She's ready to move on

[Dr LOve]

If I'm not mistaken your H did exactly as you say at a point where things were not running smoothly. In other words, I almost wish W and I could have a blow up so I can accomplish this without it seeming like it's coming out of the blue.

But maybe that's too weak of an approach. My BIL and I had this same discussion over the weekend. I told him that I just don't know how to stop "being a husband". How do I pull the rug out from under her when there are no strong outward signs that it's necessary?

It seems I've become too comfortable with the present sitch as well...

MMC,

I tell ya I think you are that little voice in my head.. I could have written the same exact thing... this is also how I feel. wow we are a pair huh?..

But unforunatly I think Mom is right..

Dr Love

[hopeforfuture]

This is weird, but here goes...

I think I'm familiar with Mom's sitch also.

Michael and Husband,
Both of you have been saying for awhile that you are comfortable with moving on and that your W's have resolved that divorce is the only alternative and that they are not willing to work on the M. This was my situation also. Tell the W's that you don't want to continue living in this limbo land. You are willing and ready to give the marriage a chance and do whatever it takes to fix things, but it is time to move forward. Either work on fixing it or work on ending it. Offer the Retro weekend as an option. Don't offer it as a miracle cure, but as a means to improve communication between the two of you. Explain that you need this whether you stay together or not. Offer to maintain the status quo until after the weekend and then revisit the situation. If the W's are unwilling to make this compromise, then pay a visit to you lawyer and get the paperwork rolling. I can't say if this will get the desired results, but it will get things moving again. If you are truly willing to move on, then there is nothing lost if it the W's are not willing to compromise. You have both gone over and above what most would be willing to do to save the marriage, so you can't fault yourselves for not trying.

I also think that having it 'come out of the blue' adds to shock value and might help to snap them back to reality.

Good Luck,

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

So you figured me out huh?

Double date sounds good, could share some thoughts with each other....half kidding...

IMHO i think patience and waiting for her to make the move is not the best idea. You don't want to pull the rug and I get that(you sound a lot like my H) but you need to think of yourself too. Listen to me...a month ago I would have been justifying your W's actions.

I don't hinkyou need to have a blow up, just tell her your tired of lving this way, you want to move on and if it's going to be without her, then so be it.

Sorry I don't remember - do you have kids?

[Michael Mc C]

Telling her flat out is probably the best way, lay it all out on the table. Honestly, she hasn't retracted any comments regarding the need for a divorce so this issue, although "quiet" for the time being, is still open and active.

3 kids: D13, D11 and S8

Thank you for the advice!

Can you share any insight into Retro? I think I'm mostly interested in your perspective (what were your thoughts and expectations going in? was there any part of it that was more rewarding than you expected? have you and your H continued with the follow-up sessions?)

Thanks again

[Dr LOve]

MMC and I differ here,

My W has not said she wants a D.

one son at home 11 next month

Husband

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

I honestly went into it not expecting much. I had origianlly agreed to going simply so my H would agree to use a mediator. Then I figured that at the very least I would learn something about myself. So we went and listened and did what they said. I put my all into is and something just happened, I'm not sure what it was.

Just talking to H and truly reflecting on what I was feeling opened things up for me. The exercises were not at all what i expected them to be - but they were fun and interesting. It was good to be focusin gon jsut the two of us, no kids, no normal weekend activities, etc. Now - they are Definitely open to people of ANY religious faith, but it is "backed" by the catholic church - at least our group was. No one is ever asked to convert or partake in any catholic rituals, but there is discussion around the part god plays in our lives or i should say the part god has played int eh lives of those doing the talks, etc.

The whole program just gives you the tools to really connect with your spouse on a different level. We have done two of the four follow up sessions so far. It is great because you are reminded of the tools that you learned on the weekend, new topics are introduced and you are given ways to deal with conflict, etc. You learn alot about yourself and about your spouse. There is lots of support, the presenting couples make themselves available to you at ANY TIME for ANYTHING. They give you their email address and home phone numbers. They really are great people. I would whole heartedly recommend the program.

[hopeforfuture]

I have to agree with everything Mom of 2 posted here, but also wanted to add something. On the second day, one of the presenting couples gave a history of their situation where the H was the WAS. He was brutally honest about everything that happened and there were many parallels between their situation and ours. Difference was that his R with OW lasted much longer and they were physically separated for a long period of time. As difficult as our situation was / is, that speech gave us hope for our relationship. They were able to repair their relationship and are now closer than ever and have a wonderful marriage. Hearing the issues of the presenting couples and seeing the success stories is truly inspiring and motivational.

[Michael Mc C]

Agree completely that Retro will be beneficial to us and to the family as a whole, regardless of how things pan out. I'm also putting a lot of thought into Mom's comments about getting things moving here. I have heard the same recommendation from many people. I have begun detaching more which seems to be a little easier now that I see things from Mom's perspective (thanks Mom of 2 Cherubs!)

Something interesting over the past 2 nights... W and I are slowly building some tension it seems. This is the "good" kind of tension and it builds just after going to bed. Don't want to get into too many details but there is a lot of NON-sexual contact, although I would still consider it intimate. Hell, at this point a handshake from her seems intimate!

I know my wife pretty well so I have been fairly certain that she has been aware of this contact (based on things like her seeking my feet when I move them, her making herself more "available" by turning towards me after I pull away from her and, the big one, her increased heart rate and breathing once I put my arm around her or lay my hand on her side/hip/arm.

I wasn't 100% sure that she had been awake during this until this morning (this feels so much like a test).

Me: You and the dog kept me up last night.
Her: It was the dog. I didn't do anything.
Me: You were sleeping, how do you know if you did anything or not?
Her: I wasn't sleeping. You kept me up all night AGAIN.
Me: Well, stop throwing your body at me and let me sleep!
Her: <very sly grin...> I'm not throwing anything. You keep trying to cuddle.
Me: No way.
Her: You're probably sleeping when you do it.
Me: We should stop talking about this or we'll ruin the fun for tonight.
Her: <another sly grin, some blushing and she left my office>

Anyway, both nights I have been very careful not to cross any lines, not to make a big deal out of it and not to make myself too accomodating (mostly because I could be wrong...) I told her a while ago that she would need to pursue me if anything happened to change. She definitely seems to be pursuing something.

It is a delicate balance though. I don't want to seem overly eager but I also don't want to appear uninterested or unaffected. My m.o. at this point is to reciprocate and pull away. I have no clue where this is really going to lead but I can honestly say that getting only 3 hours of sleep these past 2 nights has been well worth it. God, just the quickening of her pulse and the speed and depth of her breathing have been worth it!

I'd better stop thinking about this now...

[Dr LOve]

WOw,MMC.

you are doing great..... I have slept my myself now for8 months.. I know what ya mean by the handshake but bubbing feet??? that even gets me hot.......
be my insparation big guy... I really do belive that My W lack of a job is a big part of our.problem. Thanks for the reply on my sitch.... Please comment when ever possible you seem to be headed down the right path at this time....
Hey My W acutaly came out side today and looked at the tree house I am building... baby steps....

8 more day till Vegas

Husband

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

So...MMC...

what's going on? Any mention of retro to W? How are things going?