I am okay posting it. In fact I would love to hear others take on it as a way of checking myself. I have to go the C this morning and need to go through it first and remove people's names as I don't think it is fair to post the names of people involved.
So later today I will get it together.
Tipper,
Second time? Ouch I don't know if I could do this twice. It is a relief to not walk on eggshells. Feeling good about ourselves is the goal here and not something we should ever regret. In fact for many of us it is long overdue.
Short, whenever you speak about your childhood, you speak of mine also. I am beginning to understand the ramifications of having grown up as we did.
I have come to realize that I have no real sense of self worth. I know that growing up, I tried so hard to be good, so that my Mom maybe wouldnt take that dring that day. And then she did. So I wasnt good enough, ANd now I realize that I allowed my H to do make me feel that way too. I know, DB says no one can make us feel one way or another, we are in charge of how we feel. So maybe a better way to say it it that I allowed his actions to make me feel inadequate. And that brough back feelings of not being good enough.
So, I am trying to find my self worth. That is the hard part for me. But I know that I can no longer look to h to validate me. I need to do that for myself.
we are in charge of how we feel. So maybe a better way to say it it that I allowed his actions to make me feel inadequate.
Yes to the first part. We are in charge of how we feel. The second part almost. Yes you allowed it. You allowed yourself to feel bad, not his actions to make you feel. No one can make you feel. You feel what you feel.
You are reacting another to another's actions...but you are the one reacting. Another person might react to the same actions in a completely different way. It is why everyone says stop focusing on your H (or his actions) and focus on yourself. Why are you reacting or feeling what you feel? It is in you. The answer is in you.
This is to the point of absurd..but think of this. Another woman who found out that her H was having an affair might think to herself...fantastic, now I don't have to worry about his stupid need for sex day in and out. Great! Have fun. Sounds silly, but just based on human nature being what it is there is someone out there who would react that way. There are cultures where multiple wives are common. Not for me...but I don't judge.
So it all comes back to you. What works for you. What feels right for you. The common side effect of abuse is we allow others to hurt us because it works for us. It is a coping skill. As a child I knew I had only two choices, endure and adjust my behavior according or leave. At the age of 5 or 10 leaving was not a viable option. Adjusting my behavior to please others keep me alive and feed.
As an adult the pattern remained. But it is not necessary as an adult. I can provide for myself...I just didn't belief it..even though I had done it. I convinced myself that I had to please my H in ways that hurt me in order for him to love me or stay with me. Is that really love? Is that a marriage anyone would want?
So yes as RCR said so well to me..look inside. Work on you. Why do you feel you deserve less than a honest, caring, marriage of two responsible adults. I don't think you do.
A while ago I walked into my C office and said I am tired of being a victim, I no longer wish to talk about what my H did to me. I want to talk about what I am doing.
Simple, but huge. So here's the trick. Every time you think or say he made me to yourself, change that to I am.
So H made me feel bad when he lied, becomes I feel bad when my H lies. In the first part, if you believe your H made you feel bad the only solution is to change him..get him to stop lying. We can not change others..can't be done. So you are stuck feeling bad..unless he changes.
However, If you say I feel bad when H lies. You can change you. H can lie forever, but you can say..I will stop listening. I don't don't want to hear lies. You can put your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LA..done. Up to me. Stop listening. H is not changing you are. You do know when someone is honest. Listen to the truth, ignore the lies.
This is a small example. But if you begin replacing every he made me with I, your thinking and actions with follow. Its called taking care of and responsibility for me.
Here is the email. I have left in her spelling errors and lack of shift key function..
I will post my view second.
