Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny, you have to know that when daughter says things like that, H IS noticing. Of course, he can't show that it affects him though. You're sounding good. My train just derailed - at my doing. Read my thread. I made a bad move, bad. I hope daughter's sleepover went well at Grandmas.

[JennyF]

Lizzy,
Thanks for catching up with me and for your thoughts.
1)
My D's b-day is on Thursday, I just had the party for her last weekend. We have been talking for weeks now about when she turns 3 "no more soo soos!" (soothers). She's been prettu gung ho about it, but now I think reality is starting to set it so we'll see how it goes. She only gets it at bedtime anyway. On Thursday night, she is going to bed with them. We've already discussed that the Soother Fairy is going to come and will take her Soo Soos and leave her a special present. I've got giant pink fur letters that spell her name and I'm going to put them in her room for when she wakes up! She'll love them.
THEN...and here is the great part...H has her for the weekend! No more soo soos and he's got her overnight for 2 nights. Hopefully it's not too hard on D...but at least H will have to step up.

2) I'm gearing up to tell H to forget about the house at all right now. I met with the bank and she said that while I could carry the house myself once I go back to work (meaning they would approve me), it's not a wise financial move on my part.
I'm going to speak to my lawyer about it tomorrow to make sure I've got all my ducks in a row... and then let H know by the end of the week. He's going to be pissed. I don't care.

3) MIL...yeah, the whole family has issues. In fact I believe that this is their crisis equally. It's all intertwined with his Dad and the whole sordid story. I think they have family things to work out...but with their tendency for avoidance it may take a while.

4) I agree with you about the signed papers! Each day brings new possibility. Best thing I can do is just sit back and let it unfold.

I remember hearing a quote in "The Secret" and I've felt it was relevent to our DB sitch's...it's not verbadum, but here it goes...

You can get from California to New York driving in the dark with just your headlights. You know where you're going, but you can only see 200 yards in front of you at a time.
Life has a tendency to unfold this way, if you just trust that the next 200 yards will unfold and the next 200 after that...you'll eventually get where you're going.

And then they quote Martin Luther King:
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole stair case...just take the first step.

J~

[kml]

THEN...and here is the great part...H has her for the weekend! No more soo soos and he's got her overnight for 2 nights. Hopefully it's not too hard on D...but at least H will have to step up.

LOL!!!! Brilliant!!!!
Ellie

[JennyF]

OK...I need to set some goals.

I feel as though I am starting to really GAL. I'm starting to find my groove in my new routine and my calendar is filling up nicely.
H and I have a schedule in place so it is easier to plan around.
I've got some logistical stuff to take care of...calling my lawyer and finalizing our financial agreement. Hopefully that will all be out of the way by the end of the week.

I have been feeling a little guilty because I've been a bit lazy with some of this stuff. Procrastinating just a bit I guess.
But I really thought about it tonight and you know what? Who the hell do I have to answer to? NO ONE! I'm doing this at my own pace and it feels right.
This got me to thinking about how I need to change myself. That I really want to make the best effort possible to look at those things that have a tendancy to drag me down and do something about it. So these are the goals I'm speaking about...
More Confessions of a Supermom:

1) I have tendency to always worry about what others think of me and if I'm being judged. GOAL: I will not dwell on what others may be thinking. I'll be true to myself and have confidence in my decisions without feeling the need to justify or explain to others.

2) I have a bit of a fear of being alone. As a result I've really leaned on a lot of people during this time (rightfully so), but I need to feel comfortable on my own. GOAL: To not try to fill every moment with friends. Enjoy time spent with me and start to do things just for and about me. Like Yoga. And reading. And knitting. I could go on and on...

3) I want to be more easy going. I have a habit of getting caught up in the routines and schedules andd little details of everyday life as a mom of 2 little ones and I just need to back off and let things play out. GOAL: Back off sometimes and just go with the flow.

4) Patience patience patience. I need to be more patient. This goes hand in hand with #3. GOAL: Stop looking for all the all actions and answers immediately and just back off and go with the flow. This goes fors my DB efforts as well as something as simple as giving my D bath and getting her into bed. Patience is afterall a virtue!

5) Stop talking to friends and family constantly about my sitch. I think that one is self explanatory.

