Short, ive wanted to write to you for a while and i figured for a while that it would be wrong i dont know if it is or not. i figured you heard a lot about me from other people
and may have your own personal opinions, but i figured id give it shot and let you know my side told by me.
Wants to explain, justify, or defend her actions.
i first want apologize about saying horrible things way back that emotionally charged night i came to your house.
This is the night my H wrote her a NC letter and she came and tried to break all our windows to get at him. Notice no I am sorry for coming to your home or the affair.
i was in the midst of being a [censored] up wreck. there many things im sorry for and empathetic about. Like what?? will she say it?? Guess not.
i am a person like anyone else in this world, with my shares of kindness and compassion, generosity and selfishness, self loathing and personal respect , anger and fear, confusion and clarity.
Not all of us have affairs though.
between the time years ago when i first met (H) and you to the moment he first approached me romantically i never had any kind of romantic thought or fantasy about (H) although i belive people are allowed to have there fantasys. acting on them impulsively is another story.
I see, but you acted anyway..or are you saying it was planned and not impulsive?
as i know you know, the day (N) left me my life fell apart, my heart fell apart, and frankly i didnt know how i would survive, without family close bye and 3 year old twins, and very few friends. i was in shock, post traumatic stress, with no food, sleep and a bloody legal battle plus my best friend becoming estranged. i was flying family out to help me and pretty much overwhelmed with a feeling of being dead while having to be present for two chimpanzees.
Interesting way to think of your children.
the last thing on my mind was dating, having sex, or getting involved with a person who was in a significant relationship. Try married man
(H)had made a couple attempts to hook up with me and invited me over for lunch. i wasnt in a place to be scrutinizing, sensible or focused. So we are blaming my H now..not that he is innocent, but then either are you.
it was like my brain had been crushed and i was being asked to think. the only thing i could hold together in the midst of a bad situation for my children, was being a safe mom. i was crushed and needed someone ( mommy preferably ) to hold my broken parts and (H) came to me in the lowest moment of my life. i had always liked (H) and thought he was a charming and weird friend, i had always liked you. i was a perfect candidate, anyone could have scraped me off the side walk.
Love this..couldn't care less who it was..any warm body will do. Lets see break up a marriage and who cares who's it is. Oh but I forgot none of this is your responsibility due to your pain.
the shocking thing that happened though is that we bonded on some level instantly ( not just physically ) and it was hard to deny. a lot of things where said on both our parts. i felt i was in love with (H), and shortly after the tryst began i pesterd him about telling you and even going to therapy to try and work it out.
By stalking him, 500 email, phone calls every hour, etc. Hmmm. How about saying no, I respect myself and your wife. Opps
we preceded to see each other break up back and forth. it was [censored] torture for a number of reasons. one being i was and still in love with (N)..... now out of the in love......but i do love him dearly and i want the best for him, i know he's suffering. still our sitation is gut renching cause of having 2 young children who question, want there mommy and daddy together again, and i did let (N) know numerous times i would have tried again with him.
Oh I see having an affair with a married man a few months later really says I want to work it out.
its different now. Yes you have (H) and (N) hates you for it.
as you know, my finances suck, but i wanted you to know i belive your and (H) finances are none of my buisness, But I will make it my business now. i will say my belief that things should be split up at least fifty with some extra cushioning for the one whos been left .
i have always felt responsible for my own finances and still feel that way, im in a much more challenged situation and am starting a buisness with a friend to make sure i dont have to rely on anyone. i have worked my whole life ( except when i started trying to get pregnant ) never made alot, but it was mine.
my intention is not to live off (H) and thats not whats happening. Well actually it is.
i wish (N) girlfriend had liked me (read please like me so I can not feel guilty.)
i wanted my kids to see we could all be around eachother and regardless of our faults we could share the loving kind respectfullness of eachother. (N) needed to leave me....i know why, i dont know why. but he did it. i love him im angry and hurt.
Perhaps the big problem here..never resolved your own relationship?
(H) is very dear to me, i bonded with him very deeply and i want to care for him, he's my friend and i love him. thats how i feel about my friends, all of them. (H) is special to my heart. i still [censored] up. i work on getting better and except the stumblings of my peers. What peers?? other OW? Working hard..ending the affair??
i hear things through the grapevine (other grapevines besides (H) ) about what you think of me if your angry at me or hate me im sorry, Sorry for what you have done or sorry I might hate you?
i dont know if you wanted any of the information i shared with you... and if i invaded your space and pissed you off, im sorry for that i cant imagine what this personally has felt like for you
Let's see you just spent most of this letter telling me the pain you felt, no doubt real, but then used it to justify hurting someone else in the same way, now you can't imagine...??
