Do I want it?... I think the important part is the "it". What kind of R will "it be?
...a return to the past sitch? Probably not what you are looking for!
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...an uncomfortable R where W is still working on her issues but you are together? Again, not for me.
...a reconciliation after W has had a chance to really work out all of her issues on her own? Maybe, but who knows who the person will be who comes out of this process and whether the two of you will at all be compatible as a married couple.
1. Is definite No , I have told W this and she agrees. 2. I would be reluctant unless W had gone a long way towards accepting the responsibility of working together to build a new R. 3. Depends on what appears at the end I guess.
Of Interest I got home yesterday and W had baked scones and prepared dinner for me and the oldest S , was taking the younger 2 for dinner at her place. Had got some stuff i needed including ear plugs that I use when on the Bike because I was getting low. Was nice and attentive , looking Hot and gave me a real hug and kiss when she left . After i slapped myself ( wake up ..Wake up! ) I figured it was an appology for treating me badly over the last few days. She would never use the S word ( sorry) but this is her way. I sent her a TXT message later saying Dinner was great and and thanking her for the effort.
Now this is a W I could happily live with and when she is like this it softens my resolve and I am sure she knows it.
Its easy when she is being abrasive and difficult to decide to keep moving on , then it seems just as she thinks she pushed to far she turns on the charm to try and real me back in.
The answer is of course to reward he for being good , i.e the thanks but to maintain my course in the same way that I would if she was being abusive to me ( the two extremes)
I sometimes wonder if there are some serious underlying issues going on that would provide a team of phycologists with enough material for a text book.
This is a wild ride , at least its not boring ! I might as well enjoy it.
Dave, Have you read The Way of the Superior Man? I think his view of the male-female dichotomie explains a lot of what is going on in your R right now.
Your W is testing you.
First she tests you by being a b!tch to see if that will sway you from your course.
Next she tests you by turning on the charm, dressing up and cooking for you to see if that will sway you from your course.
Well done, you passed the test so far. This will, according to Deida, draw her to you because you have shown that your course is unwaivering. Unfortunately, if she is in MLC, this attraction may cause a whole miriad of negative feelings in her and then you start the whole cycle all over again!!
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This is a wild ride , at least its not boring ! I might as well enjoy it.
LOL!!! Great attitude! I had never thought of it that way! SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I got this on CD so I could listen in the car while I travel and I have listened to it twice apart from the strange couples stuff at the end. He covers a lot of stuff very well.
I have been helping her find a new place to live and I have been getting quite a few acknowledgements and words of appreciation from W. I have accepted these with thanks. I think my attitude change which is now " lets get on with what we need to do " and helping her set up a more permanent place with enthusiasm has her a little rattled as amongst the gratitude , anger often appears when unexpected. I am gently trying to impose some boundaries but as my friend says I am too soft on her and have to be less willing to help her when she needs me , let her stand on her own 2 feet for a while. But despite everything its not in me not to help when needed .
I am actualy happy not to be living with W now and every day I think it gets harder to think of going back. I am bored with this celibate life as well . I have had a few "casual dates" over the last month which have been nice distractions and will probably continue to do so , in this regard both ladies are happy with the situation and knowledge that I am not looking for any commitment or emotional attachment. they are both the sort where I can call after no contact for a couple of weeks and say " what are you doing tonight ? want to catch a movie? ". Sometimes I would like more but thats not fair on anyone until I have realy decided I am done.
CK, Sounds like you are well grounded and doors are still open, but you are very realistic about things. I think helping w out is a good thing. It certainly appears she is still unsure about things. Thanks for checking back in with me, I appreciate your input!
Just catching up with you to see where we are.....yep, pretty much right on target in our parallel lives.
I've also been enjoying my "free" time lately, & although I thought I was doing some light dating, there seemed to be expectations of more of a commitment than I have any desire of fulfilling. It's nice that you've found women who aren't going to pressure you for more (at least not yet).
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Now this is a W I could happily live with and when she is like this it softens my resolve and I am sure she knows it.
Its easy when she is being abrasive and difficult to decide to keep moving on , then it seems just as she thinks she pushed to far she turns on the charm to try and real me back in.
The answer is of course to reward he for being good , i.e the thanks but to maintain my course in the same way that I would if she was being abusive to me.
Uncanny how she knows just when she's pushed you too far & when to start pulling you back in. The anger you see seems likely to be from your new attitude of detachment. It's probably hard for her to take when you're enthusiastic about helping her set up a more permanent place, that would make any WAS take notice.
As they say in the "As If" attitude, when you stop returning pain for pain, meet their emotional needs in a respectful, though not submissive way, that the dynamics of the R change.
