No major changes, but let me update as I've been away for a few days.
I truly believed H was in some kind of funk he couldn't help, and I am always struck with the fact that he doesn't really have guy friends that he hangs out with and talks to, other than work chit chat. He has a friend who lives a few hours away and I suggested he go visit for the weekend, which he did. A bit of drama on his way out the door, because our 1.5 year old son was sick and sounding wheezy and (to save money) a friend was going to give us an extra humidifier, so I wanted to pick it up asap. I was on the phone with the friend making the arrangements and he tried to just wave goodbye and leave like that. I said, "can you hang on just a second so you can say goodbye to me?!" He said "I meant to leave 24 min ago!" It was 9:24. Friend said I'll talk to you later (don't blame her - I apologized later.) Then I said I'd like you to go pick it up so we have it asap. He sounds like he has bronchitis. He replied with "what, you aren't leaving the house today?" I said I would have to feed them breakfast, bundle the kids up, then take them to this play place (business she just opened) and explain we're not staying to play. Couldn't he just run and get it so we could be done with it?! He did, but acted a bit put out which exasperated me.
He had a busy weekend with the friend, (recently engaged) working outside. He called once or twice, I was sick and son was sick, so not much to say. He came home Sun night after both kids were in bed. He had said before he left that he had been thinking about everything a lot and he felt it was mostly him. He seemed to be trying to talk and be a little affectionate. I was so sick I was not really jazzed about being intimate. I was also ... frustrated? irritable? I had cleaned up poop, pee, snot, food from the floor, broken up fights, my back hurt from picking up our son, leaning over to give baths, etc etc etc. I wanted (needed) a bit of appreciation and all would be fine. When we got to talking he did say (somewhat uncomfortably) "I appreciate you letting me have a few days to myself."
Well, he proceeded to try and hold my hand, say he loved me, but I was still feeling tension within myself. Finally when he tried to take my pants off, I said wait, I'm not saying no, I just need to talk for a second. He listened. I said, "You said some very hurtful things before you left, and while I do genuinely appreciate your affection right now, I feel like ignoring the fact that those things were said is allowing myself to be walked on." Silence...I think we were laying next to one another, so we couldn't see each other's faces. I then asked, "do you remember what you said?" He said, "not exactly." I told him, "When I told you the kids needed you, you said they were the only reason you came home and when I said I was tired of dealing with this, you said I was about to not have to deal with it any longer." He said (in a monotone) "I'm sorry, Robin, I love you." I tried to take that and run with it. It DID take me a while to warm up. I was not at ALLLLL stimulated/excited, so I was pretty jumpy/touch sensitive, but we did have nice sex. (Even though I could barely breathe because of my stuffy nose.) He went down on me for a long time and it felt really good, but I admit, I just laid there. As of late, I've been pretty good about letting myself go and "responding" but I wasn't in that place this time. I did tell him the next day that his technique was near perfect. He said you didn't act like it. I said there was a lot of tension, from both of us. It wasn't like normal, but I'm proud of us for both pushing through our own uncomfortable feelings and making one another a priority. We pulled ourselves out of something we would have in the past wallowed in for days of entitilement. He seemed to agree and said no more.
So LAST NIGHT, (Mon) we had agreed the night before that he would help me highlight my hair. He was obviously in "trying mode." Being a little more helpful with the kids, brought lunch home, saying he loved me, etc. Not passionate, not normal yet, but trying. I appreciated it and tried to show it by being cheerful and sweet back (hence, the "your technique was perfect" comment). He said something about wanting to be naughty with me and I kind of chuckled. He was doing something with his phone and said "look". He pulled up the pic I sent him when he was out of town last (that he asked for and I was uncomfortable taking and sending but I did it.) He held it up and said, look at that, that's awesome! and then imitated jacking off on it. I know, this is supposed to be flattering... I tried to take it for the compliment it was intended as.
9:00 or so, I had to run to the store for milk and juice. He said, "PLEASE don't be gone long, I wanted to be with you tonight." I said, "ok, did you remember about my highlights?" He said no he hadn't. I said also, I'm SICK! I'm not saying no, but there's too much to squeeze into too little time and I'm not feeling good. So I left, when I came back we watched a bit of tv together and I didn't mention the hair thing. I was still horribly stuffy, but we did have sex. When he initiated doing something kinky (can I lick your [censored]?), I gently asked why he liked to do that. He recoiled and said why do you have to ask? We had sex but no kinkiness.
This morning, I still felt terribly sick and he had to wake me up to take care of baby son who woke extra early and he had to leave for work early. I was dead tired, trying to make coffee. He hugged me, we hugged for a long time. I thought I had done a good thing to not get hung up on "you promised me we would have time to do my hair" or "I'm sick" and we had sex two nights in a row. After a moment, he said, "when you're not sick anymore," (I thought he was going to ask me to get the house in order), he said "will you be naughty with me?" I don't remember all the in between conversation, and it probably doesn't matter, but at one point said "but I guess I'm vague and blah blah blah (couldn't hear him) so I guess I'm F@c$ed!" He said he didn't want it to turn into a "pile of [censored] like this" and I said it's not, I'm listening. He walked out then came right back and said forcefully, almost in tears:
"Your (the?) past bothers me. I need you to make me feel special. You say I'm vague when I say I want you to be naughty. If just once you would turn over and say, "lick my a$$hole," it would blow my mind. I need you to be excited. That's all I'm gonna say!!"
