Wife's MLC???

[SirPrizeMe]

Fyre, sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone! We're all here pulling for you.

Tough weekend, this was my first full weekend seperated from W.

Good for you, you made it. You watched the superbowl. you had some fun. Come on, you can do this. Be strong, Fyremn.

She comes by sat night and we talk, she tells me she has been talking with another man, nothing is going on but they are just talking and she wanted to let me know. I didn't handle it well, set back # 475 and counting..

Sorry this was a setback for you. What I have done when this happened to me, when I reacted in a way that I saw, later, was not so good... Rather than go back and re-hash it with her, I just apologize quietly, not make a big deal of it. Then, by myself, quietly, I think about how I could have handled it differently. Alternative approaches I could have tried, and how the outcome might have been different. I use it as a case study to learn from. I even rehearse it in my head. I imagine the scene unfolding in a different way, with me reacting in a calmer way, a better way. I try to get really visual with these scenes. When I was a competitive swimmer, I used to use this - visualize myself swimming the race I wanted to swim, from the start, to the turns, to the breaths, everything, the more detailed the better. Even down to the goal time on the clock. This helped me realize my goal in swimming. I use something like this in imagining discussions with my wife.

We talked again on Sunday, she called.. I dropped off my dog before going to a Superbowl party, we talked some more, actually had a good talk on Sunday. But she is driving me nuts with the revisionist history of our marriage. I had to hear about how romantic her friends husband is towards his wife, which is complete BS because I know them both and they have their problems also. And why we never did anything romantic or fun..

Glad to hear you are talking.

couple things. You will see the advice on this forum on relationship talk as "no R talk". This isn't quite true - it really is, "don't initiate R talk."

Second, if she wants to talk, good for you! Your job is to listen. Listen, empathize, really understand her point of view. Look for ways to NOT argue. If she says your marriage was complete sh!t, then find a way to empathize. "Oh, that's horrible, it must have been terrible for you. I wouldn't have been able to stand it if I felt that way!" Don't look to avoid responsibility. Don't say "it wasn't my fault." a phrase like "I had no idea!" could go either way - empathetic yes, but also could be construed as ducking responsibility. so be careful.

Maintain your honesty and integrity without spoiling for a fight. Everyone here, and I mean everyone, hears the same revisionist history stuff. It's painful to hear but it is where she is at the moment. Don't try to persuade her she is wrong, seeing things incorrectly, has clouded thinking, etc. (Yes, I did this.)

Sometimes now, when my W would accuse me of some hurtful action, rather than disagree directly, I would say, "what I remember is..." and then I would repeat what I remembered. This happened several times recently where she recalled me making threats to her, serious threats about taking the children away from her, denying her custody, and so on. And I said "what I remember from the conversation is this: ..." and I would make clear that I had no intention to make that threat and I regret that she felt I was threatening her, and I am sorry for all of that.

In another case she remembers me "Waving a knife at her". In actuality, what happened was, I took a knife from the block and put it on the counter and said "here, why don't you just stab me?!" (good DBing, huh?) This was the 3nd day after I found out about her affair and things were pretty charged and she was still secretly calling the man. This was before I learned about DB, and I was acting from a place of hurt. Anyway.... Well now you see, that incident has evolved into me threatening her with a knife. And so I apologize for it. I have apologized 30 times for it, and I keep doing so, because she keeps reviving it as "waving a knife at her." When I apologize, I reframe it to what I remember, without saying "here's how I remember it" which feels to me like too much disagreement. I say "I am sorry for ever touching that knife, when I told you I felt like I was being stabbed. That was scary and over-theatrical and I regret it."

And in some cases, she remembers things that I just don't want to disagree on. she remembers that I kept her from her family and friends. I have no idea how to refute this quietly, so I just empathize. The best idea I could come up with was to challenge her, "Exactly HOW did I keep you from your friends and family?" but that seems pretty provocative, so I just skip it. There's no action of mine behind her accusation, it's just an expression of pain within her.

Woke up this morning just plain lonely and tired. This life really sucks right now. Think I am going to call and go see a counselor and see what they can do to help..

Yes it does suck for you. I know it.

Dude, can you take some time for yourself and do something that makes you smile today? And then maybe after that, can you take some time to be thoughtful about how to be more solid for your W in those situations? can you "review the game tape" and think about how you might better handle things if something similar comes up again? She wants a man who is strong and resilient and wise and confident. Regardless of what she says now, that is what she truly wants. That is what she is attracted to, long term. If that's so, then you want to get yourself to that place of confidence and strength.