we are in charge of how we feel. So maybe a better way to say it it that I allowed his actions to make me feel inadequate.
Yes to the first part. We are in charge of how we feel. The second part almost. Yes you allowed it. You allowed yourself to feel bad, not his actions to make you feel. No one can make you feel. You feel what you feel.
You are reacting another to another's actions...but you are the one reacting. Another person might react to the same actions in a completely different way. It is why everyone says stop focusing on your H (or his actions) and focus on yourself. Why are you reacting or feeling what you feel? It is in you. The answer is in you.
This is to the point of absurd..but think of this. Another woman who found out that her H was having an affair might think to herself...fantastic, now I don't have to worry about his stupid need for sex day in and out. Great! Have fun. Sounds silly, but just based on human nature being what it is there is someone out there who would react that way. There are cultures where multiple wives are common. Not for me...but I don't judge.
So it all comes back to you. What works for you. What feels right for you. The common side effect of abuse is we allow others to hurt us because it works for us. It is a coping skill. As a child I knew I had only two choices, endure and adjust my behavior according or leave. At the age of 5 or 10 leaving was not a viable option. Adjusting my behavior to please others keep me alive and feed.
As an adult the pattern remained. But it is not necessary as an adult. I can provide for myself...I just didn't belief it..even though I had done it. I convinced myself that I had to please my H in ways that hurt me in order for him to love me or stay with me. Is that really love? Is that a marriage anyone would want?
So yes as RCR said so well to me..look inside. Work on you. Why do you feel you deserve less than a honest, caring, marriage of two responsible adults. I don't think you do.