Well...that's it so far. Many of these are things my H would probably have said bothered him (I'm kind of guessing because I never really got the chance to hear much about what WTF I did do wrong).

Lastly...I did something tonight that I think was my first step to being my H's friend. As well as I've been doing detaching and not talking about our R, I don't think I've been quite as cheerful in front of him as I should be. I've had a hard time with giving S to him so I've been fairly quiet and a bit sad sometimes. I save the crying until he is gone...but he knows it's bothering me.
ANYWYAY...I sent him an e-mail tonight with 5 really cute pics of the kids I took on the weekend.
I just said:
Hi,
I thought you might like these.
J

That's it. It really felt good to do it. I don't feel it is reaching out to him or anything. I think it's just me sharing pics of OUR kids with him. I haven't done ANYTHING like this in months...so I'm trying something different. I really don't see any way it can do any harm anyway.
I hope that if nothing else it plants the tiniest tiniest seed of doubt within him somewhere. Even if it's just a split second pang of "hmmmmm?"...I really hope it does. No expectations though...I'm more concerned with me now than him.

J~
We'll see what happens.

[hope2wrkitout]

JF can I be like you when I grow up? You sound great and I think the pics things was totally appropiate. I admire you b/c as much as i would like to be friends with H i realize that I am still too hurt and angry. We were best friends for many, many years before we dated and were married. Right now it feels like none of that mattered. Maybe one day, but not now. Good for you though.

[phbear316]

Me too!

I so want to be like Jenny when I grow up.

I wish I had 1/2 her strength, I would even settle for 1/3.

Where and how jenny gets the strength, i wish she would bottle it and sell it, I would put myself in for cases of it LOL

hugs jenny

bear

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny, you sound wonderful. I think the photo thing is very kind of you and a good 180 if it's not something you have done for a long time. It doesn't have to be any kind of reaching out effort. It was a nice gesture. It reminds me of when I texted H with praise about him being a father and the confidence that I had in him. I wasn't looking for anything in return, I just wanted to be nice. It went a long way, I think. Have a great tomorrow. And, thank you for always checking on me. I know that sometimes I ramble on about the same crap, but I appreciate you and everyone on this board.

[JennyF]

hopetoworkitout, bear & blindsided,
Thanks for your encouraging comments!
I have to confess though (more confessions...) that there are a lot of times when I am faking it 'til I make it. You all say I sound so strong, but I'm making sure that I sound strong even though sometimes I don't feel like it. I have to tell you that it is half the battle!

Now the other secret to my strength??
I am a practical person. I want the quickest and most efficient way from A to B. There has been enough advice from people on these boards and the past success stories for us to KNOW what works and what doesn't. I AM NOT WILLING TO DO WHAT DOESN'T WORK!
Yes, I know there will be the odd backslide...but I am not willing to prolong this any more than need be.
Dwelling on the negative and constantly repeating it isn't going to get me anywhere and it will come across when I do communicate with H whether I know it or not.
I can't just talk about GAL anymore, I have to just do it.

Einstein said...
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I know it's hard to stop doing what comes instinctually, but when you KNOW it is having the opposite effect of what you want...STOP DOING IT!

My H and I are so removed from eachother emotionally right now it's killing me. But I'm choosing to believe that means we are closer to getting where we need to be. H is in the darkest part of the tunnel right now and I have no idea how long he will be there. But at least he's gotten there...hopefully it means the light at the other end will eventually come.

I may not be seeing results, but I'm choosing to believe that the current state of affairs is in fact 'results'. It is part of the process. If we don't get to this point...I'll never be able to let him go to figure it out. So the fact that we are further away from eachother than ever before is a GOOD thing for me! It means we're moving right along.

It's an optimist's view...but isn't that what faith is?? Believing in what you have no evidence of?

There you go bear...all bottled up for you...and the best part is it's FREE! The strength is within you, I know it's there.

Hang in there guys...you're all a lot stronger than you give yourselves credit for!
J~

[Startingover2]

You are truly a strong woman and always look for the positives! I admire you.

[W2G]

I agree with SO2 Jenny.. you are so very strong! I'm going to keep up with your thread. I feel stronger and like I can do this just by reading what you write!