it's a long long road......

[verycrazy]

Well, here I am with having to start a new thread after locking my last one.

It seemed things were going along pretty smoothly for us, even though there were little things, like I found a receipt for three pieces of jewelry my H bought, one for my birthday, one for Christmas, and one for ?????? I don't know if he got that for me for Valentin'e Day, and just put it away for that, or if it's for someone else...

And just the other day, I saw him drive up the road home, and then I heard him go and open MY car door. I knew he was taking our son to practice after awhile, and wondered what he was doing in my car, so when he came in, I greeted him, and then asked was he just in my car, and he said yes, why? I said I heard the car door open. He pulled out his key chain ( and his hands were shaking badly), and said he was looking for his keys, and had taken one part of them off and thought he had left them in my car. I instinctively knew that was NOT true. Our son heard this exchange, and went out without his father knowing it, and looked in the car, where H had put his jacket. He came in and told me that H had a cell phone that was totally different from the one I KNOW he has, it was the secret cell phone that he LIED and said he had given to ow, because ow needed a phone and he didn't want to pay a $200 disconnect fee.

I sat down at the table with H and we talked about this and that, and I brought up R talk, and asked him different questions about us and the way things are supposed to be going with us now. I told him that sometimes I wondered if he was telling the truth about whether ow really did go back to her H. And I asked him when was the last time he spoke to her. He said he would have to sit down and look at the calendar. I said I was just wondering alot of things, like was he possibly telling me one thing to shut me up, and pretending with me all along about things, so he could continue with his deception, and me none the wiser, until the day when as he told ow he would, he just up and walked out on me, when our son is 18. He wanted to know what brought this all on, and I said just some feelings I had.
We talked awhile, and he vented some about the past, and I told him I was committed to te changes I have made.

When he took our son to practice, our son asked his father if he had found his cell phone. Bold of the boy, and he said H was visibly shaken, and said what do you mean. Son said something about his cell phone, the one WE know he has, and H said oh.

This morning, after spending most of yesterday in bed crying and in a blue funk, reading for guidance, I rolled over and put my arm around H and asked if we could renew our vows someday. He said yeah, and I said where would we do it, and he said the backyard, I said who would come? He said I don't know, I don't have any friends. I said yes you do. He does.
Then we were talking about us and He started saying how he was looking back on his life, and it just wasn't where he thought it should be at this age, and how he thought he would have had money to send S to college, and how financially he wasn't where he had wanted to be. He said that life was crap, and then he looks around and sees the people you love dying and getting old, and used my stepfather as an example, he used to be a strong man, a cop, like H, and now he is mostly in bed from a stroke.
I told him that God has a purpose in his life, he said yeah, so He will magically make all his troubles disappear, and I said no, but He will help, and that He is waiting for my H. I will tell you that that is the first time I have ever said anything like that to my H. I have decided to let him know that God loves him and doesn't want him to die in sin. I was nervous about saying it, but I really felt God leadng me to say it. My H asked well what about after you were saved? I thought you would change, and I said well now I have finally decided to let God be in charge of me, instead of me being in charge. I think I gave H something to ponder. I told him that everybody has seen the change in me, our families, the people at church, etc...
He agreed. on this point. Then he got up to get ready for work, and that was that. I will do my best to show him I really mean what I said this morning.

I am having problems with the secret cell phone, and the possibility of buying ow gifts, and the other day I did tell him one of the things I was wondering was if he ever bought me flowers or a piece of jewelry and then bought her one, too, at the same time. I think tis is putting him on notice that if he is hiding anything like that, I am not stupid, and though suspecting isn't knowing, it's still suspecting, and there is a reason for it.

Dang, what a long post, but thanks if you plowed through it!!!

L

[cat03]

hey sweety, was holding my breath while reading your post. Perhaps the cell has old calls log and he didnt' want you to see to get upset or something.

He said that life was crap
===============
that's the same view my H has had for a while, also that he has no life (while we were in c before the crap hit the fan).
I don't know how people live without God, there is so much evil out there people get discouraged often. I also think part of your H's view of life have to do with seeing so much awful stuff at work, it turns people into cynics.
A prayer your way so you can slay that dragon of fear)))))

[verycrazy]

Thanks, cat. I needed that bit of encouragement today.
I just wonder why he feels the need to keep the secret cell phone when he has a perfectly good fairly new one to use.

