Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

NCB and Karen, thanks to you both for your feedback and understanding. It helps a lot, especially in knowing that I'm not completely alone, and that others out there are able to understand why I possibly feel the way I do.

I've tried my hardest and done my best (at least I think so) to not flip the switch, as you say, NCB. I've always told myself that whatever happens, the one thing I do not want to become is bitter and resentful, which I must admit is easier said than done. Sometimes I'm successful at letting things go. Other times, I'm not so good at it.

I have every intention of taking things slow. In fact, H and I both agreed on it, but that seems to have become a bit of an issue. Twice in the last few weeks, H wanted to get sexual. Not exactly my idea of taking it slow. Anyhow, the first time, ok, it happened. The second, I made up an excuse so it wouldn't happen again. I wouldn't necessarily say that I regretted the first time; I just felt like it shouldn't have happened. Way too soon for me, I guess. I felt so.....what are the right words?......unemotionally detached. I remember H kissing me, quite passionately, and as he was leading me down the hallway to the bedroom, I grabbed for the side of a doorframe, thinking I wanted to stop this before we reached the bedroom, but then I let go, reluctantly. I didn't want to disappoint H either, which was the vibe I got from him when I didn't come through the second time, although he said it was ok when I asked if he was mad.

I believe that H wants to take the R slow, but I also believe that he wants sex when he wants it, and then afterwards, he would like to be on his way. Cliche, right? He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. I don't like that feeling of being used when two years ago he did it to me before. Once, after we S'ed, H came over after being away on business, and we ended up having sex. During a later talk, H admitted he used me because he "was horny". I was so disgusted with him, and probably even more with myself, and never let him touch me again after that, until a few weeks ago. Again, reluctantly.

Anyway.

As for talking with H about the possibility of using ADs - it's not likely to happen. Several times I have tried talking to him about it (counseling, too), but he just will not agree to it. He will not. H has always been a person who does what he wants, when he wants, however he wants, and no one is going to advise or tell him otherwise. He'll listen to what you have to say and thank you for it. He'll acknowledge your point of view or tell you that you're a complete idiot, but either way, he's still going to go about things his own way.

This weekend was a prime example of just that! I'm out of time for now, so I'll write about it later.

Thanks again for your replies!