Well, last thread locked! I feel like a pro now Oh my goodness, everyone, kalni, One Day, essie, bhopeful, ali-- thank you so much for supporting me this past week especially... you make me feel so good about myself!! I think I need to print out everyone's posts from the last couple of days so I can re-read them over and over
-wore my crazy pink boots to the grocery store and four people came up to talk to me about them (three of them were kids) -at the special grocery store I got a bunch of exciting new ingredients for new recipies -had a really good talk on the phone with a good friend I hadn't talked to since right around bomb time. She told me I sounded really good and strong! -played a Chinese New Year concert at symphony hall that turned out to be really exhausting, but an experience nevertheless, there were about 200 little chinese girls running around with bunheads and chinese new year costumes -made a frittata for the first time last night (ruby chard with lemon goat cheese, rosemary and roasted garlic, baby)! In a frittata pan I bought just for that purpose. I have been wanting to do this for about five years, and I did it last night! Diversifying the breakfast experience.... -Had a good hang with a girlfriend & was able to help her with some crazy guy stuff -Had a good talk with a guy friend about Love Languages and I think maybe I gave him the tools to heal a situation of his own (exciting)!! Sharing the DB love....
I am so sorry to have asked you that question! Please forgive me!!
Do not worry!!! This was something I was bound to think about sooner or later. I think it was actually helpful to revisit all of that.
And I've found each time I do a dip in the roller-coaster I'm stronger and the dip doesn't last as long.
This is so helpful for me to know. I think as much as I have really tried to submit to this experience I am still afraid of facing the Dark Side. One of my friends described it as an "upward spiral".
Your words really helped me this weekend... everything you wrote. Thank you so much, Essie!!
Ok, I'll send the medal back to you right away!! Also, your English always makes sense to me!! I am so glad you just left out the word "only", you had me worried there for a minute!!
Your post helped me so much, thank you so much for taking the time to read TWICE and digest and respond so thoughtfully! But very often, the same characteristics that once attracted them in the first place, for some stupid reason become the ones that they can't handle anymore. It's like they get tired of the role THEY decided to play and feel they are being pushed, dominated,etc. etc. Kalni, this makes so much sense !! You are such a smart lady!!
You have also infiltrated MY life! I can't believe you ask yourself "how would T respond to this?" because I myself have asked myself, "What would One Day do?" Especially when it comes to handling difficult situations with wit and poise... sometimes I wish I could get a Mission Impossible spy phone implanted inside my ear or something so you could tell me exactly what to say when i start db'ing in person!!!
Thank you for encouraging me to share the stuff that is tough. That means a lot. aNd thank you for reminding me about vigorous exercise.. a lot of the times 10 minutes running on the treadmill is all it takes for me to feel like a completely different person, but that's easy for me to forget...!!
There is one big topic that I haven't excavated yet. I don't really talk about it with people or on the board because it makes me feel so sad and discouraged and also it involves bringing up a lot of negativity about my B. But I feel like for me to "get it" I need to look at this stuff sooner or later. I am going to try to keep this short, but it is a pretty big can of worms, so I'm not sure exactly where to begin or end.
Basically, I feel like B subconsciously chose his career over being able to be with me. That is so painful. And even if he returns to move forward and start a new R with open heart and open arms, I do not know how we will be able to make it work unless he recalibrates his thinking. Because his thinking around the bomb involved no flexibility at all with his plans.
While he was the one struggling with the distance, I was the one who offered to take a leave of absence from school/career to deal with the crisis. It seems like it never crossed his mind to say, "Wow, I am freaking out because we do not have Time Together and Physical Touch. Maybe *I* should take a leave of absence from my jobs and move to Atlanta so I can work on my R and have my emotional needs be met." And when he determined that his career and his R seemed to be "mutually exclusive," it seems like it never crossed his mind to say, "Wow, my R and my career do not seem to be compatible. how can I adjust my career so I can save my R?" He just decided to leave his R. Why couldn't he say to his group, "I'm sorry, this plan won't work for my partner, so it won't work for me? How can we create a new plan?"
B's career plan mystifies me right now. Sorry to give a backstory, but basically: right before I moved to ATL, B had the chance to join a string quartet in new york and that's why he moved there. I supported him because it was a great opportunity. But once I realized that he was making long-term plans with the group, I felt threatened. Before he joined the group, he told me he didn't think he was compatible with the group because the group was trying to do a residency in the midwest and that wasn't something that he wanted. Later they started working towards a residency in Iowa which didn't work out. I didn't get super concerned because our "modus operandi" has been not to freak out about opportunities that might take us apart until they actually materialize. But it continued to bother me that we weren't working on our plans for the future together. Then, a little over year later when he dropped the bomb, he told me "It doesn't make sense for you (transformer) to be in North Dakota", apparently referring to a possible move there. But WHY are they trying to go to north dakota, of all godforsaken places? (Sorry to offend any DB'ers who are north dakotans... it is not a geographically desireable place for most classical musicians). Basically, they would be creating an opportunity out of nothing. This is what I do not understand. If they can create an opportunity out of nothing, why not create an opportunity somewhere where I could also grow and be happy?
The "Normal Path" for becoming a "Successful String Quartet" basically involves: going to a place devoid of cultural life and filling that void, while getting good as a group; gradually working up to a slightly better place; then a slightly better place; so over the course of many decades you eventually get to a decent place.
This plan doesn't make sense to me... How could they relocate, with their partners/spouses, to a place that has so little employment opportunity for anyone, much less the other creative musician types that they would be interested in as partners? Not to mention the fact that for the first several years no one in the quartet will be making enough money to support a partner.
