I went to the Super-Bowl 42 event at church, men’s activities program. Lots of food and the game was OK. I am not in to football but watch to have something to talk about.
BB doesn't want to go see the grandkids (GK) and our daughter (D) more than once a month, but I went anyway. BB feels I don't support her enough. I suck up to friends and our relatives. I think BB is too critical of some of the things relatives do/say, mostly towards her.
The once a month thing with BB also happened with her mother over a few words at a birthday party.
BB tells me I don't get it. I am not seeing the signs, that if some one doesn't invite me to their house, I shouldn't go see them. If I go to see the GK's and the parents (D) don't come to see us, they aren't interested in us and I am being a fool for being needy as BB calls it.
I went to see GK after the Super bowl, smiled, interacted with everyone else there, came home and didn't tell BB where I was.
I don't see why going to see the GKs is a problem for BB. Oh well, I guess that is life.
Washing machine Model GHW9150POW replies, also welcome.
I'm glad to hear that you went to see your D and GKs. Since when does a dad/grandpa need an invitation to see his daughter/grandkids? That makes no sense to me at all.
If you want to visit them then visit them! And tell BB that you did! It's too bad if she doesn't like it. Just because she doesn't want to see them doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't. You are allowed to have your own R with your daughter and grandkids.
I think it's so sad that families become estranged because of stubborn pride and foolishness. Life is just way too short. I have seen it happen in my family and cac's and I just don't get it.
Your BB is one unhappy woman, and it's not because of you, Lou. Sure, you may be enabling her behavior, but you are not causing her to be unhappy. She is.
BB is a crazy old lady who may well wind up alone in the house talking to herself with just her animals for company.
You have every right to visit your daughter and grand-kids as much as you want to Lou and they are lucky to have you for a dad/grandad.
My dad lives on his own now, he's as happy as a pig in muck, he phones me a couple of times a week. I phone him about once a month. I don't really keep track that's just a guess but I know he phones way more often than I do. I am always glad to hear from him and I never sense any resentment on his part for being the one to phone. My grandmother when she was alive practically never phoned unless it was your birthday. I would phone her about once every 3 months only to get an earful for not phoning more often - how encouraging is that?.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Mrs. Cac I think you are great. I was going to reply on your LDW thread. Let me say I see worlds of difference between a LDW that wants to prove LDW is normal, there isn’t much anyone can do about it so get used to a LDW. I don’t see any of that in your posts. I see someone making progress VS. like it or lump it in other situations. WTG & ^5.
Since when does a dad/grandpa need an invitation to see his daughter/grandkids? That makes no sense to me at all. I have an open, “call to make sure someone is home” invitation from D and SIL.
Just because she doesn't want to see them doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't BB wants to see the GK but at our house but thinks D needs to come to our house more often.
The problem starts with SIL has a short fuse, swears, doesn’t pay some of his bills, needs to grow up, and BB has a difficult time being around him. SIL & D go to MC and they are moving 8 hrs away.
BB thinks SIL will mistreat D and GK when they move. I think things will work out. BB tells me I cant see the writing on the wall. I want to support the good in their M so stay connected so if something happens in their M, they will both feel like they can talk to us.
I am concerned if this once a month thing continues, our d will see it as a sign to even become more distant, not call if something is rough for her.
SIL doesn’t talk to his parents much but will talk to me about issues that are on his mind.
Sure, you may be enabling her behavior, but you are not causing her to be unhappy. Enabling D and SIL is another of BB’s big concerns (too dumb to see the writing on the wall). As I reread the enabling, I see it also applies to how I interact with BB.
Hap just her animals for company. That might happen. I know she thinks pets are more dependable than people.
he's as happy as a pig in muck What? You saw my shop???? Maybe we are twins?
I don't really keep track that's just a guess but I know he phones way more often than I do. I don't keep track but BB does after the ratio goes over her limit.
I would phone her about once every 3 months only to get an earful for not phoning more often - how encouraging is that?. So you were a bad grand daughter too. Just kidding Fran. Sory that happened to you. ((((Fran))))
BB doesn't remind anyone to do much, but she does withdraw and feels a lot of resentment.
I asked BB to tell our D what is up from BB's POV, but she thinks any person with half a brain should be able to put two and two together and figure out what to do. That is where I supposedly lack social skills. I just keep showing up when not officially per visit invited.
SIL does have his problems that PO BB. I would say if the two of them were locked in a room for a day/week/month, there would be some serious insults thrown back and forth.
Lou, good for you. Do what you want and ignore BB's negativism. Go see the GK's as often as you want. Go to activities at the church-- do whatever. You don't owe it to BB to sit in the leaky boat with her while it sinks. (She is so much like my mother used to be when I was growing up.)
Lou - if my father were alive, I would hope he would stop by whenever he wanted to see his GD. Life is too short. My father was gone before I met my H. My DD will never know him, but I still tell her how much he would have loved her and would have wanted to spend time with her. I also think he would have been a positive influence on my H.
My mother has alzheimers and doesn't drive anymore, so we always have to go her house (she won't travel anymore outside of her hometown so we can't even invite her to stay). Again, life is too short.
Yeah, I should mention that I didn't know ANY of my four grandparents. Your GK's are so lucky that you live nearby and that you want to see them. I'm very envious of my friends who had and have close relationships with their grandparents. BB is absolutely full of cr@p on this point.
I was so lucky that my father's parents lived only a few doors away from us. My grandmother wasn't grandmotherly in the typical sense and I don't remember her hugging me, but she had all the time in the world to talk to me and I just treasured that.
When I went to college it was my grandparents who encouraged me to stick with it when I was disappointed. They made a very positive impact on my life and I will always be grateful.
I never met my mother's mother, even though she lived about 10 miles from where I grew up. She and my mother were estranged and they never resolved their issues. When my grandmother died I was in college. I remember standing next to my brother looking into her casket and she was just a stranger, an old woman I never knew.
My mother's sister (M) was also estranged from my grandmother. M's daughter, S, struck up a relationship with our grandmother several years before her death. S used to try to get me to contact our grandmother and my mother even offered to have my uncle take me to see my her but I didn't out of loyalty to my mother. I picked sides.
Lou, BB is being selfish. Your GKs may lose out on a R with her, but they don't have to lose out on a R with you.
(Lou) I asked BB to tell our D what is up from BB's POV, but she thinks any person with half a brain should be able to put two and two together and figure out what to do. That is where I supposedly lack social skills. I just keep showing up when not officially per visit invited.
BB seems to have a lot of anxiety about dealing with your D and SIL and covers that up by denigrating your social skills (maybe she knows you already question your social skills?). Your social skills appear to be in good shape to me. I don't know if it would be helpful or not but were I in your stead I'd be tempted to explain to BB that I don't put up with any passive-aggressive nonsense so unless D and SIL come right out and say they don't want me around so much, I'm going to visit them and my grandkids whenever I feel the urge.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Your social skills appear to be in good shape to me.
Ditto that.
I think you'd have a lot more energy, Lou, if you'd just drop the rope. Stop trying to get through to BB, to change her mind, to explain things to her.
Maybe we are twins? 