Short, ive wanted to write to you for a while and i figured for a while that it would be wrong i dont know if it is or not. i figured you heard a lot about me from other people and may have your own personal opinions, but i figured id give it shot and let you know my side told by me.
i first want apologize about saying horrible things way back that emotionally charged night i came to your house. i was in the midst of being a [censored] up wreck. there many things im sorry for and empathetic about. i am a person like anyone else in this world, with my shares of kindness and compassion, generosity and selfishness, self loathing and personal respect , anger and fear, confusion and clarity. between the time years ago when i first met (H) and you to the moment he first approached me romantically i never had any kind of romantic thought or fantasy about (H) although i belive people are allowed to have there fantasys. acting on them impulsively is another story.
as i know you know, the day (N) left me my life fell apart, my heart fell apart, and frankly i didnt know how i would survive, without family close bye and 3 year old twins, and very few friends. i was in shock, post traumatic stress, with no food, sleep and a bloody legal battle plus my best friend becoming estranged. i was flying family out to help me and pretty much overwhelmed with a feeling of being dead while having to be present for two chimpanzees. the last thing on my mind was dating, having sex, or getting involved with a person who was in a significant relationship. (H)had made a couple attempts to hook up with me and invited me over for lunch. i wasnt in a place to be scrutinizing, sensible or focused.
it was like my brain had been crushed and i was being asked to think. the only thing i could hold together in the midst of a bad situation for my children, was being a safe mom. i was crushed and needed someone ( mommy preferably ) to hold my broken parts and (H) came to me in the lowest moment of my life. i had always liked (H) and thought he was a charming and weird friend, i had always liked you. i was a perfect candidate, anyone could have scraped me off the side walk. the shocking thing that happened though is that we bonded on some level instantly ( not just physically ) and it was hard to deny. a lot of things where said on both our parts. i felt i was in love with (H), and shortly after the tryst began i pesterd him about telling you and even going to therapy to try and work it out. we preceded to see each other break up back and forth. it was [censored] torture for a number of reasons. one being i was and still in love with (N)..... now out of the in love......but i do love him dearly and i want the best for him, i know he's suffering. still our sitation is gut renching cause of having 2 young children who question, want there mommy and daddy together again, and i did let (N) know numerous times i would have tried again with him. its different now. as you know, my finances suck, but i wanted you to know i belive your and (H) finances are none of my buisness, i will say my belief that things should be split up at least fifty with some extra cushioning for the one whos been left .
i have always felt responsible for my own finances and still feel that way, im in a much more challenged situation and am starting a buisness with a friend to make sure i dont have to rely on anyone. i have worked my whole life ( except when i started trying to get pregnant ) never made alot, but it was mine.
my intention is not to live off (H) and thats not whats happening.
i wish (N) girlfriend had liked me i wanted my kids to see we could all be around eachother and regardless of our faults we could share the loving kind respectfullness of eachother. (N) needed to leave me....i know why, i dont know why. but he did it. i love him im angry and hurt.
(H) is very dear to me, i bonded with him very deeply and i want to care for him, he's my friend and i love him. thats how i feel about my friends, all of them. (H) is special to my heart. i still [censored] up. i work on getting better and except the stumblings of my peers.
i hear things through the grapevine (other grapevines besides (H) ) about what you think of me if your angry at me or hate me im sorry,
i dont know if you wanted any of the information i shared with you... and if i invaded your space and pissed you off, im sorry for that i cant imagine what this personally has felt like for you but i do know it sucks
Short, ive wanted to write to you for a while and i figured for a while that it would be wrong i dont know if it is or not. i figured you heard a lot about me from other people
and may have your own personal opinions, but i figured id give it shot and let you know my side told by me.
Wants to explain, justify, or defend her actions.
i first want apologize about saying horrible things way back that emotionally charged night i came to your house.
This is the night my H wrote her a NC letter and she came and tried to break all our windows to get at him. Notice no I am sorry for coming to your home or the affair.
i was in the midst of being a [censored] up wreck. there many things im sorry for and empathetic about. Like what?? will she say it?? Guess not.
i am a person like anyone else in this world, with my shares of kindness and compassion, generosity and selfishness, self loathing and personal respect , anger and fear, confusion and clarity.
Not all of us have affairs though.
between the time years ago when i first met (H) and you to the moment he first approached me romantically i never had any kind of romantic thought or fantasy about (H) although i belive people are allowed to have there fantasys. acting on them impulsively is another story.
I see, but you acted anyway..or are you saying it was planned and not impulsive?
as i know you know, the day (N) left me my life fell apart, my heart fell apart, and frankly i didnt know how i would survive, without family close bye and 3 year old twins, and very few friends. i was in shock, post traumatic stress, with no food, sleep and a bloody legal battle plus my best friend becoming estranged. i was flying family out to help me and pretty much overwhelmed with a feeling of being dead while having to be present for two chimpanzees.
