SirPrizeMe and LeighS, I thought of you when this happened today :
Sent a part of Michelle's book to my C, translated by me of course. I don't know how good of a jod I did, but she called furious to tell me that I shouldn't be reading this kind of staff. It was the part about why not to divorce your spouse. She said it sounded scary, and almost an attempt to mentally blackmail the one who reads it, to not think of divorce even if they are unhappy...
Well, I knew she would be like this. I think she is upset that a book could help me turn around my attitude so much and not her. But I did it by myself (I know I may sound arrogant but it is the truth). I was very lucky to find the DB books after I was sober enough to be able to see that what I was doing matched Michelle's philosophy.
I went to her when I was falling appart, the first month after he left, I asked her to help me get "closure". I was desperate and sure he was not coming back. She tried to tell me he is no good (in a subtle way). She kept telling me of course like Michelle says, to focus on me and maybe that's a little boost I owe to her. But I am seeing her now for other reasons that are very clear in my head. Not directly associated with my M but If I get them out of the way it will help in the future. At least she is not against the possibility of a reconciliation with my H. I am glad he talked to her beacuse I believe she thought I had lost my marbles when I mentioned that, a week earlier. She thought I "was seeing" things... I may need to ask Michelle if she knows anyone here (!!!)to recommend to me. --------
A couple of friends here, told me before, they were excited my DB seems to be working fast. It didn 't. After reading so many stories on this site I realised that I have being trying to detach for months but wasn't able to because it was too soon and he was giving me all the mixed signals.
I've mentioned it before elsewhere I believe, I've had suspicion, clear indication better said, of an OW, dealt with his anger, his re-writing of our history, moods, Hoodini's acts, lies,hidden mobile phones, etc. etc. I dealt with me all this time and I was beating myself up really hard. "Everything was my mistake". I felt as if I were a horrible person. Mean, ugly, vicious you name it. I had to deal with my kids at the same time and did so many 180 turns that always brought me back at the same spot. So much anger, resentment, failed efforts to revenge him, etc. etc. I tried so hard to explain to him that our M was worth a try, to rationalise everything, to bring back loving memories (wedding picture albums-it's in the book not to do that), used the kids, our friends, wrote letters, was going dark for a day or two, was caring the next day, nothing worked. I just wish I knew then what I know now...
When I found the site, I was ready to do anything to take it further because my change of attitude was immediately noticed by him (but I am one of those people that kids are a bond that gives you the chance to show the changes quickly). I had already a proof in my hands that it works and I could trust the philosophy, no doubts and..., I had no other option since I wanted him in my life. As a great UK therapist emailed me back then "you are at the make it or break it point, be generous...".
I am now at a point, where the book and you guys, your stories and advice help me the most. It's pretty simple :patience and reinventing our better selves. It's the hardest part of all. I am reading and re-reading how we all struggle to let time do most of the work for us and in parallel investing in our good qualities and letting go of the destructive manners and attitudes towards life itself.
The best part of it all is that very often the last few days, I have people coming up to me telling me I look great,sweeter, the don't see the misery in my eyes anymore, I remind them of the girl they used to know, my kids think I am the best mom of the world and I believe I am OK. That's the best reward for all the s$$$ I've been through the last year (is it? nearly).
I don't know what is going to happen, I do not know If I'll make it to "piecing", I have lost my trust to him completely, but I have regained my trust to myself and I KNOW, that I will be able to deal with whatever comes my way. I may not like it, I may feel really sad and down, miss him like crazy, feel hopeless again from time to time but in the end I will be fine.
Just felt I wanted to share these thoughts with you. I can't promise there won't be more coming, but I had to today, mainly because I see what Alie (and others) are going through the last few days and I still feel the pain and the sadness, thankfully not the anger and the fear anymore. (((ALIE)))
Take care all,
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Kalni
PS My close friends are relieved because ever since I found this site, I don't go through every little detail with them anymore. I know they are so tired of me..
