I don't think I've ever locked up a thread so fast, even when I was posting every 10 minutes in 06!
I must say, you guys have been great. I could not confide my trying to check out to just anyone, and you guys have been great about that. I KNOW you can understand the deep depression that goes with this whole thing. Thanks, Michelle and AG for being so open with me as well. Our WASs may THINK we might check out to get attention, but that wasn't it for me at all. I was so depressed, totally in despair. I didn't care about anything, as sad as that was: me, my job, my kids...nothing. We've had 2 suicides this week here. One gunshot, one overdose! Despair is a horrible thing!
Michelle: Thanks for coming over here from Separated to visit. Once this cable thing gets fixed, I'll visit you guys again. I get 20 minutes on the MWR computer, when I have a full internet that's blocked on my desk!
Hill and Matilda: You are right. I'd rather stay here. Avoidance is a great thing!!! I've got 5 months, but I'd stay for another year, but that won't solve anything.
Mattie, you're right. I've got some GREAT friends here. Although I have some good friend at home, they are all tied up with their families and lives.
If this goes down the drain, I'll be living by myself, close to my kids. They go to bed and I'm not there with them. It is what it is, but it suc*s!
I guess we all worry if love will find us again as well. I know it's too early to think about that, but man, after 22 years, it's tough to think of where to even begin. I was never good at dating to start with. You know how it is...you feel unattractive, stupid (at least I do), like...who the hell would want me. I think that has a lot to do with my recent beat downs.
Hill, I do agree with you that I may have to go "napalm". I'm not lving in a cardboard box. Not this time. I'm not hanging on a cross again to see if "it makes mommy happy". NFW.
I am also changed already. I know I am, and it's for the better. It's given me time to gain back the self-confidence in ME. I think I'm kicking as* here, and that has helped me tremendously.I will not have that for very long when I get home, but my hurt has turned to anger. Not bitterness, but anger.
For all the "wrong" I've supposedly done, I don't believe my FAMILY deserves this treatment from her. My "sins" were not meeting her emotional needs and not taking more initiative in planning family affairs. That's it. No abuse, not infidelity, no substance abuse, good parent (I think) and I ALWAYS LIVE BY MY WORD. That's the anger part. For better or worse, or unless you don't take initiative in planning....WHAT?
I must say again, you all are tremendous human beings. Complete strangers that provide me with support I can't get or do not care to get anywhere else.
OOPS. Cease fire....20 minutes are up! Rank does NOT have its privilege here at the MRW computer
Thank YOU for posting so honestly. You have helped me as well.
You have motivated me to do something about something that I walked away from that I need to go back to - if for no other reason than to retrieve my own identity and be true to myself again. Thank you.
I guess we all worry if love will find us again as well. I know it's too early to think about that, but man, after 22 years, it's tough to think of where to even begin. I was never good at dating to start with. You know how it is...you feel unattractive, stupid (at least I do), like...who the hell would want me. I think that has a lot to do with my recent beat downs.
I know how you feel. I was married for 22 years, with X for 25. I was 17 when I met him. What do I know about adult dating?! I wonder if I will find somneone to love, or someone to love me. I guess that is why the WAS's find their next partner before leaving the first, security. LOL
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I am also changed already. I know I am, and it's for the better. It's given me time to gain back the self-confidence in ME. I think I'm kicking as* here, and that has helped me tremendously.I will not have that for very long when I get home, but my hurt has turned to anger. Not bitterness, but anger.
The changes you are making will continue. I have found that once you start to stand up for yourself with the X, it gets easier and it becomes a part of the way you handle things. When my X said he was done and wanted out I fell apart. I was in school and working part time, but struggling with the overwhelming emotions. Everytime we would talk I would end up in tears. I got stronger and really turned my life around. He tried all kinds of threat tactics through the course of the settlement negotiations; tactics that would have made me give in. But I faced them and didn't give in, and ended up okay. You will do fine. Just keep your goals in sight. In my case I was fighrting for stability for the kids. Everything I did was for them. I think you are thinking the same way, so you will do what you have to do.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Bitterness will consume you, but anger does as Suzy mentioned, it makes us stand up for our rights.
Everything you went through with the depression, feeling as if no one will want you, and questioning what your part was that got you here, are part of this journey and gave you the strength that got you here. Someone told me once that until I got mad I would never be proactive. Now your taking back your life, good for you!
Do what you think is right for you. You can't consider what ex will think or do. She's already got her own agenda. Besides, you're not just doing this for you but also for your kids.
It sounds to me when you talk about coming back to the states it's mostly the fear of the unknown that takes over your brain. Onething I do know is that nothing is as bad as we imagine it will be. Especially once we take back our life!
Bethie
Oh and Suzy can't have that drink until after school. Shame on you Suzy!
If you want to give saving your M one last shot, I would recommend going to see Michele herself. She is in Boulder, Colorado and maintains a private practice. Even if you are not able to save your M, you will be able to leave it with a peace of mind that is priceless. Her rates are very reasonable. I called her office to check on them - they told me not to post the rates here but you can send an emailing to divorcebusting@aol.com and they will send you the information.
She can either see you in person when you return from Iraq or do a phone consult if that is possible.
The DB coaches are fine - but they are NOT Michele. She is head and shoulders above the coaches - the woman is sharp as a whip, has about 20 extra gears in her brain, and does not forget a single detail of what you share!
In my case, The X dropped the bomb over and over again for about 2 years. He is the one that finally filed for the D and I finished it.
I wanted to be able to proceed with the D with a clear conscience so that is why I went to work with Michele herself. I went alone - The X didn't go. Every situation is different. In my cases, the decision or whether to fight to save my M resolved itself in 4 months.
She is different from the book - in a good way. The book is written to sell - her sessions make you work.
My first session was a 90 minute session where she let me complain about The X for 45 minutes and the next 45 minutes were about solutions. She cut me short if I regressed into whining or X bashing - and asked me very directly how exactly how that was relevant to working or saving my M. You may not initially agree with what she asks you to do - but you need to just do it and then you see why after the fact.
The follow up sessions in my case were by phone and were typically 15-20 minutes in duration. She is very intense and focused. She does not waste time getting to the point.
Every session started with questions about how I was doing, whether I was getting out, how I was doing at work, and whether I was exercising. She does not ask you to become a doormat or sacrifice your own boundaries.
I also wanted to add that a couple of weeks before my scheduled face to face session with Michele, I had it with The X and was ready to file for a D myself. I called Michele's office - it was Christmas eve. She called me back herself! I was stunned. She calmed me down and gave me the strength I needed to make it to the scheduled session.
Another person from the BB went to see her and didn't have the strength to follow her instructions and filed for D. Michele is an MC. Good MC's do not take sides. That was tough for this person to stomach - she was looking for someone to validate that the spouse was wrong and she was right. Michele will do that to the extent necessary to give you the strength to do what you need to do.
You are not interested in W bashing. You clearly have the discipline and mindset do what needs to be done - even if it isn't easy. I think you would work well with Michele.
I also asked the person I spoke to if they were seeing the tupes of questions on your thread and they are. You are not alone. I think Michele will be able to give you answers about "why" W is doing some of the things she is doing.
Good luck and let me know if you have any questions for me.
I've got 5 months, but I'd stay for another year, but that won't solve anything. 
