I had a super intense counseling session on Monday. We talked about what happened last week, when my C started pushing me and I cried for a long time. My C told me that what he did last week was push me to talk about something I hadn't already structured and organized. This week, basically my counselor told me that I am very smart, very strong, but also very dominant and controlling. He also told me that I have only been willing to discuss in counseling what I have already organized. Ay yi yi... I told him, wow, it is really sad that I am pulling the same S%$# in counseling that I did with my B. Two of my big issues with my B (that I figured out in retrospect) were control and important topics being off-limits. And he explained that in order to help me lay the foundations for a new connection with B, he needs to get through to work on me. But I have been putting up an impenetrable wall of analysis.
Man... it was really hard to hear that I am dominant and controlling. I hate being dominated and controlled and I try really, really hard to be sensitive to that in my interactions with others. Maybe I will be able to figure out *why* I do this and then be able to behave differently.
It connects to a lot of other things I have been thinking about: -letting go of the story and just holding on to the feeling (that's a buddhist meditation technique) -not trying to do everything with just my brain -embracing the parts that are hurting ("hello, my little sadness")
I also realized in the session that all the times in the past when I thought my C was discouraging me from working towards reconciliation, he was actually just trying to steer me to talk about the stuff I haven't processed yet.
even though I have really been trying to fully submit to this whole experience & let it transform me and clean me out, I guess I'm still really resistant to facing my own dark side. I guess I have a lot more housecleaning to do!!
my C also told me I am an amazing client, that every week he is amazed by all the work I am doing. I told him I am not sure I will ever be ready for reconciliation because I have so much more to do and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "yes, you will." That was good.
It's funny because I always thought that being able to organize my emotions was a strength. And it is actually hard for me sometimes to deal with people whose emotions aren't organized. I actually basically trained my B to only come to me after he had organized everything. Because when he would process with me he would say all kinds of crazy hurtful bizarre things that didn't make sense. So I asked him to put it together with his friends and then bring it to me so I wouldn't have to get hurt by the stuff that was really raw. I realized shortly after the bomb that I created my own communication breakdown by discouraging him from coming to me with his raw emotions. And now I realize this also meant he never got to face his dark side with me at his side. Yikes.
But I think I'm going to get a lot of stuff done with my counselor now. Ay yi yiiii!!! It's just funny that it took us almost three months to get to this point...
Oh! plus I have been Totally Dark for over three months now (as of last saturday). If I have to go the full six months of darkness, that means I am already halfway there!! When I emerge from the chrysalis, I think I will be a transformed woman... who has faced her demons and her darkness... and healed herself. That is what I'm working towards!