When I decided to come to grad school, that was a 2-3 year commitment to a degree. But when he joined his string quartet, he made a potentially lifelong commitment to work with these three other people. I feel like he is married to them, and that there is no room for me to have any input into his decisions. How can people truly be in an adult relationship together if one person is making all the big decisions?
The other people in his group are all a little bit younger. Unlike B, 2 of 3 have never been out of school, just went straight from college to grad and then doctoral programs and are still recieving parental support. None of them are in serious relationships.
There was a point, around the bomb, where I was willing to chuck my own plans to be with B. But now I think, why should I have to sacrifice my dreams so he can follow his? Why can't we just work together to come up with a plan where we could *both* follow our dreams?
It sucks to talk about it, but I know that this can't be the only time when someone has chosen their career over connecting to their partner. Because people take crap on the job that they would never stand for in an R.
The other thing that seems strange is it seems like the same issues in the R that became "dealbreakers"-- B feeling like he didn't know who he was and was just "going along with the plan"-- seem to be getting played out in his career as well.
-Did "the firefly" today in yoga class (super hard pose I never dreamed I'd be able to do)!
-Went to strong back pilates, & a hot pilates guy enthusiastically talked to me about my bike helmet (I had biked to the gym)
-Made TWO types of muffins, ginger pear and cherry ricotta, for my cello friend whose birthday was today. We had a celebration at the end of our cello ensemble rehearsal. I was surprised, but everyone really liked the ginger muffins. I thought they would be *too spicy* for the average american!! But I guess a little Spice is Nice!!
-I think I may be helping a good friend of mine heal one of his relationships. I realized that he is a Touch guy and his ex-gf (also the birthday girl I made the muffins for) is a Gifts woman. But he is completely not a gift giver at all. I mentioned this to him and he got really excited and just a couple hours later had already tucked an orange inside her cello music bag. (She likes to discreetly hide gifts of food where people will find them.) I don't know if they'll ever start a new R but I think they will be able to start a new friendship, and I think it might be happening right now! I also lent him the love languages book and he told me it was his "guilty pleasure" to be reading love books. So adorable!! I wish I had had this info when I was 21, like him! It is exciting to be able to use what I am learning to help others!!
I had a super intense counseling session on Monday. We talked about what happened last week, when my C started pushing me and I cried for a long time. My C told me that what he did last week was push me to talk about something I hadn't already structured and organized. This week, basically my counselor told me that I am very smart, very strong, but also very dominant and controlling. He also told me that I have only been willing to discuss in counseling what I have already organized. Ay yi yi... I told him, wow, it is really sad that I am pulling the same S%$# in counseling that I did with my B. Two of my big issues with my B (that I figured out in retrospect) were control and important topics being off-limits. And he explained that in order to help me lay the foundations for a new connection with B, he needs to get through to work on me. But I have been putting up an impenetrable wall of analysis.
Man... it was really hard to hear that I am dominant and controlling. I hate being dominated and controlled and I try really, really hard to be sensitive to that in my interactions with others. Maybe I will be able to figure out *why* I do this and then be able to behave differently.
It connects to a lot of other things I have been thinking about: -letting go of the story and just holding on to the feeling (that's a buddhist meditation technique) -not trying to do everything with just my brain -embracing the parts that are hurting ("hello, my little sadness")
I also realized in the session that all the times in the past when I thought my C was discouraging me from working towards reconciliation, he was actually just trying to steer me to talk about the stuff I haven't processed yet.
even though I have really been trying to fully submit to this whole experience & let it transform me and clean me out, I guess I'm still really resistant to facing my own dark side. I guess I have a lot more housecleaning to do!!
my C also told me I am an amazing client, that every week he is amazed by all the work I am doing. I told him I am not sure I will ever be ready for reconciliation because I have so much more to do and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "yes, you will." That was good.
It's funny because I always thought that being able to organize my emotions was a strength. And it is actually hard for me sometimes to deal with people whose emotions aren't organized. I actually basically trained my B to only come to me after he had organized everything. Because when he would process with me he would say all kinds of crazy hurtful bizarre things that didn't make sense. So I asked him to put it together with his friends and then bring it to me so I wouldn't have to get hurt by the stuff that was really raw. I realized shortly after the bomb that I created my own communication breakdown by discouraging him from coming to me with his raw emotions. And now I realize this also meant he never got to face his dark side with me at his side. Yikes.
But I think I'm going to get a lot of stuff done with my counselor now. Ay yi yiiii!!! It's just funny that it took us almost three months to get to this point...
Oh! plus I have been Totally Dark for over three months now (as of last saturday). If I have to go the full six months of darkness, that means I am already halfway there!! When I emerge from the chrysalis, I think I will be a transformed woman... who has faced her demons and her darkness... and healed herself. That is what I'm working towards!
Hi T...its interesting all this talk about emotions and "dark side"...I;m sensing theres more you havent talked about to your C, to this board ,and even to your B in the past? Maybe you had your own impentetrable wall up to him? This is all definetly a huge learning experience for you, how to open yourself up to others becuase I think, unless we do, we cannot fully love or be loved. Been touching on this in my C...how people wear masks.. but they only do it to protect themselves from hurt.
Just not sure what to say here other than, I am still working on your chart and your post above settles something I was wondering about !!! Will email you soon about it, ((((T)))) Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
T: I haven't been able to catch up on your thread yet, but just wanted to say hi....and thanks for posting to my thread. You have no idea how much your words/advice me to me!
God Bless!
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
