Please help me!! My wife wants out!

[Alone in Alabama]

Steve,

Look up on google and paper named "Womens Infidelity" and get your hands on it. It is a real eye opener, probably not what you want to hear but it has made me realize the facts and gave me closure. I wanted nothing more than to put my family back together and make it work, but the paper showed me that once it started, it was already to late. I have accepted that and am moving forward. This will help you in two ways, first it will help you to be able to take the focus off of you as the problem and second it will allow you to detach in the proper way. Maybe after you detach and quit feeling sorry for yourself, she may come back around and be more willing to reconcile.

[steve477]

Hey Lanzo, I am not wasting my energy thinking about these things. Just random thoughts. The reason doesnt really matter once you find out the act has happened. I have not started a R talk for 5 days now (have responded to her R talks), and I have no intention of starting one any time soon. She will bring it up enough for me I think. You always make me smile, you are my harbinger of doom! I have been out alot recently, feeling good for it. Going away for the weekend to catch up with University friends. Be away one night. I am as cool as the proverbial cucumber now. I think writing in my notebook helped, I could actually formulate a plan to follow, whereas before I had no direction for my energy.

Hey Alone in Alabama, sounds like a depressing read. Is it a book or an article on the web. I saw a book by that name on amazon.

I have forgiven my W her `indiscretion`.
I do not want to dwell on it too long. (although that is hard sometimes!


All you input is really helpful for me! Thank you all very much!

Cheers

Steve

[steve477]

She started talking R tonight.
I tried to vindicate everything she said. I told her I understand her points about why she is unhappy, I understand her feelings about needing to separate etc...

She said that she gets stressed because she can see I have hope. I told her I can deny that. She doesnt like it if I say things like "if we need to separate...." instead of "when we separate...."
Thing is, I know her, and if we do end up having a separation, then it will be no going back for her. I have a matter of 2 or 3 months max to do this.
Not quite back to square one because I have my head in the right place now, but it is a blow.
She said she thinks we need to separate as soon as possible.

The only way I can see now is to completly stay out of her way. Last resort technique and all that.
She said she has never loved me as much as I have loved her, I told her that in any relationship it wont be even.
She is so pigheaded that she wont listen to reason. She has been hurt in relationships before and she has gone into self preservation mode now. Walls up, laser canons on top!!!
I know what you will all say, but please say it anyway, I need to hear it.
She is alway tired, especially being pregnant (mood swings!!!) and we cant talk when she is tired. I just need to wait for an opening.
To be honest I had set myself a 2 week goal of being R talk free, and it hasnt worked. I have not brought it up, but even when she brings it up.... problems (not 100% of the time). What should I do... try to steer the conversation away? Leave the room?

Crap crap crap crap crap

Goodnight all
hope its going better for you.

Steve

[steve477]

How about my own bit of reverse physcology...

What do you think about me accepting the separation (obviously I wont be happy, but only accepting). If I tell her its the best way forward, and that I have started looking at places.
She has mentioned a coupleof times about wanting to not wear her engagment ring. I could alos take it off her finger as a symbolic gesture that I am finally letting her go (even though I dont want to).
I think this will take alot of the pressure from between us, as she doesnt need to feel she has to fight to leave me. I could give her the whole `i love you too much to see you sad so I am letting you go ` speech.

I see this going one of 2 ways: she will get cold feet as she was all talk (not likely I know)
or
We will move out, as were were more than likely going to anyway, but at least now its on my terms.

Is this a good or bad idea? Is it something to do any time or is it a last resort? Anyone out there who has done this?

Cheers
Steve

[Alone in Alabama]

Steve the paper basically says that what is going on is that she is going through hormonal changes that are making her crave OM. Much like we dealt with when we were in our early twenties. She doesn't know why she feels that way so she is blaming you. Mine used the excuse that I played darts to much! WTF! You know that is not a reason to kill a marriage, but they don't understand their feelings and have been taught that they should be faithful so their body is working againist their mind.

