But, they can get there. Think positive. Don't focus on the negatives. Life is too short.
I keep thinking about the old saying "if you love something (someone), set them free". I think it works. I have to remind myself about it multiple times a day. If it is meant to be she will come back.
I think the missing part for you john (in following up with woog's post) is the spiritual part. You see, it became a whole lot easier for me to eat away the time when I really understood "if it is meant to be". Simply put, it is. Meant to be, commanded, ordained. However you want to word it. You and your W belong to each other.
If you get to a point where you are ready to understand "hope" and "faith", you'll find the peace you are missing. And by faith, I not only mean the spiritual aspect (God), but faith in yourself as a good man and a loving husband and a great father; faith in your W as someone who really does love you and is sidetracked; and faith in your M and R. When you get there, then the unconditional part or agape love is easy. There is nothing my wife can say or do that will sway me. It is all just circumstances. She knows it. I know it. And contrary to my therapist who still thinks I'm in denial - my D will be busted. And I'll venture to say sooner rather then later. It's truly about faith. Once you have it, the peace follows.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Gumba, I think i have gotten to unconditional love (or close to it anyway). I have a question though. Even though i love my w unconditionally and probably will for life, there are certain aspects of her present behaviour that need to change in order for me to "grow old with her". Does this make sense to you? getting back to Woog's statement, life is short. i have certain values and I need to have those present in my partner's life or I will not feel comfortable going forward. At this point I am hopeful that things are going in the right direction. That is why I said earlier that things are not where I would like them to be.
There are certain things about my W's behavior that I don't want back either. However, I'm sure they will go away if and when she decides to come back to me. Therefore, I'm not worried about them. Why worry, we can't change them.
I'm not a really spiritual person. I am simply finding a good place in my heart and my head so I can move forward.
Woog - not "if and when" - just "when", as long as you keep doing what you're doing and can withstand the trials. That's faith. Got to have it.
John - sorry man, I don't think you're there yet. Unconditional is unconditional. The question is, if the certain behaviors you are not fond of don't change, then what?
Here's something Michele wrote in 2001 - I kinda wish she would update it and make it a little more succinct. John, you're stuck at stage 3 ... you need to get to stage 4. But we are forever bouncing between the first 3 stages. Hope it helps.
Hi, John. Thinking of you. Have you read the book The Power of a Praying Husband? I have The Power of a Praying Wife and it really helped me. It helped me to see things from a different perspective. Check it out and tell me what you think.
Your wife is a lucky lady b/c you are fighting for her. Not fighting her, but fighting for her.
One day she will know just how lucky she is and thank you for it.
LadyDi books mentioned written by Sheila( I think) OMartin
Strange but nice evening.......right after supper, W tells me that the realtor finally called her back. Needless to say i was a little surprised....I just said I guess you are moving forward or some words to that effect...I feel like you just punched me in the stomach. she said it is not up for sale yet. A few weeks ago I would have probably lost my temper or stopped talking or shut down. Tonight however I did none of that. W then looked me stright in the eye, teared up and said I am going to need you no matter what. She said she needed to work on herself and she believes in destiny. If we are meant to be together we will be. There is a definate change in her, I can see it in her eyes.....I know I can't press too much but i need to find a way for her to seek help and stay married to me. I again mentionned the hurt our D7 would go through for no "real" reason. She said that is that the only thing you are worried about? I replied "listen i told you I love you unconditionally, however I am in a much better place than i was. I want to protect D7 if I can". We cuddled for at least a 1/2 hr. She asked me if i started hitting on women or if women were hitting on me. I answered that that is the furthest thing from my mind. I won't be doing anything close tothat until i know it is over. Then she asked when will it be over. I said I guess if we get divorced that would pretty much signal it was over. I asked her if the same questins and she said there were guys hitting on her and she found it annoying and no she has no interest in anyone. She reiterated that she needed help. We exchanged some kisses. I would not say they were back to normal but 3/4 of the way there. We also had a few laughs. I don't know what to make of all this other than the fact that i know that it would be a shame if we do in fact go our seperate ways. I know now (I saw it in her eyes) that she ismuch more attached to me than she is willing to admit. After Saturday night and now tonight, I am more encouraged yet i am very cautious, I just need to be strong, more upbeat and not apply any pressure. Whew, what a night! The rollercoaster continues but I see a change in her eyes.
It's all good, john. Yet another intimate moment she wanted to share with you. And she's filled with doubt and reservation. It's all good. Keep the forward momentum. She needs you to help her get better. What does a loving husband do?
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
That sounds like progress to me. Keeping your cool was a huge positive. I'm sure she expected you to go the other way. Keep focusing on "showing" her the new you.
Be prepared for ups and downs. It's likely she'll pull back before moving closer so don't react negatively if that happens and don't chase. Keep giving her space.
