As far as I know, H's trip to OW's town was uneventful. He called lots, told me what he was doing, got his work done and came home. Brought gifts for me and the kiddos. All nice, but also all things he was doing during the A. The main difference is that when he is home, he does try to connect, and that is a pretty big difference, the one I hang on to with everything I have.
I think I've been doing a good job of letting things rest where they are for now, but I still fight concern over the apparent lack of consequences in H's life post-A (i.e. lack of a broken heart and contrite spirit--I realize this is *my* perception, I don't know where he is on this, but his actions indicate ambivalence), and every once in awhile something happens that shows both H and I how very little I trust him, regardless of how much I want and try to.
We ended up in a discussion the other night in which I tried to explain why certain behaviors make me anxious...I thought I was standing up for my boundaries, but he accused me of dragging the A into every little thing he screws up. I think we both have valid points of view...he apologized for his mis-step of that day, but accused me of not loving and accepting him for who he is--as he is. Which I don't agree with, I feel that I am very loving and accepting of him, but I do know he still has a long road to walk in dealing with his issues. I don't want to change him. But I do want *him* to change. Sigh.
I'm just praying to know what my role is in all this. I want to be supportive of him, but I have no desire to be an enabler.
you know what blew my mind yesterday? that my h said that the thing with the ow was a secondary thing, that the thing he was more confused/troubled about was our R. You could've knock me down w/a feather. The A was big, the ow damaging, but all in all the A was a symptom of something bigger in the A. Perhaps that's how your H's views it (perhaps not) that he is addressing the "big issues" and that the A doesn't hold a place in him anymore. Men tend to minimize/not understand the hurt the A/op causes in us women.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That comment is pretty mind-blowing. I would say that I believe that there are/were issues in the R for certain, but that sounds like some raging rationalizing to me, and I have heard things similar to that from my H in the past. It has to be a coping mechanism for them.
That said, I'm sure H is tired of hearing how deeply I've been hurt...not that I constantly wear it on my sleeve, but every once in awhile it all just boils over.
I think that's where my concerns come in: I haven't seen the true remorse from him, maybe never will...but unless/until he faces just how seriously he hurt me and sinned before Heavenly Father, will there be real change?
I think that's where my concerns come in: I haven't seen the true remorse from him, maybe never will...but unless/until he faces just how seriously he hurt me and sinned before Heavenly Father, will there be real change?
My religious views would have me phrase your question in a different manner, but the core issue would still be the same. I think the answer is no, there cannot be real change until the WAS faces what they did at an emotional level, and empathize how it affected the LBS.
However, it should not be an expectation of ours, nor should we try to influence an apology, or wait for one. I'd like to think that if our spouses continue on the path towards health, then at some point the stars will align, and they will be able to honestly look at what they did, and connect to the pain that they created for others.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
it should not be an expectation of ours, nor should we try to influence an apology, or wait for one.
Thank you CL. In my thinking over the last little while, I'm seeing this more. That in my judgement of him I am generating expectations. And they're most harmful to *me*. He has to walk his path, and though his choices do impact my future significantly, my efforts to influence him into compliance with my will won't have the desired end result. He has to make those changes on his own independent of me.
This issue seems to keep popping up for me, but I'm starting to recognize it for what it is, and I think I'm seeing where I need to go with it. Just keep working on me. Know what? I'm a masterpiece in process!
Aud, thank you for visiting my thread, and I want you to know that reading your response to my response to what you said about 'equivalence of hurt' really made MY day! I had been doing some reading about EMA last evening and found myself right back in the Dark Ages, very low mood and being pessimistic about reconciliation -- this in contrast to my sunny, upbeat mood earlier in the day. I did wonder, at one point, if my mood had been influenced by my reading, and I did get a bit of a lift from re-reading my own DB thread and seeing how far we had come in reconciliation. But only 'a bit of a lift', not much, and this morning was very low energy and not looking forward to seeing H later today for our regular Wednesday date. Then I booted up the computer, a nice email from H there -- but also your comment on my thread, and that was what gave me some energy.
Originally Posted By: Aud31
I haven't seen the true remorse from him, maybe never will...
Aud, you might be interested to know that I have felt the exact same way as you on this, have done for many months. This is what leads me to think that there will be no full reconciliation with H and that the relationship we now enjoy will be it for us, that this is all we will be able to achieve and no more. AND YET, Aud (I hope you're still reading!) H has actually apologized to me on 3 occasions for the hurt he caused me. But I discounted those apologies. They didn't seem long enough or remorseful enough. I thought of them as 'perfunctory'. (I'm sure there is a lesson in this but I'm not sure what it is)
Hi Apple--I hope that your day is going better and you are able to re-capture your sunny outlook.
Quote:
I did wonder, at one point, if my mood had been influenced by my reading
This happens to me too sometimes. I've made it through this sitch by accepting that what is *is*, and though things may be less than ideal, I'm still kicking and even enjoying life--so long as I just keep my eyes straight ahead on the goal and not get wrapped up in all the scary stuff on each side of me.
Reality is that what has happened in our Rs is devastating with grave consequences...but it's also true that we can come out the other side with stronger and more fulfilling Rs if we just let go, have faith, and learn the lessons we need to learn on the way. We can't let the fear pull our attention away from our goal. We just can't.
Funny, isn't it, how we yearn for those apologies, and when we get them, we nearly skip over them or take them lightly, because it's so hard for us to believe they're real. I think that's a large part of what we need to learn--to be able to step out of ourselves and learn to see things from other perspectives.
...and though things may be less than ideal, I'm still kicking and even enjoying life--so long as I just keep my eyes straight ahead on the goal and not get wrapped up in all the scary stuff on each side of me.
I think we have a lot in common, Aud. That is pretty much my philosophy also, but it is very heartening to hear it reiterated by someone else also going through this.
