How would it feel to tell her you are not interested in being lectured, but that when she wants to have a convo you'd like to hear her thoughts/insights?
Then again we all have our moments when we just want to bitch and take it out on whomever we perceive to be the bane of our existance.
Although I get annoyed, I try to not act on it because I think that most of the time they may be bitching at us but it really isn't about us. I discovered this first hand last week when W left me a message complaining about something and then told me later in the day that she was having a bad day. Now that I have calmed down, I can't see how any good would come from me getting upset with her. Cooler heads prevail as my father says.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Tonight I wanted to get in to it with her but I chose to validate her and just say "yes you are right, I should spend more time working on the kids homework". However in validating her I feel like a wimp and that her and OW are just having a laugh about how easily W can get im my face and I don't do anything about it.
It was very compassionate of you to be patient with your W and not get angry at her. Is there a way you could validate her without taking the blame for it? Would it work to say something like "I am sorry that you had to correct the spelling mistakes. I will try to see if I can spend more time with him or find a better way to teach him to spell." I doubt that she and OW are making fun of you. She probably appreciates it deep down and notices how hard you work to keep the family together.
I think PH has the right idea. Don't ever worry about what your W or the OP is thinking about you. It doesn't matter. You are a great person, I think she knows it, it drives her nuts but it is probably what will draw her back to you. The insanity will probably become too much and she will want the good life again.
And I think Law is spot on. She may be feeling strongly about you post-niceties so she gets upset and you get unloaded on. I would stay positive that you are probably on her mind.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I think it's in her subconscious which is why it happens the way it does, it could also be a way for her to make herself feel better about what she has done.
Example:
She calls to tell you that you are messing up yet again (this validates her reasoning behind leaving)
I was just re reading where you said "you're right" as a means of validating her. Maybe you could try "I am sorry you feel that way" it still validates without you assuming blame.
UPDATE .....I've been away for a few days mostly because I needed a break and also I've had nothing much to say. W has been miserable all week. I've barely talked to her and when I did, she was miserable, short and quick to see me out the door.
We had snow storms on 2 days this week and the kids were late the first day and didn't go to school at all on the second (Ws week with the kids). On the first day I got a call from the school asking where the kids were. They had called W at all her numbers and could not get anyone. W hadn't bothered to call the school and tell them the kids would be late. This is not at all like W. I called W too and she didn't answer so I sent her an email saying that the school had called and asking what was going on. She never did reply and I found out the kids made it to school when I called to see what the school had heard. The next day W had S8 call me and tell me that they weren't going to school that day. I'm wondering why they were as late as they were. I drove twice as far in the snow storm in 1/4 of the time that it would have taken OW to drive to drop off the kids. I'm thinking there was some other reason. Perhaps she didn't want to drive them. This would account for them not going the next day too.
I found out last night that W has pnuemonia too and that is making her misserable also but I think there is something else going on. W is still insisting that we switch the kids every 2 weeks and I hadn't been able to figure out why. Esspecially when the kids hate the idea and it was their idea in the first place. However, when I picked the kids up earlier today S8 told me that W wants every 2 weeks because OW doesn't like moving her cats to Ws house every week. So it seems W has chosen OWs cats over the needs of her own children. NICE!
All of this is telling me that W and OWs R is faltering. I have no idea to what extent but all does not seem to be well in paradise. This is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I found out last night that W has pnuemonia too and that is making her misserable also but I think there is something else going on.
That could explain why she didn't want to drive the kids to school, and perhaps OW didn't want to help out either?
Quote:
All of this is telling me that W and OWs R is faltering. I have no idea to what extent but all does not seem to be well in paradise. This is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.
As Bob Steinkemp's The Prodigal's Perspective mentions, the far country is NOT paradis. They try so hard to have us LBS believe that things are fine over there but that is far from true. Good for you!
