Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

root, I am slowly seeing that I truly I'm somewhat controlling, not because I'm a control freak, but in a futile effort of "keeping" H around/with me. Just realized that there are little things, tons of them, that prob smother H, like when he decides to drive to his place instead of staying w/his mom nearby, I'm just thinking "but it is much closer if you stay w/your mom, you could be saving gas...". He knows this, he isnt' stupid, he even put that up as an alternative when we were laying out the S rules. Me bringing it up just shows how much I want to know where he is and I just feel I have to "suggest" what he should do.
I remember yesterday how H said last month during C how small I make him feel. I dont' blame him, I always think I know the best way to do things and want to be the improvement committee. An art teacher eons ago told me I'm a great problem solver... and that's my problem, I want to solve H's problems too.

*SIgh* I think I can also use this S to still work on our R in that aspect, to respect his decisions and to stop trying to thinks of "better ways" he can do things, to stop treating him like a child about every day tasks.

I just have to recommend you all read "If I'm missing or dead", about this woman who went missing and left a letter pointing to her live-in bf. The writer is her sister who also lived in an abusive R, who rationalizes her H's craziness as love and tries to be "perfect" so her H would love her, how she tried hard to earn his love despite being treated like crap. Lots of great lessons to learn there, not that I see anyone on this part of the board on an abusive R, but there are good lessons on that book we could learn.

Told s9 yesterday, it was weird, I really thought he'd be more upset, I told him how mom and dad needed some time apart to work things out (just like mommy needs "me" time after him and sis go to bed") that it had nothing to do w/him or sis and that dad would still be around. At some point I thought I saw him glassy eyed and he had his lips sucked inwards...then I realized he was trying to stifle a giggle because d4 chimed in loudly "what? that's crazy talk!" He was fine, even a bit miffed that I had to remind him it was family's business and no one had to know (my immediate family) because he said "why would I say anything if I didnt' say anything before?" meaning last time H was away. Perhaps he thinks it will be like last time, that H will come back for sure...

I hope so too, I want that more than anything.

But if not, I know it will be ok and that the kids and I will be fine.