Hi peace- I am sorry you are down today but kiki is right, it is sooo normal...for all of us going through this anyway.
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It has pushed me to grow and understand more- be compassionate and alive than I can ever remember being
I think about this too. Pre-bomb I had moments feeling the monotony...feeling like "is that all there is?" I have to say that going through this, I have a new found appreciation for all of the blessing that I do have in my life...there certainly is very little monotony now. We now live wondering what the future has to hold...but we have need to know that no matter what, we will have the strength to be okay.
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my s6 was hanging on his dad too in pool and playing just like he used to with my H I rarely see H playing with kids like pre mlc
I believe that your H will reconnect with your kids regardless of what happens in your M. It may take time but have faith it will happen. You know your H loves your kids...eventually he will see that they need him and he will step up.
You know in your heart and soul that you are doing the right thing by standing. Patience and compassion...can we ever have enough? I know how you feel about wanting and needing a partner...but don't be scared...you are going to be okay. Try not to think about what is missing...you know to focus on all the good you do have.
Patience...patience...patience...after all, good things come to those who wait...no idea what those good things will be, but we deserve something REALLY good things, right? Actually, as we have already talked about, I think we are already getting some payoff...it is all a matter of perspective.
Peace - What is in the air today? Or is it the moon? Thanks for visiting my thread - I am sad today too.
Your thread has so much good stuff on it.
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I have been so unemotional since christmas, not showing him the reality of my sitch or my feelings, it is like letting him off the hook in a way and may make him think I am ok with it now, I accept his decision. I dont know the answer to that. This site is aboud dbing, but I worry that its basically not being honest, so maybe nothing would ever change (for good or bad). Sounds like, at one year on, you feel it IS the right thing to do. I take heart from that!
What an interesting statement. Are we being honest? I'm not.
Upside, as usual, writes great things from the heart. What I wouldn't give for a little monotony now? But I appreciate her words of encouragnement today.
Read what you wrote on my thread, Peace. High road, baby, high road!
W8ing & Peace, In regards to your comments about not feeling like we are being honest: I have often wondered about that same concept. But something in me tells me that its not that we are being dishonest with our spouses. Rather we are withholding our true feelings for a while to hopefully give our spouses the time and space neccessary for them to focus on the issues that lie within themselves. We all know that the crying, begging, pleading and pursuing does not do any good and actually pushes the WAS farther away. So we have learned to simply control those feelings within our broken hearts and deal with them on our own time and not in front of our spouses. The more I read, the more I understand, and the more I realize that the term we use here (Mid Life Crisis), is actually another way to say they are severly in a depressed state of mind. The MLCers journey is all about them, so our feelings don't count to them much at all through out their journey. Also, I do think that they know how we are feeling deep down and how much pain this is causing us. We often get spooked though that they will read into our distance and detatchment as though this is what we want also. In the long run, If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be, and they will find there way back to us if that is really what is best for both involved. I have never found better advice than what I recieve here, even when it feels like it is hard to follow, I do believe that many miracles have come out of this board and the work done by us DBers. Have faith! TIPPER
UD ,W8 I appreciate all your suggestions and support! Monotomy--yes I never thought off it like that UD but it true, life is not monotomous anymore why is that? we are unsure of the future ?
Tipper awesome post! I loved what you said It is so true we are withholding our true feelings to allow H to breathe and look within maybe they dont have the capacity to deal with anything they are in survival mode we too are in a form of crisies..we are just handling it different Their crises was caused by a developmental stage in life ours was caused by therm pulling out of the M so maybe, b/c our crisies was not developmental we have more control we didnt have to shutdown we could seek help though books, tapes, thereay, and others who have been down this path they couldnt maybe the pain was too great, and the pressure to run to strong they all have so many of the same symptoms like a disease must be something to it
Yesterday S6 called H he asked are you coming sover since H missed his sunady visit(superbowl) so H tried to get me to tell s6 no..he couldnt tell him he wasnt coming I told h ,,this is his responsibilty to tell s6 when he cant make it..he obviously doesnt like to disappoint him as if he hasnt disppointed him already H got mad at me..but he told S and D12 both he couldnt come I feel like I cant and wont make it easier for him peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Im feeling sad again this week is hard It still so bothers me when I think H just walks away no regrets? no Pain? No cares? I am here everything is the same I take care of parenting for 2 I keep house I grow up
he runs, plays-maybe gets validation from outside world its ok to Leave your family..you are still paying bills and visiting His IC told us to get D last year she said loves dies sometimes and its over she D twice with kids from 2 different M I am still angry with her as well My t said I can write her a letter after this is done with H For today I need to let go find my PMA and keep mouth shut feel it coming I need to talk to H I want to tell him how I feel I want to see if there is any hope for us I know its wrong timing and I cant take it anymore peace help
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I too am really struggling this week. maybe it is the winter wearing on us.
it is all so hard... wouldn't it be easier if they just dropped off the earth?
