I suppose so, I am still in stage one, so I need to just gtin and bear it until she is more relaxed. I keep promising that I wont talk about R or OM as it pretty much guarantees a fight. Sad thing tonight was that she was sick afterward (maybe to do with the pregnancy or me or the fact that we watched that new film cloverfield) I have set myself a 2 week plan, to keep my mouth shut and help her relax until valentines day. I am not hoping for much on valentines day i just dont want to fight on that day. I will want to ask if the OM gave her anything, but that can wait till a later date (and if she got him anything). I have booked tickets to see Madame butterfly on the 16th so I hope we will be better by then. more relaxed I mean. Thanks again Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Hey Lanzo, tried to send you my MSN address, but says you have too many open topics or something.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Been a few days... Just wanted to touch base. Things have been up and down, had a fight on Friday (think I mentioned) Saturday I went out most of the day. I aplogised for my behaviour the previous night, she said she undersatnds that I want to see the emails.... I had done alot thinking about this, and I really dont want to see them now. It is enough to know that they have a connection, I dont need to read about it. I told her that she was right, even if the mails are innocent enough, I am sensitive at the moment and may get upset by small things. I said I would hate it to even seen `love from` at the end of the mails, but she strongly denied that they wrote that. I am starting to notice how to tell her untruths... when something is untrue, she interupts me with a denial, but if she doesnt then it is likely true. And Sunday, Sunday afternoon was nice. In the morning W told me I didnt need to go out, it was ok to stay in the house. I went out but came back earlier than I planned, just to make sure I am following through with my plans. I have just been going to a coffee shop and working my way through DR book (it is better than DB). Monday we went to the midwife together for our first appointment. Nothing much happened so we were a little disappointed by that. I suggested we go for a coffee as it is rare we have time togehter during the day in the week. She didnt want to take becuase she was disappointed about the midwife. She has also been thinking about how it will be scary being a single Mother and living alone, but she is not happy now. I asked if separation will make her happy, but she said she doesnt know. I asked her if separation is something she wants or something she thinks she needs to do. She said she wants to do it as she is not having fun with me at the moment, it is too hard to be with me as we keep having deep conversations (although I see improvement in my ability to keep my mouth shut). I asked her how long she had been unhappy, and she said since just before Christmas (when she dropped the bomb), maybe a bit before. She said she understands why I have been acting like a headless chicken, but anyway it is not nice. She hates herself for hurting me. I asked her (I know you probably wont like this question) if she had asked OM about separation, as he is the only person we know who has been though it. Get his opinion as to its worth, why he went back etc.. She said he had actually only separated a few days, but she had asked him about her separation ideas. Here is the big wierd answer `the OM told her that he thinks she will change her mind when the baby is born and come back to me, and that she should probably give me another chance!!!` WTF is going on now!! She said that I never got it about him, he is just someone at work who is in a similar situation and can confide in each other, just a good friend who she can have laugh with in work (with everyone else). So if I follow that rational... they shared secrets (i understand it is good to speak to people outside the M), and they shared a connection, and just took it too far. I would say that the sexual encounter (I still beleive it only happened the once.) was just 2 friends overstepping boundries. I know that is it still not nice, but it makes me feel a whole lot better than it being about romance with the OM (their only face to face contact is still in work.) I know they still text and email, but that is bothering me less now. I thought back through our relationship, and my W has always been able to get along better with men rather than women (who she feels can be too bitchy) I have actaully been jelous of a male friend at least twice before. I may be wrong in my assement of the PA, but at the moment I dont really care as the thought has relaxed me considerably, and that can only be a good thing. Tonight I was out when she got home and when I got home I could see she was really tired, took a joking statment a little seriously. So I backed right off. I just did the dishes after dinner and said she could go to bed, she asked me for a hot water bottle, so I made one and took it into her room. She then started a small R chat... she said that she doesnt know why she doesnt have any patience (not only with me, but in work and other parts of her life), and that if she could have a little more patience then she would be able to give me another chance. Life would be easier then she said. I told her that if I can do anything to help her in this process to let me know. She said that she thinks she has already asked me too much, she can see it is hard to leave her alone. I told her that it is getting easier and if she needs more space to just ask, I can stay out until 8 or 9 I said. She said she doesnt want that as I will get too tired. So I just told her that anything I can do, let me know. I then told her about some jobs she might be interested in (she had express an interest in seeing what else what out there, over the weekend), then we said good night and I came to my room (my room... the guest room) Seems we are having alternate good and bad days, hope the trend doesnt follow and make tomorrow bad.
