Your go out w/a bang comment hit the nail on the head. I guess I am worried that even if the A is truly "over", he may get a wild idea (or like 25 text message offers from ex-OW ) to have one last time before he moves. She is really needy and has been trying to get his attention ever since he broke it off. I read their texts when I found his secret phone in December, and even when they were "together"--although he lived w/me and slept in our bed the whole time--there were tons of messages from her at night trying to make him feel guilty, such as
"I will just have to lie here with my phone and wish it was you next to me"
"If you want to find me, I am out here on the curb where you and everyone else have kicked me...."
"You haven't answered my texts tonight, you must be with HER" (meaning ME!! )
and the best of all
"CALL ME." (2 min later) "CALL ME." (2 min later) "CALL ME"
So if he still feels any residual guilt over ending it, and she is there after bowling with her big puppy dog eyes full of tears, I am just afraid he will get sucked in "One More Time". But I know and you guys do too that "One More Time" could lead to more complications/entanglements. Lying to me to cover it up, calls to her to keep her quiet if it truly was the last time, etc.
OKAY, STOP BOBBI JO!
Sorry, had to get ahold of myself. Everything has been going better than I can imagine so of course I am sabotoging things all by myself.
Anyway the point was, you basically said what I was thinking but afraid to say out loud. I will just be glad when bowling is over and he has a new job where he won't see her everyday. But tonight I really am not too worried. He left his shaving kit and all that stuff for getting ready for work at the house. So I know he fully intends to come home tonight. And I fully intend to be happy to see him! Unless of course I fall asleep first. But last time that happened, it had a happy ending
So all my craziness was of course unfounded. H got home at 11:15 instead of 10:15 b/c of our sleet/snow situation. He was crabby b/c it took him over an hour to get home and he was tired from a long day (although I dont remember bowling being a required activity ;)) so he pretty much went right to bed. He did come in the living room for a minute where I was finishing up my teacher's application for our home town school back in Iowa. With the move up there I need to change the focus of my job search to Iowa. Anyway we had a brief, pleasant conversation before he went to bed which made me feel better since he came in crabby.
Well, like a doorknob I refused to give up and did what I had said I would do the night before, went to bed with no pjs on, justunderwear. I slid up behind him (in Tshirt and jammy pants) to spoon him and he said "Good night", indicating, IMO, he was just tired and wanted to sleep. Several times in the night I would wake and feel his legs pressed into my knees. It was like we were spooning from the thighs down, but not back-to-chest with the tops of our bodies. So I don't think he could tell I had no shirt on. I decided to be encouraged that at least our legs were cuddling That is progress in itself.
Got up this a.m. to see if we had a snow day (we did) and H noticed I had to put a shirt on. I said yeah, came to bed naked and you missed it. He said "sorry". He told me goodbye, I said ILY and he said You too. But I have noticed he always says You Too (again, a good change from before) but he doesn't initiate the ILY so maybe I should quit saying it for awhile and see if he does????
It just bothers me b/c initiating hugs/kisses/ILYs is on my very short (like 4 things) list of changes I want from H if he truly wants to "Make Things Work". Since he is the one who had the A, I feel like he should bear some of the burden of making me feel wanted/needed again. I know he initiated messing around the other night, but to me that, fun from the waist down, is not as personal as a kiss on the lips, a look into my eyes, or hearing the words ILY. Those are the things I need to feel loved and special. And I have told him this before.
So at our MC tomorrow, if he tells her he wants us to work on things (she always asks his position on our M when we come in, since it has changed almost every time), I think I will bring up my desire for the hugs/kisses/ILYs and get her feedback. And his too; sometimes he is more open with information in front of MC. He seems more compelled to respond when she is waiting for an answer, with me, I get stall tactics a lot.
Anyway, all in all, we are leaps and bounds from where we were one month ago. So, progress is progress......
From a guys point of view, I wouldn't push him. You are doing to the right things to get his attention, but be subtle. Let him come to you. He will if he doesn't feel like he is being pressured or tested.
Thanks for the guy's perspective. I have decided to just keep doing what I was doing up until the past couple days--being upbeat, keeping myself happy and busy, and trying to have zero expectations, or at least let my H feel I have no expectations.
The night he finally initiated anything physical with me was a night when I didn't wait up for him to come home, call him to check up on him before he came home, etc. I was sound asleep minding my own business. You are right, he doesn't respond well to demands or pressure. And if he did, I would just worry that he only did what I wanted b/c I told him to. It has to come from him and be HIS idea.
So I will try to relax and go with the flow. No demands or pressure. But at the MC I am still going to be myself. Which means if she asks me what I am wanting/needing in an R, I will say that I need hugs/kisses/ILYs. I am pretty sure physical touch is my primary LL followed shortly by words of affirmation. Anyway I will share that need with the MC, and then I will let it go. He already knows it is what I need so no reason to repeat myself. I will just keep working on making myself happy, playing with my kids, teaching school, and looking for a new job. That's more than enough to keep me busy.......
Thanks again. A guy's perspective is always welcome around here
Just try to frame your needs in a nonpressuring way. Think exactly about how you are going to say it before you do. Think about how he'll take it. Is it possible he'll be defensive or pressured? Try to figure out how not to say it in anyway other than positive. Maybe like "I love it when he...." Not "I need more of...."
Thanks Woog! I would have screwed that up if I hadn't read your post! H used to always tell me he loved me, hold me, etc. This man sent me 12 Christmas cards in a row for the 12 days of Christmas when we were dating. Two different years. For our third dating anniversary he lined the stairway to my dorm room with balloons and brought me roses and champagne.
To propose, he took me to dinner at a restaurant w/a private room for just us. He knew I loved to hear his fraternity brothers sing (his was a rare fraternity, where the guys all had 3.5 GPAs or better and half were All-State singers in High School), so as we were eating, a dozen of them filed in one at a time until the room was filled. Then they sang for me. Then he proposed. And we were at a restaurant 90 miles from campus so the guys all had to drive there just to sing for me. THAT guy is my husband!!
I will find a way to say how much I love it when he does those things. Well, after 16 yrs together not necessarily those over the top things, but loving gestures in general. H is able to draw the conclusion that if he isn't doing it much now, I would enjoy him doing it more.
I won't bring up those past gestures to H or the MC. Just wanted you to get a perspective on what he is capable of. This is not your silent, brooding husband by nature.
So I will frame it in a positive, "I so enjoy when H ....." (hugs me, kisses me, calls to say he loves me...)
instead of "I want/need H to....." or "H hasn't been ....."
Does that sound good????I don't go to the MC until tomorrow so I have time to prepare
Thanks, Woog! I just talked to H and he seemed to be in a good mood. Well, not like he was smiling ear to ear, but he didn't sound tense or angry. Which for H lately is as good a mood as can be expected, considering the job-related stress and move-related stress he is under.
I am going out w/a girlfriend tonight and he was checking to see when he needed to get home so he could have the kiddos while I go. More of my GAL and PMA, I will surely be happy tonight after dinner with my childhood best friend (I've known her 24 years).
Hi Bobbijo, Just checking on you. I hope you'll have a good time tonight.
One small thing : try to concentrate on your trust towards him. Focus on the good things he does and relax a bit. It is essential beacuse you have a lot of good things going on at the moment for you...
) to have one last time before he moves. She is really needy and has been trying to get his attention ever since he broke it off. I read their texts when I found his secret phone in December, and even when they were "together"--although he lived w/me and slept in our bed the whole time--there were tons of messages from her at night trying to make him feel guilty, such as
