The Long and Winding Road...

[JennyF]

OK B,
I'm not one for false hopes, and I don't think you have expectations one way or the other...but, I think her IM was positive.

I just wanted to say thank you again for coming over last night to help take care of me.
I am still very sick. But hopefully soon I'll kick this thing!

If you are available to get together this week, I think we really need to talk seriously about some things between you and I.

I just think that if it was serious 'bad', that it would have been sent on a separate note....not while thanking you.

Anyway, I have a hunch that she still doesn't have an answer for you, but I'll bet that the conversation will be about your R. If she is wanting to sit down and talk seriously, even if she is leaning one way or the other...she is ready to chat it out. So I think you should definitely prepare yourself for some serious listening and validating.
Try not to focus on what she is going to say to you, just prepare yourself and Act As If she is going to say what you want. I think with the way your W has been acting lately...she's feeling you out. You've had the benefit of hearing some of what she thought you've done wrong in the R. You've been showing her changes, so she wants to know how seriously you took what she said. Again, my hunch is she is reaching out to you.
Have you read this "Listening Reflectively"...(or maybe you orignally posted it just like the picnic analogy!)...I always read this before I know H and I are going to have a 'talk'.

Listening Reflectivley


While this method can seem awkward at first can be a very successful techniques for improving your relationships.

1...Remain silent while your partner is speaking. Do not interrupt. Let your partner speak for as long as they wish to. The more willingness you show to let them speak the more they will feel you are attempting to understand and that you value them and what they are saying to you. This encourages them to be open and honest with you.

2...Keep your body still and do not show impatience with what they are saying. You will convey impatience and disinterest if you fidget. (A really dumb thing to do here would be to look at your watch!!!) Body language is important,(while keeping your own body posture "open" at all times, aim to mirror the more open postures they display,they in turn may mimic yours as they begin to feel comfortable with you) if you fidget you could prevent the other person from revealing what's really on their mind and in their heart. (The heart or feeling connection you really must try to understand and empathise with.)

3...When your partner pauses it will generally signal that they are looking to see if you are really listening to them. Here all you need do is show acknowledgement that you are listening and attempting to understand them. Keep your comment brief..."uh huh'..."yes"..."mmmmnnnn"..."yes, go on". You don't need to offer sympathy and you really shouldn't criticise or judge..Just be a listening ear.

4/...Keep your eyes focused on your partner while they are talking..Looking at your partner and maintaining eye contact builds intimacy and rapport.(Although as they talk they will often look away and from time to time look back at you just to make your your still listening.) Not looking at them implies that you are not listening, not really interested. it can also imply that you disagree (blocking out that you do not wish to see) with what they are saying.If you don't maintain eye contact then you will find your partner not opening up to you.

5/...Now and again when the other person pauses for a response from you, briefly sum up what they have said in your own words..If you can try to describe the feelings they have made you aware of better than they have themselves. This will help them to more clearly identify their own feelings; this will lead to a sense of rapport and unity with you.

6/...Don't express evaluations or opinions regarding the persons stated attitudes or feelings. This is hard to do and requires a lot of self discipline and practice.Don't Judge!. Do not criticize. Can you offer sympathy you might ask? And the answer is no... just try to be objective. Any thing along the lines of an opinion or judgement(either positive or negative)may make the person wish they hadn't opened up to you. You may find the communication closing down if you do.

But why not show sympathy ?,

Well even sympathy is a type of judgement. It tells your partner that you have stopped listening and started to evaluate before the other has chance to state all their case. (You must let them work through things). It can cast doubt on your ability to remain objective even when you side with them.

7/...Let the other person open up to you in their own time frame. Don't push or pressure, if they seem to ramble or wander around with no particular logic then let them...DON'T try to muster and round up the conversation in the direction you think it should go.

And make sure you look good...
J~
Don't worry...about a ting. Cause every little ting's, gonna be alright.
Wish I played guitar right now...