I am more in control of myself now, beginning to feel happier at last, after these weeks of just pretending.
I have been keeping a notebook with ideas, like the DR book says, if my W expresses an interest in giving the M a shot, should I show her what I have come up with do you think or just start a new one togehter? I dont want her to think I have been thinking too much on our, mine, and her problems.
Please any feedback, am I on the verge of a breakthough, any way to coax her? I think I already know the answer... keep doing what I am doing.
What do you make of this, especially the OMs ideas on separation. And her acceptance that if she had more patience then she could give us anothe shot.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
She said she wants to do it as she is not having fun with me at the moment, it is too hard to be with me as we keep having deep conversations
My take on your last post is that there is too much discussion with W about you sitch and about OM which all seems like pressure on her. I know you're keen to get things moving but for now I think you should just be a friend to your W. Keep all chat light and just make yourself someone she's comfortable to be around.
Originally Posted By: steve477
she said that she doesnt know why she doesnt have any patience (not only with me, but in work and other parts of her life), and that if she could have a little more patience then she would be able to give me another chance.
This will be just one of many options she's swilling around in her head, but it's by no means her final answer.
Originally Posted By: steve477
`the OM told her that he thinks she will change her mind when the baby is born and come back to me, and that she should probably give me another chance!!!` WTF is going on now!!
Your not gonna like this but the statement from OM is a bit of reverse psychology, he trying to strengthen his hand with W by appearing to push her away. Also I think if you ask too much about OM you're likely to push her towards him.
Just relax and keep W focused on a happy fun loving you, this way you distract her from OM, if she focused on you this may well pee him off and get him to blow their relationship. But if you keep asking after them you may be the one to blow it.
Steve this is all still in your hands but you've got to relax and move at a slower pace.
I know everything you said is valid and passed through my mind as well. I am going to look at the positives though as it helps me to be relaxed and fun loving. All the things I am striving for!
Cheers Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
What do you think OM wants from my wife? He has shown a great commitment to his son. He has told my W that he doesnt want more kids (she is pregnant), and that he cant give her what she wants in life (R, family?) So what does he want? Just someone on the side? My W will not settle for that. If she leaves me it will be because of me and not him I think. I dont want to see her hurt by this guy eventually.
My W has said that she is willing to send her resume out to other jobs, to see whats out there. That is a plus I think.
Lanzo, you said that working on the M is just one of many things in my Ws head at the moment. I am just glad it is back in the running, as I think it wasnt there 2 or 3 weeks ago.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
What do you think OM wants from my wife? He has shown a great commitment to his son. He has told my W that he doesnt want more kids (she is pregnant), and that he cant give her what she wants in life (R, family?) So what does he want? Just someone on the side? My W will not settle for that. If she leaves me it will be because of me and not him I think. I dont want to see her hurt by this guy eventually.
My W has said that she is willing to send her resume out to other jobs, to see whats out there. That is a plus I think.
Lanzo, you said that working on the M is just one of many things in my Ws head at the moment. I am just glad it is back in the running, as I think it wasnt there 2 or 3 weeks ago.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
What do you think OM wants from my wife? He has shown a great commitment to his son. He has told my W that he doesnt want more kids (she is pregnant), and that he cant give her what she wants in life (R, family?) So what does he want? Just someone on the side? My W will not settle for that. If she leaves me it will be because of me and not him I think. I dont want to see her hurt by this guy eventually.
My W has said that she is willing to send her resume out to other jobs, to see whats out there. That is a plus I think.
Lanzo, you said that working on the M is just one of many things in my Ws head at the moment. I am just glad it is back in the running, as I think it wasnt there 2 or 3 weeks ago.
Cheers
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
What does OM what from your W ? a friend, a lover, a confidant, emotional support, a bit on the side, someone he can't have, etc, etc. . You could drive yourself mad trying to work them out so best thing is to leave it, invest you boundless energy elsewhere.
You could also ask what does your W wants from OM but again you could drive yourself mad.
Bottom line is they are two people living in a fantasy world, that has no real logic to us so for your own sanity stop thinking about them.
Originally Posted By: steve477
you said that working on the M is just one of many things in my Ws head at the moment. I am just glad it is back in the running, as I think it wasnt there 2 or 3 weeks ago.
Working on the M has always been in her head, it's just that it's being masked by the many other different options shes thinking about. You're job is to keep that thought upper most in her mind so it gives you a chance. But you get this more through your good actions rather than lots of R talk.
