Last night did not go in my favor. We did talk for over 4 hours, so I'll be lucky if I can remember it all. Here goes though...
She got here around 6 and after saying "Hi" to the dogs pretty much got straight down to business. She began telling me how she is a free spirit and she needs more adventure in her life than I can give her. I validated that, yes, in the past I was lacking in that department, but I can change in the future. She wasn't having any of that though. Actually, the first part of the night I don't remember much of other than her telling me that it's over and me crying a lot. She told me that she's considering joining the peace corps and that she wants to go live in Africa. Like a fool I pleaded and said that I would wait for her. She said that wasn't fair to me. I told her that my hopes and dreams for the future were now crushed and gone. I made a few other comments like this too and then I apologized for sounding desperate and that I really did want her to be happy no matter what that meant. She said that I didn't sound desperate and that she's been very surprised about how I've handled myself this whole time. So, if nothing else, thanks to DB for that.
So that was it, it's over, it's done. She was worried about me being alone, so she wouldn't leave. Then she said that she was hungry and that she wanted to make sure that I ate, so she took me out to dinner. We brought it back to the house to eat. I was going to sit in a chair, but then she told me that she wanted me to sit next to her on the couch. ?!?*&!? Well we ate and watched some TV and then we started talking again.
It turns out that she does have feelings for the old boyfriend that she's been hanging around with. She hasn't acted on them and she doesn't know if he feels the same way. She said that she wished that there were a way for her to get rid of those feelings. She also told me that she loved me, but didn't feel like she loved me romantically anymore. (Whatever that means.) And that if she were to come back that she didn't know if she could ever be intimate with me again. I just said that would take time and is something that we would have to work on. We have to start a new relationship. I think that this is really the heart of the matter. I think that this is why she is looking to "run away" into the peace corps. I told her that I didn't think that she should be making big decisions like this until she was clear about what she wanted from life.
I'm in a turmoil of emotions right now and I don't know where we stand. I think that she's still of the notion that it's over because it's not fair to me. She said that she doesn't feel like she deserves me and that she effed up too much to ever come back. She kept asking for forgiveness. She hoped that someday I wouldn't be mad at her. I said that I forgave her and that I wasn't mad at her, just sad at her.
She ended up spending the night because she thought that the roads would be bad. This was her idea and she seemed really wishy-washy about it as she kept asking if it was alright. She obviously slept on the couch again, but as she was getting ready for bed she didn't find it strange to change in front of me. ??$$@%!#%? She also wants to stop over tomorrow night for a little bit before she has to go to a meeting. I'm so confused and frustrated. I barely slept last night and cried silently to myself through most of it.
I don't know what to do. How do I get her to love me "romantically" again? I feel lost all of a sudden. I thought that I knew what I was doing and that it seemed to be working. Maybe her guilt is what pushed her to this. It kind of seemed that way. She wanted me to be mad at her and kick her out so that it would be easier on her. When she fessed up about the ex, I told her that I pretty much expected that for some time. She said that she felt foolish and small and wondered how I still loved her. I said that I didn't think that she really understood how much I loved her and that my love was unconditional.
I feel like I'm rambling now, but there's probably more to say that I've forgotten. Any input is greatly appreciated.
I feel like I love her, she loves him and no one loves me. Hence the title of my new thread.
Lovelorn B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I'm not an expert, and I wasn't there, but I wouldn't say this was all bad. It sounds like she is very confused. I highly doubt that she really knows how she feels about you. It sounds like you handled it as well as possible. Clearly she has noticed the changes in you and still have feelings for you.
Thanks for trying to see something positive in it Woog. I appreciate it. She did say that she doesn't want to lose me from her life. As hard as it was, I told her that I would always be someone that she could count on...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
First of all B...I love you ok?? I know that doesn't mean much...but it's something!
Second, try not to see this as the end, but just another bump in the road.
I think that she was feeling close to you again and because she is still confused, she now needs to back off to figure it out. Like my H, she is saying it is over so she can truly feel free to make the choices she needs to. I think they feel that they've been on the fence for so long that they have to make a decision so they can stop feeling confused. The decision that will stop YOU from spinning is to just say it's over.
