There is one big topic that I haven't excavated yet. I don't really talk about it with people or on the board because it makes me feel so sad and discouraged and also it involves bringing up a lot of negativity about my B. But I feel like for me to "get it" I need to look at this stuff sooner or later. I am going to try to keep this short, but it is a pretty big can of worms, so I'm not sure exactly where to begin or end.
Basically, I feel like B subconsciously chose his career over being able to be with me. That is so painful. And even if he returns to move forward and start a new R with open heart and open arms, I do not know how we will be able to make it work unless he recalibrates his thinking. Because his thinking around the bomb involved no flexibility at all with his plans.
While he was the one struggling with the distance, I was the one who offered to take a leave of absence from school/career to deal with the crisis. It seems like it never crossed his mind to say, "Wow, I am freaking out because we do not have Time Together and Physical Touch. Maybe *I* should take a leave of absence from my jobs and move to Atlanta so I can work on my R and have my emotional needs be met." And when he determined that his career and his R seemed to be "mutually exclusive," it seems like it never crossed his mind to say, "Wow, my R and my career do not seem to be compatible. how can I adjust my career so I can save my R?" He just decided to leave his R. Why couldn't he say to his group, "I'm sorry, this plan won't work for my partner, so it won't work for me? How can we create a new plan?"
B's career plan mystifies me right now. Sorry to give a backstory, but basically: right before I moved to ATL, B had the chance to join a string quartet in new york and that's why he moved there. I supported him because it was a great opportunity. But once I realized that he was making long-term plans with the group, I felt threatened. Before he joined the group, he told me he didn't think he was compatible with the group because the group was trying to do a residency in the midwest and that wasn't something that he wanted. Later they started working towards a residency in Iowa which didn't work out. I didn't get super concerned because our "modus operandi" has been not to freak out about opportunities that might take us apart until they actually materialize. But it continued to bother me that we weren't working on our plans for the future together. Then, a little over year later when he dropped the bomb, he told me "It doesn't make sense for you (transformer) to be in North Dakota", apparently referring to a possible move there. But WHY are they trying to go to north dakota, of all godforsaken places? (Sorry to offend any DB'ers who are north dakotans... it is not a geographically desireable place for most classical musicians). Basically, they would be creating an opportunity out of nothing. This is what I do not understand. If they can create an opportunity out of nothing, why not create an opportunity somewhere where I could also grow and be happy?
The "Normal Path" for becoming a "Successful String Quartet" basically involves: going to a place devoid of cultural life and filling that void, while getting good as a group; gradually working up to a slightly better place; then a slightly better place; so over the course of many decades you eventually get to a decent place.
This plan doesn't make sense to me... How could they relocate, with their partners/spouses, to a place that has so little employment opportunity for anyone, much less the other creative musician types that they would be interested in as partners? Not to mention the fact that for the first several years no one in the quartet will be making enough money to support a partner.
When I decided to come to grad school, that was a 2-3 year commitment to a degree. But when he joined his string quartet, he made a potentially lifelong commitment to work with these three other people. I feel like he is married to them, and that there is no room for me to have any input into his decisions. How can people truly be in an adult relationship together if one person is making all the big decisions?
The other people in his group are all a little bit younger. Unlike B, 2 of 3 have never been out of school, just went straight from college to grad and then doctoral programs and are still recieving parental support. None of them are in serious relationships.
There was a point, around the bomb, where I was willing to chuck my own plans to be with B. But now I think, why should I have to sacrifice my dreams so he can follow his? Why can't we just work together to come up with a plan where we could *both* follow our dreams?
It sucks to talk about it, but I know that this can't be the only time when someone has chosen their career over connecting to their partner. Because people take crap on the job that they would never stand for in an R.
The other thing that seems strange is it seems like the same issues in the R that became "dealbreakers"-- B feeling like he didn't know who he was and was just "going along with the plan"-- seem to be getting played out in his career as well.
