I was a WAW ... waaaaaaaaay before I found DB. He was abusive, but if I had found DB way ba ck then, I would have healed a lot sooner,changed a lot of my behaviors sooner and made fewer relationship mistakes (I sure hope so, anyway ).
Originally Posted By: sg
PH--he just stayed mean and very bitter. If at ANY point after he left, if he had been kind and decent, to me and the kids, ... at least while my kids were growing up, I would have considered it seriously, because I so believe in marriage and my vows.
13 years later, he's still bitter. He remarried for 2 years, they divorced...she never met my kids, she was 20 years younger, he says she cheated on him, but he says that about me, and that isn't true.
I think it is a somewhat unique situation, although a girl I work with is going through pretty much the same thing. (Although, where in my company work, which is in corporate America, oddly enough, there are good marriages all around me).
The thing that I have seen and experience have the most success, and I certainly am not an expert, just talking about my life and the board....is REAL GIVING. (Do a search on this site and look in DR). It certainly made a difference in my life.
Now did I try real giving with my exH? A little. It made things worse. It made him jealous. I may not have gotten it right. I didn't DB ... I had never heard of it then (1994).
But I have since then, and it really makes a huge difference. AND I get it in return.
Originally Posted By: sg
In my situation...
If he would have just been decent at all I would have kept stayed. After I had learned about DB, there would have been things I could have done to make the situation much better. I was pretty classic. I shut up, started working on myself, I wasn't consciously preparing to leave, if I had, I would have saved money.
But I did start exercising, losing weight, started a direct selling business, got my confidence up, decided to go back to school (hadn't made actual plans). I thought it would make him happier. He got meaner.
It took being with someone who wasn't like that for me to see the actions of MINE that weren't 'working'. When we broke up, I fell apart, and found Michele. YEAH. Peace of mind.
I'm not the most perfect DBer. I am the most grateful for DB.
Originally Posted By: sg
I would have stayed if he would have stopped being abusive. And when I was mature enough, I would have tried to learn REAL GIVING. I would have built from there.
I soooooooo believe in this.
I'm so lucky that my SO responds with REAL GIVING to me as well. But that was the key to this relationship. The glue that holds us together. For some it is their sexual relationship---but then--that turns out to be the REAL GIVING there. For some, it's their activities together....etc.
It's learning to try to give what YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS AND WANTS. Not what you think they should appreciate that you are giving.
It doesn't fulfill your whole life. It isn't meant to. You fulfill your life. This fulfills the relationship. The love that grows people. Grows their hearts.
Michele once told me something like.... G is a package. He comes with a package. No matter how much he loves you, he won't become a different person.
So ... even when you're piecing.... this person isn't going to be your whole life, isn't going to be the end all be all for most people (some people do find that, I think)....but it isn't necessary.