My wife and I had a pretty 'open' sex life and she would make mention of having fantasies of other men. She didn't act on them till she had her affair. She told me that her intention in having the affair was a one time thing, but she got wrapped up in the emotions of it. She did not understand that it was a chemical thing and I believe that she thinks that is what love is. That is why I got the 'ILYBIANILWY'. She can't tell the difference.

[steve477]

Thanks Alabama

We have got to get our Ws to see us as the people they want to have sex with. I dont know what you think, but our sex life had got into a bit of a rut. I could give her an orgasms most but not all the time, but it followed the same forumula each time. She rated it at about 5, and I have to say the same really. We both wanted the 10 of course, but neither of us did anything about it. If I get my chance over then it will damn well be 11!!

Steve

[steve477]

Ok well I did it! I told my wife I would let her go, and I told off her engagement ring. I told her that I dont want her or me to be unhappy, so I hoped this would relieve some of the stress that had built up between us.
There were tears on both sides during this. We both apologied for our roles in the crumbling of the M. She said that she wished I could have realised there was a problem sooner, so we could have worked it out. I asked if it was really too late now, and she said she didnt know.
She said that she might spend some time thinking about her role in the M breakdown, I asked if we can talk about it togehter, and she said yes, that is something we can do as friends (she would not talk about this before). She knows I still have hope for the M, but now she also knows that I wont try and force her to stay.
She also has 2 other big stresses at the moment, she has a big test she is studying for, and her job is unsure at the moment. So she said she didnt have room in her emotional cup to think about me.
Overall, I still have hope.

Speak to you soon

Steve

[steve477]

quite happy about myself doing my own little 180. Anyone have any input? Did I do the right thing? Do I need to not seem to be actively looking for somewhere else to live or just take it easy for a week or so before launching into searationville?
Last night my wife was apologising for her part in the M breakdown, and saying things like she cant forgive herself for cheating, that she is the weakest of the weak. (Still texts and emails the OM mind you). She said that I am a wonderful person and she hopes that I can find someone to make me happy (already have that thanks). She hopes that we can move on from this and be happy (seapately she means)
But for now, I have taken some of the pressure out of the M and some of the pressure off me to fix it, hopefully she might step up to the plate and think things though.

Any advice would be great!

Steve

[Lanzo]

Steve,

Ok well I did it! I told my wife I would let her go, and I told off her engagement ring. I told her that I dont want her or me to be unhappy, so I hoped this would relieve some of the stress that had built up between us.

Steve,

That's a very brave move on your part and I can only commend you as it sounds as though you handled it well.

All you can do is be that friend for W that I've been telling you to be. I think now the pressure is off you'll start to have more fruitful discussions with W.

I think you're going in the right direction now.


Lan

[steve477]

Thanks Lan

Must be doing something right if you agree with me! Ha!
I tell you it was so scary to do it. I decided to do it during the day yesterday. Wasnt actually planning to use it so soon, but the opportunity just arrived. I am really scared now for the future. I know that had I continued as things were it would have been bad, (but there is comfort in the familiar, even if it is bad). The unknown is just so........unknown.
I feel less pressure now though. W seemed more responsive, so just got to continue GAL, and being the best Steve I can. W still seems to only want to separate, but her admitting that she might talk with me about M problem (even though for closure) is a nice baby step to see.
I know she has some worries in work, and today I just got a bout of a bad feeling, so I text her to ask her to call me. I wanted to see if anything bad had happened about her job. She called me back within 10 mins and said everything was fine, and thanked me for calling. Maybe I shouldnt have called, but there was something there, in my 6th sense.
She is afraid to get close to me at the moment for one reason or another. She has not comment often on me, my mental changes, or physical changes. I am in better shape now than I ever have been since she met me, losing weight was one thing that she always wanted me to do. Little bit sad she hasnt comment on it.
Again just got to continue GAL.
I am going to start dance class. It is something we had wanted to do togehter for a while. So I hope that by me going, she will be a bit suprised and hopefully a little jelous.

Thanks again,

Any ladies with perspective out there?

Steve