An affair to get back at an affair?

[RefuseToLose]

running --

I totally agree with you. In fact, I'm prepared for her if she says she wants someone to move out.

I'll simply tell her, she has enough money in her savings to afford a place for 4-6 months and if she thinks her leaving would give her the time and space she needs, then she should go.

I'm not the one who needs space, so honestly, I'm not leaving. The state of Arizona has my back on this one as I don't have to leave my own house.

Thus, don't worry, if anyone is leaving, it is her and my D and I will stay here and move forward.

[RefuseToLose]

I've also decided that if the ring comes off, it will be for me and my health, not to put myself officially "back on the market."

In fact, as long as I'm still married, the only love affairs I'm planning on having are with myself and my daughter.

[runningoutoftime]

Good for you! That sounds very wise. I know this is difficult, but try to do your best to emotionally detach from her. Focus on yourself and your daughter. And if she wants to leave, wish her luck and let her go her way. I don't know if you've ever heard that corny old saying, "If you love something let it go. If it was meant to be it will return." There's some surprising truth in it.

[RefuseToLose]

Running -

Thank you for the kind words. The hardest part is the letting go. However, if it is meant to be, I have to let it happen and not try and control the outcome.

I've been listening to Sting's "If you love somebody, set them free" from time to time to reinforce what you've said.

Trying to control her will only insure that she'll leave and our marriage is over for ever.

I have no other options except to detach, let her go her own way, work on myself and my D and see what happens.

I still may take the ring off however. I had it off for a bit yesterday and it was a little empowering, to be honest. I'm not sure why, but it gave me some confidence that I can survive on my own again.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted.
RTL

[RefuseToLose]

I've got the ring off today. I'm going to experiment with it and see how it makes me feel.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Talk to you all later,
RTL

[RefuseToLose]

Ok, the ring off experiment didn't last long. I've only had it off for a few hours and I've been miserable.

I HATE NOT HAVING IT ON! In fact, I was so embarassed of my bare finger and what message it may send that I spent almost the entire class period teaching with my left hand in my pocket.

I wasn't sure how I would feel, but I had to try and I'm glad I did. I am proud to be married to my wife. I am proud to tell the world I'm married and I am proud to show my wife my committment by keeping the ring on at all times.

As soon as I get home, the ring is back on for good. It is a part of me. It completes me. It gives me confidence.

I can have it on and be proud of my commitment.

I can't wait to get home and feel complete again. I wish now I would have put it in my pocket for the day.

[runningoutoftime]

Oh, at work wear it. I always wore mine to work... except after he filed for divorce. But maybe when you go to the gym, or out with some guy friends take it off for awhile and see how it feels.... if you want to...

I'm glad you are doing this for you and not for her. During my marriage I think I mostly did it to see how my husband would react, and if he'd even comment or care if I had it on or not. But he didn't. I think he was too self-absorbed at that time. But, after he filed for divorce I took it off because I needed to mentally accept that my marriage was over and I needed to start a new life.

[RefuseToLose]

I definitely will wear it at work, but I may not have it on if I'm out and about.

I'm not going to have any love affairs that aren't with my wife, daughter, or myself, but I may take it off if I'm out to be able to harmlessly flirt to help my self-esteem a little.

However, I've decided that under no circumstance will I start up anything while I'm still married. That would do nothing but muddy the waters and I'd still have to face my daughter one day.

I may try it, but I also my have it on 24/7 like always. In either case, it will continue to be about me as my motivation with everything needs to center around rebuilding me.

There will never be an us again unless there is a healthy me 1st. Even then, there may never be an us again, but at least there will be a healthy me.
RTL

[runningoutoftime]

RTL,

I think you have a good attitude. Hang in there and keep focusing on you and emotionally detaching from your wife. Consider her someone temporarily crazy and you are going to give her some space to find her sanity. Don't take anything she says seriously (or personally) even if she's intending it that way. Just smile, agree (no matter how crazy or wrong), or say, "I hear you," and go your own way.

[Drew]

I wear my ring. It's MY choice and no one else's.

Rings