Battlefield of the mind

[appleroad]

I told him he could stay on the couch since he has to watch d4 in the AM but he said it'd be fine (he lives far), so, that'd be the last time I ever ask he stays, he now knows I don't mind so he's welcome to stay, if not then it is fine too.

Cat, this is perfect. Proceed to the advanced class.

[runningoutoftime]

I will try to stop influencing him in any way.

This is truly the best thing you can do. Any influence can always be interpreted as control or manipulation..... or a "but YOU wanted me to do this" kind of thing... believe me, a confused spouse does not want anyone trying to tell him what to do or influence him. That only pushes them the other way.

Emotionally detach tell him you want him to do what's going to make him happy. Allow whatever he does to be his decision entirely (let him carry that weight!). And you work towards creating a great life for yourself with or without him.

[cat03]

root, I am slowly seeing that I truly I'm somewhat controlling, not because I'm a control freak, but in a futile effort of "keeping" H around/with me. Just realized that there are little things, tons of them, that prob smother H, like when he decides to drive to his place instead of staying w/his mom nearby, I'm just thinking "but it is much closer if you stay w/your mom, you could be saving gas...". He knows this, he isnt' stupid, he even put that up as an alternative when we were laying out the S rules. Me bringing it up just shows how much I want to know where he is and I just feel I have to "suggest" what he should do.
I remember yesterday how H said last month during C how small I make him feel. I dont' blame him, I always think I know the best way to do things and want to be the improvement committee. An art teacher eons ago told me I'm a great problem solver... and that's my problem, I want to solve H's problems too.

*SIgh* I think I can also use this S to still work on our R in that aspect, to respect his decisions and to stop trying to thinks of "better ways" he can do things, to stop treating him like a child about every day tasks.

I just have to recommend you all read "If I'm missing or dead", about this woman who went missing and left a letter pointing to her live-in bf. The writer is her sister who also lived in an abusive R, who rationalizes her H's craziness as love and tries to be "perfect" so her H would love her, how she tried hard to earn his love despite being treated like crap. Lots of great lessons to learn there, not that I see anyone on this part of the board on an abusive R, but there are good lessons on that book we could learn.

Told s9 yesterday, it was weird, I really thought he'd be more upset, I told him how mom and dad needed some time apart to work things out (just like mommy needs "me" time after him and sis go to bed") that it had nothing to do w/him or sis and that dad would still be around. At some point I thought I saw him glassy eyed and he had his lips sucked inwards...then I realized he was trying to stifle a giggle because d4 chimed in loudly "what? that's crazy talk!" He was fine, even a bit miffed that I had to remind him it was family's business and no one had to know (my immediate family) because he said "why would I say anything if I didnt' say anything before?" meaning last time H was away. Perhaps he thinks it will be like last time, that H will come back for sure...

I hope so too, I want that more than anything.

But if not, I know it will be ok and that the kids and I will be fine.

[runningoutoftime]

Yes, I used to be the fixer and problem solver too. That's a very natural role for me as well. But with my husband I've learned it's a role I can no longer take. I have to be more of an equal, or just let things go. This was not an easy role for me to take. It was only FULLY letting go of my marriage (I had to, H kept saying, "Wake up. It's over!!!" and telling my C in front of me, "She just can't get that through her head!!!" And my C turning to me and saying, "Tess... did you hear what he said?") that allowed me to let go, and stop trying to fix everything. There was nothing left to fix. Eventually that actually became a relief!!!!

[Firekeeper]

hi cat, how are you today)

in the beginning of this thread you talked about your realization - "Wow, hadn't realize how far back I'd push my own needs ". i has been w/h just 4 weeks (oh-off) before he went on the business trip but that was also my biggest realization - how easy it was to get back to what i used to do - pushing back my own needs.

h came back partially for his own reasons but also because i was different - i was able to stand up for myself, on my own. you asked me on my thread what is my goal - i want to hold myself strong when i am with him. he likes it and respects it but he fights it, fights tooth and nail any change in our relationship - and it's not an open fight or even conscience sometimes - and its makes it harder.

my heart goes to you because your kids are so young. i admire the way you are going through this. sending you strengths and love)

[LoginName]

Bravo Cat,
It's hard to let people do things there way, when you can see the problems with it, know there is a better way that would make them happier, the job easier, and get it done better. But it's an important lesson.

My guess is your kids will be OK (not that it will be easy for them) because you'll be OK and setting an example.It always bothered me that the MC never wanted to talk about the kids. I'll talk about them with you if you want.

As I said, I bet they'll be fine. If they follow my kids example, they'll act as if nothing at all is wrong. Sometimes I was tempted to sit them down and ask point blank what they thought of the whole situation, but I didn't. I did make it clear every now and then that they could ask or tell me anything and that I was there for them. I also tried hard to Not ask things like "what did mom say, or what was mom doing when you saw her". I tried to leave them there privacy and avoid anything that would make them feel like they were in the middle.

I think my daughter may have talked to her friends and gotten some support there. I think my son kept it all inside, although if her were asked a direct question he would answer it.

If your kids don't act out, grades don't slip, I would recommend leaving them be and not pressing on getting them to talk or open up. That's my 2 cents worth. With inflation, only worth .075 cents today.

[cat03]

thanks guys, kids are fine as pie thank heavens)))))))))))
I let my emotional side have its 2min of omgoshimgoingtomisshim! then I let the rational and down-to-earth side take over 98% of the time, I realize I have to let a bit of stem out so I dont' just explode from not letting any emotions out. So, over all, I'm doing great, God is good, and I have a gold support system here, adn .75 cents too!!! lov you all))))))))))

[JAK58]

I think that is when most of the backsliding happens. it is from all of the pent up emotion that we hold in trying to play happy all of the time and WHAM it hits and watch out!!!

I have backslid once big time and really almost took H'as head off over something that should have been let go but oh well.

No one is perfect (in reality that is).

Glad to have this board thought to vent.

GLad to see your well Cat.

JAK

[cat03]

Thanks Jak
And we live to count another day, something many can't say. My book on cd is over, and this morn I got this gem out of it (she is mourning her H as she divorced him, he was verbally abusive):

"...I will miss having someone to wait for me at the airport, someone to read my articles with me... I want someone to make me feel like I'm enough... 'that has to come from the inside' Vicky says..."

Was supposed to have a dance workout class yesterday (caribbean/belly dancing) they messed up the schedule and I ended up taking the strip tease class, lol! (no, no shedding of clothes) lots of sexy dancing, tee hee, it was fun :), perhaps someday i'll get to use it, but in the meantime it just felt good to do something totally new.

[JAK58]

[/quote]"...I will miss having someone to wait for me at the airport, someone to read my articles with me... I want someone to make me feel like I'm enough... 'that has to come from the inside' Vicky says..."

AMEN! It does have to come from within oneself.

perhaps someday i'll get to use it, but in the meantime it just felt good to do something totally new.[quote]

Strip tease you say. Did they teach you to lap dance? I hear you can make good money doing that.

have a good day.

JAK