I was a WAW ... waaaaaaaaay before I found DB. He was abusive, but if I had found DB way ba ck then, I would have healed a lot sooner,changed a lot of my behaviors sooner and made fewer relationship mistakes (I sure hope so, anyway ).
Originally Posted By: sg
PH--he just stayed mean and very bitter. If at ANY point after he left, if he had been kind and decent, to me and the kids, ... at least while my kids were growing up, I would have considered it seriously, because I so believe in marriage and my vows.
13 years later, he's still bitter. He remarried for 2 years, they divorced...she never met my kids, she was 20 years younger, he says she cheated on him, but he says that about me, and that isn't true.
I think it is a somewhat unique situation, although a girl I work with is going through pretty much the same thing. (Although, where in my company work, which is in corporate America, oddly enough, there are good marriages all around me).
The thing that I have seen and experience have the most success, and I certainly am not an expert, just talking about my life and the board....is REAL GIVING. (Do a search on this site and look in DR). It certainly made a difference in my life.
Now did I try real giving with my exH? A little. It made things worse. It made him jealous. I may not have gotten it right. I didn't DB ... I had never heard of it then (1994).
But I have since then, and it really makes a huge difference. AND I get it in return.
Originally Posted By: sg
In my situation...
If he would have just been decent at all I would have kept stayed. After I had learned about DB, there would have been things I could have done to make the situation much better. I was pretty classic. I shut up, started working on myself, I wasn't consciously preparing to leave, if I had, I would have saved money.
But I did start exercising, losing weight, started a direct selling business, got my confidence up, decided to go back to school (hadn't made actual plans). I thought it would make him happier. He got meaner.
It took being with someone who wasn't like that for me to see the actions of MINE that weren't 'working'. When we broke up, I fell apart, and found Michele. YEAH. Peace of mind.
I'm not the most perfect DBer. I am the most grateful for DB.
Originally Posted By: sg
I would have stayed if he would have stopped being abusive. And when I was mature enough, I would have tried to learn REAL GIVING. I would have built from there.
I soooooooo believe in this.
I'm so lucky that my SO responds with REAL GIVING to me as well. But that was the key to this relationship. The glue that holds us together. For some it is their sexual relationship---but then--that turns out to be the REAL GIVING there. For some, it's their activities together....etc.
It's learning to try to give what YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS AND WANTS. Not what you think they should appreciate that you are giving.
It doesn't fulfill your whole life. It isn't meant to. You fulfill your life. This fulfills the relationship. The love that grows people. Grows their hearts.
Michele once told me something like.... G is a package. He comes with a package. No matter how much he loves you, he won't become a different person.
So ... even when you're piecing.... this person isn't going to be your whole life, isn't going to be the end all be all for most people (some people do find that, I think)....but it isn't necessary.
I received another email from the boys today. I prayed about whether to contact my H, and felt comfortable enough to do so. Tonight, I forwarded the boys' last few emails and my most recent picture to my H.
I thought he'd appreciate reading the boys' email especially since their phone has been out of service and my H hasn't been able to reach them either.
I also "responded" to his previous reminders about the basement work by saying I know he reminded me a couple of times about he basement work and to just let me know what suits him. I mentioned this topic to let him now the door is still open for him to come visit me.
Summer, Thanks for the link. Will check it out later.
BTW, my H responded to my email! Here it is: I did not get your attached picture. Thanks for sending me the boys information. As S16 said, their phone is out and I have not really been keeping in touch well with them. I am not happy about that.
It sure is snowing a lot recently. Glad to here your neighbor is shoveling for you. Did you not get your snow blower to work?
Hopefully <the event> will go well. I have not practiced magic at all. I really need to do that before this weekend.
What is your schedule look like next week to finish your basement?
So next week is V-Day and he's not avoiding me next week? Hooray.... I haven't responded yet. Plan to do so tomorrow so I can resend the picture from my work laptop. The internet card doesn't seem to be working so even though I have the laptop with me, I can't use it. The wireless card doesn't work at home.
peace, Glad to hear you're thinking of getting the book. Here is the link to the website where you can order it - The Prodigal's Perspective. Let me know what you think of it, if you read it.
Wow, sounds like your H has been waiting to hear from you and wanting to make plans for the work in the basement next week? He certainly isn't trying to avoid you for valentine's day. Most guys would want to stay clear of any interaction around that time. I hope things go well.
BTW, did you book a vacation yet?
My cousin has the same dog as you and she told me she has to put him down. It's so sad and made me think about you today.
Hope all is well.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Wow, sounds like your H has been waiting to hear from you and wanting to make plans for the work in the basement next week?
It's interesting you say that he was waiting to hear from me. It's interesting to note that my email (which consisted of an email exchange over a couple of weeks with the boys), covered quite a few topics - boys promising to email me before V-day, boys hoping I have a nice "festival", me telling the boys about the driveway "miracle", me attaching a picture taken at a work event, me bringing up that he reminded me twive about the basement and me saying to just let me know what suits him (in terms of his schedule).
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BTW, did you book a vacation yet?
What a coincidence you asked! I JUST booked it last night. I am going to that place - really looking forward to 1 week of it.
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My cousin has the same dog as you and she told me she has to put him down. It's so sad and made me think about you today.
Oh, so sad. Why did he have to be put down? It's sweet of you to think of me and of my dog who passed away. You know, my baby's 1st anniversary of being gone is exactly 2 weeks away. I think I am going to email about it on that day to remind my H.
BTW, V-Day is also a very significant day to me for another reason. This year, V-Day will be my 7th anniversary of my cancer survival. I am thinking of celebrating it somehow - maybe go out to lunch with a friend. If not, I'll go out by myself.
Yesterday, it was nice going out to lunch with some co-workers to celebrate a festival. Today, met up with a group of former co-workers. We had some good laughs. Tonight, I went to the dance studio for ballroom night. I had to force myself to go because it seemed such an effort to drive there and walk around in the snow. BUT, I had an awesome time there. It was Tango lesson tonight - nice dance. Also danced Rumba, Cha Cha, Waltz, Fox Trot, East Coast Swing, Lindy Hop.
Hope all is well with you too. Hope you got in to your singing class. Hugs, PH
Hey sg, Thank you! Congrats to you too for surviving cancer. It does make a difference, doesn't to have gone through the experience? Yep - it's really good to make the most of life, and living in the moment, instead of worrying about the past (which I can't change) and being anxious for the future.
so sad. Why did he have to be put down? It's sweet of you to think of me and of my dog who passed away. You know, my baby's 1st anniversary of being gone is exactly 2 weeks away. I think I am going to email about it on that day to remind my H.