with strength and hope4

[Rollercoasterider]

Short1,

My hardest issue. Not the marriage back, but that he has what it takes..which being honest..is really am I worthy of him? ...I am strong for sure, but it is the strength of endurance, not the strength of self confidence.

That is helpful to understand and insightful that you recongize your type of strength.
So you know where you need to work and grow.
Now that you know, what is your plan of action for that?

When have you had self-confidence? What have the conditions been, what were you doing, what were others doing? What external and internal conditions help you believe in yourself?

What do you need to do to become self-confident?

I'm not asking rhetorical questions. Answer them here, to yourself or with your therapist.

Most of my doubt about my H comes from my childhood. My parents were drunk all the time. Their actions made no sense. ...My parents never got better, only worse. ...So when I woke up to my H acting crazy..it was very hard for me to believe he would/could stop.

That explains it. What can you do to change it?

You cannot change your husband.
You cannot make him get better.
You cannot force him to grow.
You could not fix your parents either.

Do you harbour blame for your parents?

Maybe having Faith in a positive outcome is having Faith that God is handling the outcome and whatever happens has positive aspects. God will facilitate your husband's healing in His and his time, which may differ greatly from your time.
But that healing may not be what you want it to be. We don't get to dictate the healing or the fix.

He feels anything and everything I ever did is worthless.

I think this is my projection. I feel worthless.

Interesting, and good that you recognize this.

I can tell you that you are not worthless--you aren't.
But that seems a bit empty. You seem strong, bright, curious, willing to learn and grow, caring etc. But you need to find your worth rather than read empty words.

So how do you measure worth?
Maybe your measurement standards are faulty. Such as measuring worth only through financial status.
Or perhaps how you are figureing the data improperly? You forgot to figure in something.

What do you need to do to feel worthy?
To feel worthy as you are now AND to become worthy?

Maybe you are just fooling us and you are a junkie who kills cats, belittles children and cheats the eldery out of their retirement.
And if that is the case, what can you do to make yourself worthy--in your own eyes?

I don't have an answer, this is your journey.

I am not sure how to validate a feeling about something that is not true. Yes it was true for him, he felt it. But the fact was the business was fine. So how do you validate a feeling that is based on false data...like a spreadsheet. I would say I know he feels this..lets look at the numbers and see if the feeling is sound or just fear. If sound, we could address it. Now I wonder if I should have asked...what would help put your mind at ease?

See? You've got the answers!

How would your outlook be if instead you made the automatic assumption that he will grow and thus he will exit the MLC tunnel rather than becoming stuck.

I would relax.

Okay, good. Now add positive assumptions and affirmations about your Self. Believe in both of you.

I lose faith in myself and my goals. I get a lot of pressure and cave. I think I have to stop talking to anyone about anything.

Faith and Belief in yourself is a main issue--Self-confidence will come from those.
as for discussing your situation with others...for some stopping is a good choice. If you are unable to withstand the pressure, stop. But your goal is to find that Faith, belief and confidence so that what others think and want wll not matter. Do what you want because it is what you feel will be best for you.
Self-respect is more important than respect of others. It's nice to have the latter, but not if it comes at the expense of the former.

but you stated earlier that you think reality is what happens.. actions, behavior, things that can be observed by everyone. That seems a staunch Left-Brained statement to me.

No not really..I am much more right brain.
...my childhood was something I endured by holding on to the external. Attaching to the solid world gave me stability. My parents reinvented reality moment to moment and all of it scary. When you grow up with this you either retreat into your own world (my H) or grab on the only thing not in flux..the solid world.(me) It is about staying sane in an insane environment.

You seem in touch with you Right-Brain, it was just that the comment seemed out of place for that. But you also seem balanced.
Your explanation makes your intial comment understandable.

Yes, I can [walk the tightrope]. Will I? I don't don't know right now. Mostly I think I need a break from thinking about it.

Yes, take a break; a long one. No Contact was one of my favourite boundaries. But Drop-Ins, especially clingy ones, will push those boundaries and try to have contact. Part of the tightrope is balancing the contact.
No picnic outings, but it may be necessary to get together to complete your taxes...

Yes, you need to Let him do it. But if YOU file, aren't you being a little to active in the process?

Too late. I filed for divorce in May 07
...I have also decided to let him guide any divorce stuff. I will continue to protect what we have and that's it. let him do the work. I will respond as needed.

I knew you filed, but this last comment is what I meant. Be passive in the legal process.

You're doing fine. You impressed me from the beginning with how well you were handling this. Just trust your Self.

Remember that book you recommended back in December, Passionate Marriage? It is an excellent resource. It isn't just about sex, the main themes is about finding Self and Strength, he just mingles that with sex.

The MLCer's journey is al about him. That's why we say don't take the various antics personally.

But your journey is all about you. Finding your Self and Embracing your Self. You're already doing a great job. No Contact will help with that focus.

HUGS,
RCR