And maybe it is for now. I try to think of it that my old M is over. If there is a chance for us we have to start fresh again anyway.
I think one thing is clear, you and your W are still friends. I can't really say the same. She changed in front of you? That's good! It shows a comfort level. You are still connected. But I think you need to be careful because it sounds like she is going to do some cake eating. Still wanting to see you and hang out. Maybe you need go back to being dark.
Also, she may feel that she needs to tell you this so she can really explore her feelings about OM. She is being honest with you so that she can absolve herself of guilt if she pursues it.
Having said that, I think you have to decide if you're up for the wait. We're in a similar position (minus the 2 kids). My H says it's over and I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. BUT, I know that this is going to be a LONG process. I don't know how long I'm willing to wait, but I've still got fight left in me. I'm not giving up on him just yet. So I'm still DB'ing my butt off, but the focus is on me and my life.
I'm really sorry that it didn't go the way you wanted it to. Don't give up yet...we're in this together! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Thanks Jenny. It does mean something to me to hear you say that. I love you too. I love all of you here. You've become an extended family of sorts that I can count on through the darkest times.
I do feel like we're still connected and that she cares about me. Otherwise, why would she stick around all evening and then spend the night. Let alone change in front of me, hold my hand, want me to sit with her on the couch, run her fingers through my hair, hug and hold me, cry with me, tell me she doesn't want to lose me from her life, etc...
I agree with the cake eating though. And that she wants freedom to explore her feeling for OM. Although it does sound like she wishes that she could just get rid of them too.
I'm confused as to what to do with the going dark. Part of me thinks that I need to woo her and really try to win her back. The OM and her were dating right up until her and I started dating. So if I stole her away once, maybe I can do it again... I know that's not likely though and even if it did work she would still have feelings for him that she needs to work through. So I guess that I have to sit back and wait. I don't think that I'm going to go completely dark, but I'm most likely not going to contact her first and I will make myself less available. I'm scared to do this, but I think it may be my only option.
It's hard to believe that she's going to throw away 10+ years of being with me to explore something she felt for a couple months when she was a teenager. Part of me thinks that she's reverting back to her teenage years by the actions and attitudes that she taken...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
It turns out that she does have feelings for the old boyfriend that she's been hanging around with. She hasn't acted on them and she doesn't know if he feels the same way. She said that she wished that there were a way for her to get rid of those feelings. She also told me that she loved me, but didn't feel like she loved me romantically anymore. (Whatever that means.) And that if she were to come back that she didn't know if she could ever be intimate with me again. I just said that would take time and is something that we would have to work on. We have to start a new relationship. I think that this is really the heart of the matter. I think that this is why she is looking to "run away" into the peace corps. I told her that I didn't think that she should be making big decisions like this until she was clear about what she wanted from life.
I've heard all of that before, although without the admittance that there is someone else. You're probably not going to get too far while she still has feelings for this guy, but it doesn't mean you have to give up. My W has come back to me a couple of times since I heard those words (although, she has since wandered off again).
There are a couple of ways you can handle this:
1) Go dark, or at least grey - Maybe without the support system you offer she will be more likely to question what she is doing. The whole Peace Corps thing sounds like BS to me - Is that what this other guy is involved in?
2) Step up and try to win her - If she isn't in the right place, this might go badly, but there have been instances where I have really done some nice things for my W and she has honestly appreciated them.
Just remember that you can't control her and she has to make decisions at her own pace. The fact that she is hanging out with you so much and her behavior is not consistent with what she is saying makes detaching REALLY hard. Time to start investing some time and energy in yourself, otherwise you're just going to burn out really quickly.
I realize all of what you heard wasn't what you wanted to hear - It always feels like you're starting over from scratch. At the end of the day, if she really didn't care about you and wanted to be gone, she would be.
Is she seeing a C or anyone? I'm not sure if you have the ability, but maybe you can encourage her to go and see someone? I had to 'tough love' my W into it, but she's starting to go consistently now.
I know that's not likely though and even if it did work she would still have feelings for him that she needs to work through. So I guess that I have to sit back and wait. I don't think that I'm going to go completely dark, but I'm most likely not going to contact her first and I will make myself less available. I'm scared to do this, but I think it may be my only option.