Unrequited Love...

[bhopeful]

Last night did not go in my favor. We did talk for over 4 hours, so I'll be lucky if I can remember it all. Here goes though...

She got here around 6 and after saying "Hi" to the dogs pretty much got straight down to business. She began telling me how she is a free spirit and she needs more adventure in her life than I can give her. I validated that, yes, in the past I was lacking in that department, but I can change in the future. She wasn't having any of that though. Actually, the first part of the night I don't remember much of other than her telling me that it's over and me crying a lot. She told me that she's considering joining the peace corps and that she wants to go live in Africa. Like a fool I pleaded and said that I would wait for her. She said that wasn't fair to me. I told her that my hopes and dreams for the future were now crushed and gone. I made a few other comments like this too and then I apologized for sounding desperate and that I really did want her to be happy no matter what that meant. She said that I didn't sound desperate and that she's been very surprised about how I've handled myself this whole time. So, if nothing else, thanks to DB for that.

So that was it, it's over, it's done. She was worried about me being alone, so she wouldn't leave. Then she said that she was hungry and that she wanted to make sure that I ate, so she took me out to dinner. We brought it back to the house to eat. I was going to sit in a chair, but then she told me that she wanted me to sit next to her on the couch. ?!?*&!? Well we ate and watched some TV and then we started talking again.

It turns out that she does have feelings for the old boyfriend that she's been hanging around with. She hasn't acted on them and she doesn't know if he feels the same way. She said that she wished that there were a way for her to get rid of those feelings. She also told me that she loved me, but didn't feel like she loved me romantically anymore. (Whatever that means.) And that if she were to come back that she didn't know if she could ever be intimate with me again. I just said that would take time and is something that we would have to work on. We have to start a new relationship. I think that this is really the heart of the matter. I think that this is why she is looking to "run away" into the peace corps. I told her that I didn't think that she should be making big decisions like this until she was clear about what she wanted from life.

I'm in a turmoil of emotions right now and I don't know where we stand. I think that she's still of the notion that it's over because it's not fair to me. She said that she doesn't feel like she deserves me and that she effed up too much to ever come back. She kept asking for forgiveness. She hoped that someday I wouldn't be mad at her. I said that I forgave her and that I wasn't mad at her, just sad at her.

She ended up spending the night because she thought that the roads would be bad. This was her idea and she seemed really wishy-washy about it as she kept asking if it was alright. She obviously slept on the couch again, but as she was getting ready for bed she didn't find it strange to change in front of me. ??$$@%!#%? She also wants to stop over tomorrow night for a little bit before she has to go to a meeting. I'm so confused and frustrated. I barely slept last night and cried silently to myself through most of it.

I don't know what to do. How do I get her to love me "romantically" again? I feel lost all of a sudden. I thought that I knew what I was doing and that it seemed to be working. Maybe her guilt is what pushed her to this. It kind of seemed that way. She wanted me to be mad at her and kick her out so that it would be easier on her. When she fessed up about the ex, I told her that I pretty much expected that for some time. She said that she felt foolish and small and wondered how I still loved her. I said that I didn't think that she really understood how much I loved her and that my love was unconditional.

I feel like I'm rambling now, but there's probably more to say that I've forgotten. Any input is greatly appreciated.

I feel like I love her, she loves him and no one loves me. Hence the title of my new thread.

Lovelorn B