So if my own H said, I just can't give you anything more, I probably would have had to end the M. It is hard to even write that now because we are doing so much better and I am so grateful that I did not have to make that choice.
Yes, but remember that the choice does get even harder when ending the marriage means the other person keeps your kids away from you nearly all the time at your expense.
Of course that's not a completely foregone conclusion. You could tell her that unless she becomes a real wife to you that you will end the marriage and if she tries to get sole custody you will make it as difficult and expensive as humanly possible. You might even arrange to record her the next time she "jokingly" threatens to kill you if you try to be a real presence in their lives without living like a monk. Can't hurt.
The really messed up part is that holding the upper hand over you really diminishes her attraction toward you. I wonder if this is a big part of many women's sex drive "mysteriously" vanishing after the kids are born... knowing that he'll fall in line and take an awful lot of crap because they both know she can probably take his kids away any time she feels like it, and her possession of the upper hand kills her attraction and respect.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
