and W could work on some things at home. I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours at W's house while she ran some errands and worked on bits and pieces at home. She didn't even blink to having me around again.
We ended up going out to dinner with D, then W dropped us here while she went for her appt. As usual, she spent half an hour here before she left for her appt to arrange all the things we had bought for here, tidy up some stuff in the kitchen and a few other things. She also had picked out some color samples when she was out for my front door, so she was trying to figure out which one would look best.
When she got back from her C appt, she was pretty quiet - D was sleepy, so we just bundled her up and put her in W's car. Hug, kiss, ILY. I talked to W for a while via IM after she got home - Took her a little while, but she started to open up to me about some things that were bothering her and how tired she was of having to deal with stupid people - I didn't read too much into it, but I figured OM was part of that equation.
So, I guess it was a decent day - Went from me having to spend the day with a sicky D, to the three of us spending all day together. W could have picked any day to take off, and she certainly didn't have to do stuff with me and D. I'm not sure what I should read into that - If anything. W was really friendly and happy all day long. She even made some jokes and laughed with me.
On another note - After the bomb, W took off her wedding ring and was wearing a couple of other rings on her fingers. They were all old rings that she had from a while ago. Yesterday and today she wasn't wearing any rings at all. No idea if that really means anything, but it was unusual.
Ring thing is interesting. I would have noticed that also. Maybe she was cleaning them. No telling. But I know I'd feel extremely happy to see mine without that other thing on her finger.
I think it is very positive that u2 are doing things together and communicating, especially those hugs, kisses, and ILY's. Just keep up what you are doing...gl
I haven't seen anything quite like this. Hugs, kisses, ILY? If it weren't for the last, I'd figure she just thought she wanted friendship. Is this friends hug, kiss, and ILY...or married couple?
My only thought, as always, is that she won't leap the final hurdle to you until the fantasy of OM is completely gone. Until then, I guess you do what you are doing. How long you continue to be the guy that she plays family with while she pines away? I think you'll just have to be patient. I would suggest that you settle into your house, enjoy it, and try not spending every waking minute with her. While she's enjoying you as her security blanket, what have you learned about your own independence? It might be nice to take some breaks from her.
Good luck Brit.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