Interesting way to think of your children.
the last thing on my mind was dating, having sex, or getting involved with a person who was in a significant relationship. Try married man
(H)had made a couple attempts to hook up with me and invited me over for lunch. i wasnt in a place to be scrutinizing, sensible or focused. So we are blaming my H now..not that he is innocent, but then either are you.
it was like my brain had been crushed and i was being asked to think. the only thing i could hold together in the midst of a bad situation for my children, was being a safe mom. i was crushed and needed someone ( mommy preferably ) to hold my broken parts and (H) came to me in the lowest moment of my life. i had always liked (H) and thought he was a charming and weird friend, i had always liked you. i was a perfect candidate, anyone could have scraped me off the side walk.
Love this..couldn't care less who it was..any warm body will do. Lets see break up a marriage and who cares who's it is. Oh but I forgot none of this is your responsibility due to your pain.
the shocking thing that happened though is that we bonded on some level instantly ( not just physically ) and it was hard to deny. a lot of things where said on both our parts. i felt i was in love with (H), and shortly after the tryst began i pesterd him about telling you and even going to therapy to try and work it out.
By stalking him, 500 email, phone calls every hour, etc. Hmmm. How about saying no, I respect myself and your wife. Opps
we preceded to see each other break up back and forth. it was [censored] torture for a number of reasons. one being i was and still in love with (N)..... now out of the in love......but i do love him dearly and i want the best for him, i know he's suffering. still our sitation is gut renching cause of having 2 young children who question, want there mommy and daddy together again, and i did let (N) know numerous times i would have tried again with him.
Oh I see having an affair with a married man a few months later really says I want to work it out.
its different now. Yes you have (H) and (N) hates you for it.
as you know, my finances suck, but i wanted you to know i belive your and (H) finances are none of my buisness, But I will make it my business now. i will say my belief that things should be split up at least fifty with some extra cushioning for the one whos been left .
i have always felt responsible for my own finances and still feel that way, im in a much more challenged situation and am starting a buisness with a friend to make sure i dont have to rely on anyone. i have worked my whole life ( except when i started trying to get pregnant ) never made alot, but it was mine.
my intention is not to live off (H) and thats not whats happening. Well actually it is.
i wish (N) girlfriend had liked me (read please like me so I can not feel guilty.)
i wanted my kids to see we could all be around eachother and regardless of our faults we could share the loving kind respectfullness of eachother. (N) needed to leave me....i know why, i dont know why. but he did it. i love him im angry and hurt.
Perhaps the big problem here..never resolved your own relationship?
(H) is very dear to me, i bonded with him very deeply and i want to care for him, he's my friend and i love him. thats how i feel about my friends, all of them. (H) is special to my heart. i still [censored] up. i work on getting better and except the stumblings of my peers. What peers?? other OW? Working hard..ending the affair??
i hear things through the grapevine (other grapevines besides (H) ) about what you think of me if your angry at me or hate me im sorry, Sorry for what you have done or sorry I might hate you?
i dont know if you wanted any of the information i shared with you... and if i invaded your space and pissed you off, im sorry for that i cant imagine what this personally has felt like for you
Let's see you just spent most of this letter telling me the pain you felt, no doubt real, but then used it to justify hurting someone else in the same way, now you can't imagine...??
Thank you and back to you. Getting that email was very upsetting at first and took many deep breaths not to reply. But it is an insight into a person who is not a monster or demon, but quite unaware of her own actions. Its sad really, because I do think that she loves her ex(N). However, she has managed to make a bad sitch 100 times worse.
The person her ex is with is 23 and has already moved out and in many times and the relationship is a mess. So maybe had she come here instead of my bedroom, who knows she might have saved her relationship. Her ex did want to come back (or so he has said to friends) but could not take her anger and hurt. Once he knew about her and my H that was it for him. It has been a lesson to me in all this to watch first hand how important it is to own our own pain and address our own issues.
I don't know if my H will stay with her. He is still clinging to the relationship and it may work for him on some level. Both of them blame the world for everything and validate each other in that blame. Well, not my idea of a good life...my path is elsewhere right now.