Although I do not want to D, I sometimes am really ready for it to be over. Then the moment passes and again I am standing.
I wonder how I can expect H to make big decisions when I am so undecided myself.
I see tiny tiny baby steps from him. Tiny positives...then nothing or back to negative.
But still no hopes from him
They all say that they do come back...but do they?
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
feel it coming I need to talk to H I want to tell him how I feel I want to see if there is any hope for us I know its wrong timing and I cant take it anymore
I know how you feel but is pressing your H really going to change anything? I keep reading that MLC takes as long as it takes and there is NOTHING we can do to speed it up...we can only help prolong it. I have tried to push and it has gotten me no where...the last real talk my H and I had, I asked if there was anything he could give me and he told me no. Then he told me to just keep moving on with my life even date if I want to. I got some answers that I didn't really want but, did it change anything for me?...I am still here and hanging by a thread. I keep thinking of what you told me and I am hoping that my H will show some signs of progress in the next 6 months or so...hopefully I can hold on that long.
Now that seems contradictary from what I was suggested to w8ing...but her situation seems different since she questions whether or not her H is a WAS. I know with out a doubt that my H is in crisis...You seem certain that your H is in crisis as well.
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His IC told us to get D last year she said loves dies sometimes and its over she D twice with kids from 2 different M
Did you know anything about this C before you went to her? Obviously not pro-marriage...grrrr! I think these kinds of C should have there licenses revoked!
I am in the exact same place you are...last night I was feeling down, wondering why I just don't end it. These feelings seem to pass quicker than they used to. I am feeling better today...a little more energized...a little more in control. So, know that your feelings of sadness feelings are temporary.
Things will get better...just try to tweak your perspective and your focus...and let your frustrations go. You will be fine.
It still so bothers me when I think H just walks away no regrets? no Pain? No cares?
I truely think they do have all these things: regrets, pain and care. But they can't bring themselves to do anything about it and that is why they are depressed. They are stuck. We can't unstick them, only they can do that.
Take your focus off of him and put it on yourself. What can you do for yourself to feel a little happier today? This is so hard, but so important.
BTW, did you figure out what is wrong with your car? I have a hybrid too that will be 2 years old soon. Nothing has gone wrong yet, but I do get scared about it... wondering if there is anything I should watch out for.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's a tough place, where you're at. To me, the one year mark is a big milestone for DBers. If you can make it to that point, which you have, the next 6 months aren't so bad. It's as if you've committed yourself to surviving your H's MLC, which has yet to show any signs of ending, and the energy you put in to having patience for him is wearing you down. Just remember that even if you have committed yourself to your M and through this crisis, you are always entitled to change your mind. Get back to that place where you feel like you are in control.
As for having the talk with H - do you know what you want? I highly suggest that if you are still unsure about it, don't have the talk. You will get nothing out of it, if your H is anything like mine. I've pretty much decided that if I initiate any R talk with H from here on out, it will be with D papers in my hand.
YOU WILL NOT GET THE ANSWERS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR FROM YOUR H.
He's just not ready.
If you have things to say, write them down. Write letters to H that he will never read. Write emails and save them as drafts that will never be sent. Do it for yourself. Decide if you no longer want to stand first. You're decision to stand or not to stand should be totally independent of whatever it is your H is doing.
I really believe that we come back stronger after each low we hit. You'll see after this passes.
Thanks you guys NG My hybrid is ok..they changed the battery and its so far fine ill keep you posted UD,SH thanks .. I know you guys are right My H will give me nothing and probably tell me to date as well he seems happy every time we talk like today when D got him on speaker he seems fine not like before- his voice isnt depressed/low anymore That bothers me..i used to think once I saw the depression that would confirm MLC and either he would returen or not now that seems liked its passed with no thought of return I know he isnt done maybe hes stuck Maybe some other R is going well I dont know why he seems happy
I know I have to put focus on mr Ive got alot to do to..some things are very good in my life in fact he is the only downer in my life so why cant I let go maybe its the 1 year mark like SH said maybe I expected a miracle maybe I thought all this change and db would bring him back maybe I thought I would give up and move on and I cant I certainly didnt expect nothing like it is nothing thansk for bring there peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