It sounds like you're in a good place over-all & getting better all the time.
I am in a better place and have detached to a state where I can deal with the " nuts and bolts" issues that surround our situation without any emotional pain. It has taken some time but I am there now and its OK.
The other night W changed plans on me , It was her night to have D and younger S and then she wanted to change plans last minute. I told her I had made plans , she wanted to know who with , where , when etc. I just said thats not the issue here and left it at that. W was most upset that I did not disclose who I had plans with and sent me angry txt messages to this effect. In the end something quite unrelated happened so that I could not do what I had planned , told W . I also during this txt her the following; " If i was going out with a Woman why are you angry ? you not want me , i am not looking 4 serious relationship right now need time to find self." and then " this is not a competition , I still love you and will do the best I can when you need me but I have my life to get on with". ( thats the first time I have meantioned the love word since I started DB'ing as far as I can remember )
I got no reply until next day when to my surprise I got a full appology , She told me that I did not deserve what she said and that it was childish of her , she said she was so sorry.
That was not a baby step , for her that was a huge step. I accepted her appology .
Since then I have found her a place to move to and will help her move later in the week she seems quite happy with this as am I as I am hopefull this will enable some reasonable boundaries to be set. She is already calling our house " the house" so has moved on from "home" which is healthy , I have called her her appartment " your home " for quite some time.
This new cottage is a lot closer to the kids schools and "the house" so will be much more convenient and give W less excuse for spending time at home.
Over the last few days there has been a lot less of the "Alien" and a little of the giver is starting reappear in W as it relates to me. For example I had a long day yesterday and was exausted when I got home . W stayed and helped me do dinner for the Kids " because I looked beat " . This may seem insignificant but in the past she has made a point of telling me anything she does to help is "for the Kids" . This is a big step where she is doing something to help me . She is certainly much nicer to have about the place and its great to have some kindness returned.
However , my expectations are still the same , I have not changed my stance , this is good stuff but I would need to see a lot more over a period of time before I got excited. I still firmly believe that living apart is best for us right now.
I have carried on through all this as normal.
What does all this mean ? possibly not a lot I don't have any expectations , this is quite probably as good as it gets for us . The fairytale ending still looks as improbable as ever.
Dave, Not sure about the fairy tale, but you never know where it will end up! I think you will probably find someone new, someone who is in a better place than your W and that will be that. Sad, but you can't live your life waiting for someone else to become the person who you deserve.
Sounds like a lot of positives for now, just keep the expectations low and see where the path leads.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
you can't live your life waiting for someone else to become the person who you deserve.
Very true words .
I am certainly experiencing life right now and through casual dating meeting new people and I even think the emotional turmoil lets us live life a bit more fully. Sometimes being forced from a comfort zone is not a bad thing. Feels like rubbish at the time but it leads to a world of opportunity if you can embrace the change.
A little more journaling.
Helped W move to the cottage over the week end. I was not quite prepared for the emotional impact this would have on me. It was a further step away from what was my initial goal. However in a way this will be healthy. I have felt for some time that W spends far to much time here at home and that she is enjoying home life plus independence. Now that we have some gentle communication going I have learned that she needs to try and live without me and that she feels she spends too much time at the house and has not made the break she needs. Once we have her set up then there will be a lot less need for her to come here. I went round to the cottage as we needed to work out some sort of schedule. I also decided it was time to gently tell her how I thought. It was a small insight only , and what was more useful was it got her talking and I could listen and learn. It was then she told me that she wanted to realy try and do things on her own , she also admitted not knowing if she was doing the right thing but would never know if she does not try. She cryed a bit and is more aware than me of how its affecting the kids. This is healthy stuff and I have been seeing a much different W from that of the recent past. Interestingly I asked her if the amount of communication we have and time spent together is too much and she said ,no , we dont see each other that much. As I left I got a soft kiss and a pat on the bum , a nice little touch of affection.
In that is the blueprint for the immediate future. Our lives will become more separate and I will let her have that space and try being independent .
I do feel we have started another phase of this journey and I think it will be a time of growing and healing for both of us. I feel good about it because while it comes with some pain its the right way to go for us right now , we will both get the space that we now have both been wanting.
In that is the blueprint for the immediate future. Our lives will become more separate and I will let her have that space and try being independent .
I do feel we have started another phase of this journey and I think it will be a time of growing and healing for both of us. I feel good about it because while it comes with some pain its the right way to go for us right now , we will both get the space that we now have both been wanting.
Dave, Sounds good, really good!
Glad you are both reaching a point of amicable acceptance of the sitch. I am really looking forward to this phase!
Take care, SD.
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
