Used To The Pain

[NoCodeBlues]

Okay, spying is not good. But I think it is time I hire a PI.

I just can't stand still and watch my W lie to my face while she continues with her plans to replace me as my S's father. W swears there is no PA and that they're just friends, and tells me there is no chance therefore that she would ever remarry or have another father-figure in my S's lives. She won't even acknowledge the EA.

She doesn't know the extent of the evidence I have against her on the EA. And something just came up that urges me to get intel on the PA. So I have asked a paralegal friend for a referral on a PI.

[NikB]

Are you in a state where they care about infidelity?? (I know most don't but a few actually do).

If not, I think you're just hurting yourself obsessing over the A.

[LL44]

I think Nocode is obsessing (with due right) about his sons and their emotional well being. We all have obsessed about the A from time to time (I am waving here!!), and it can still pop up and hurt us especially when we are being told its not happening when clearly it still is.

I think nocode has shifted his focus to the boys, and not wanting them exposed to anything negative, not wanting to be 'replaced' as a father, not wanting them used as pawns, not wanting poison spewed into those innocent ears. I believe the PI is basically for his sons' sake, not to save his M.

NikB, I hope I didn't offend you at all.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Nik,

No, NC is no-fault as far as D goes. The evidence would not have any direct bearing on the D settlement, and I don't expect it will change W's actions with regards to the A, but I believe it will have sway on getting my WAW to back down on the custody situation. She's been in the denial mode for so long now that she takes the opposite extreme, blaming me entirely for the harm being done to our family.

I feel I need to build a case now for what I call the "nuclear option". I need to arm myself with enough intel on the PA, for the sake of my relationship with my S's. I really don't want to have to launch this mutually destructive option, but if my W keeps progressing in the direction she's headed, which is to move away with the OM and take my S's one or more hours away, she will thus effectively negate my demand for joint physical custody (50-50). W continues to ignore me when I tell her she really needs to make sure that I, as our S's father, am (at least) included in any such decision regarding our children. But she just continues right along with her "dream" plans.

This could get pretty ugly and I don't want to go there, but having the option beats not having the option.

[NikB]

lwb - not at all! I've done my own share of obsessing about it, believe me.

NCB
Hmm.. I hope you're right. Your W is acting SO illogically that I wonder if having "evidence" of the PA will make any difference in her behavior anyway (if the courts there don't care... I know they don't around here unless the OP is a danger to the kids.. makes me sick). If there's a chance that the courts will actually care it may be worthwhile though.

I hope you're keeping track of the times your W voluntarily brings the kids over - definitely helps dispute any claims that she thinks you're an "unfit" parent.

On the custody - does your state favor the 50/50 arrangement? I hope so!! Can you put a mileage "limit" into the sep/D agreement? I know I've seen that around here before (not just "across state lines," but rules about the city and/or school district that the kids have to remain in).

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, Lwb,

Yes, you see it correctly.

This action will likely be very damaging to my hopes of saving my M, maybe even putting the final nail in its coffin, I realize that.

But weighed against the interests of my S's, I have to come down on the side of my S's before that of my M. The sad truth is that my S's are facing the loss of their family; that's bad enough -- they don't need to also suffer the loss of their father too.

And, yes, Nik, I can see that I am obsessing.

[NikB]

NCB - understandable, it's easy to do!

I'm just thinking, it makes sense to be sure that the time/effort/energy actually WILL do anything to help your case with your S's. Will having evidence about the A do anything (legally speaking) for your custody case?

Apologies if you mentioned this before - I've read through some of your older posts but not all of them. Have you talked to your L about the best things to do to help ensure you get 50% custody? (besides, of course, continuing to be the best Dad you can be!)

[NoCodeBlues]

Will having evidence about the A do anything (legally speaking) for your custody case?

Legally, no -- not for a D at least. But then there is the fact that this state still has laws against Alienation of Affection and against Criminal Conversation. They're long-shots now-of-days, but still something to consider. Will my WAW risk a "criminal" record in her attempt to push me out of our S's lives? Will she risk financial ruin?

[fightingirish]

Nocodes,

You need to do what you think is best. If I were you I would be doing the same thing. You have to try and protect yourself and your boys..

As far as her risking these things, who knows, in the state of mind she's in anything is possible, and they are not thinking clearly.

tal

[NikB]

But then there is the fact that this state still has laws against Alienation of Affection and against Criminal Conversation.

Ahh good to know - sounds like you might have at least some faint chance of the "proof" helping your custody case.

I remember looking up some laws in one state and you could actually (successfully, even lately) sue the OP. I was really surprised! In a lot of ways I bet that threat is even more effective.. too bad that option's not available everywhere.