I started thinking about when the EA began, though I really don't know exactly, but I was thinking about an incident here that I am sure you and your H probably heard about on the news. Three police officers were murdered in June of '04, while serving a warrant. My H got to the scene and was standing over their dead bodies. A news photographer got his picture and put it on the front page. My H has forgotten he gave me that newspaper, but I have kept it. Not even his family or mine knows that the officer standing bowed over the bodies is my H. Also, another cop he knew was killed off-duty, trying to stop a robbery a few yrs ago.
I wonder if that did something really terrible inside of him and that the EA began as a result of it. I do know that they considered the next year a special time, 7-05. I now know that years ago, I don't know how many, he started going downstairs to drink vodka until he passed out, and he said I didn't come to see if he was all right. I only thought he was going downstairs to watch something on tv, and the C I started seeing said he drank vodka, because he didn't WANT me to know, since you can't smell it. I knew he was acting weird, but I didn't think of that being the problem. He would ask me if I hated him, and I would say no, of course not.

I know that his sergeant is a believer, and does not allow bad language or behavior out of the officers in his presence, and my H respects him for this.
This Sunday, we were in church, and we sang the final song, Give Me Thy Heart, and even though we sang all three verses, my H stopped singing after the second one. I looked quickly up at him, and it looked as though his eyes were moist. Wishful thinking? I don't know, but I do know that moved me and made me start to tear up. I just hope so much for his salvation, and pray for it, like I prayed for our S, and he was baptized last May. H did say to me one time that our S being saved and his religious upbringing he commended me for, and I told him thank you, but he also gave moral guidance (I didn't say, before all this mess).

I do have a cold fear inside when I think of ow holding onto him for so long, she has to see that he isn't the same man whom I busted about the EA a year and a half ago. Can they really cling to them forever like this waiting for them to leave us?
That is, if in fact, my H is still contacting and being contacted.

Thanks, cat, it so helps to talk to someone who understands what it's like to be married to a cop. A cop with many issues.

L

[cat03]

How sad, I didn't know about those killings, how terrible he was there and saw it all first hand, I wouldn't doubt that the scene did stay on his mind and left some lingering damage.
What a blessing that your H goes to church! I pray that he lets God heal him and help him.
For all you know ow is onto something else and long forgotten him, you have enough to worry about, today has enough worries hon, don't torture yourself with the what ifs.

[verycrazy]

thanks, cat, I hope he does, too.
he says I am on a campaign, since I told him that God loves him and is waiting for him, and while I am not saying this every day, I really feel I am getting told by God to let him know a little about how my faith is working in me. He sees it, but doesn't trust it, yet.

I hope ow is onto something else, or that she is back with her xh, like my H says she is. I guess it's the sneaking around and the nervousness about the other cell phone possibly being rediscovered.

Oh, cat, how did our lives ever get into such a freaking mess? I would never have dreamed in a million years my life would go in this direction, and being with my H was the first time I really ever felt I was where I belonged.

L

[cat03]

how did our lives ever get into such a freaking mess?

I ask myself the same question hon, I just want normal, to complain because my store stopped carrying my fav brand of xyz, to whine about kids and their mess, what I wouldnt' give for that! for those things to be the core of my unhappiness.

But here we are,wiser and better :P (I hope so!)

[verycrazy]

yeah, I hope so , too. wiser and better. I think I am.

Now I feel that if I want to complain about something the store is out of, I think about all the other stuff going on and drop it, cause it means nothing anymore.

My H when we were talking the other day and I said something about always wondering about things, said he wanted to keep me guessing. I expressed shock and said you want me to be always guessing about ow? And he said no, no, I didn't mean about that, but I guess about I don't really know exactly.

Do you think he would be nervous about being caught in a lie about still having the secret cell phone if he wasn't still contacting ow?

I am coming over to read your thread now, cat.
You have a nice weekend, and thanks, you are a good person

L

[cat03]

perhaps a bad idea, but have you thought asking him if you can see the phone? you'd be able to figure out if it is active or not.
And the guessing statement he made, how odd. Perhaps later on when you know you can talk about it without being defensive you can ask him to elaborate on it.

THanks hon have a great weekend too, fight those gremlins of doubt, give them a good kick for me.

[verycrazy]

cat, I have not asked him to see the phone again since I first found out about it, because he still maintains the lie that he gave it to ow, to pay for and keep till the contract runs out. But as of a few days ago, he still has it and uses it.

It's funny, but several times now when H and I were talking on the phone, or when he was leaving the house, I hesitated about saying ILY, and he would either say it first, or once he said didn't you forget to say something? We were talking the other day, and now I have gotten to where I will bring up something about us, and I will say something about him possibly leaving in a few years, and the other day he said he wasn't going to leave me. but you know, I still don't really trust anything he says after too much lying has gone on. He has even commented on my never trusting him again. Well, if he is nervous about me finding the secret cell phone which I have proof positive he still has, then I still have no reason to trust him.

I guess I just have to act as if I do trust him, and maybe one day I will find that he has become trustworthy again.
One can only hope...

L

[cat03]

so what's his excuse for this new phone your son found?