HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[cat03]

It's only been a month and a half. It's not too soon?

I don't want to piss him off
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Of course it is not too soon, if he's not giving you what he ought to by law it is your right to file.
He is havign a great time not working, meanwhile you are getting a second job, do you see what's wrong with this pict?
He needs to man up and grow up and remember he has a daughter and bills to pay, you trying to appease him and burdening yourself won't teach him anything.
This has nothing to do with being vindictive or mean. If he is not giving you enough for bills and day care by law he can get in big trouble. He's only thinking and looking out for #1, himself. LIkewise, you must make sure you and d are taken care of.

[Virtually_Handsome]

To add to what cat said, I believe (admittedly without a lot of proof) that in the long run standing up for yourself and your child will be seen as a positive by your H. Not now, but later. He will see that you did what was right for your family. And he'll know that means you would do what's right for him, when he is part of the family. It might piss him off now, but that is irrelevant. Do what needs to be done!

[darkestangel]

Thanks for the kind words, guys.
At this point, I don't even know what I want. I don't know if I want this marriage, or not. Sometimes I think that the damage done is just beyond repair, but then I think about how short our separation has been so far, and how some of you have been through way worse, for much longer.

Funny how backsliding is the rule, rather than the exception.

Saturday, H came by to pick up D for the weekend. I did good, being somewhat distant yet still chitchatting. The night before I had made turkey meatload, which H loves, so i offered him the leftovers, which he happily took home.

Then he walked into the bedroom, where my computer was on. D@mn myspace! He saw my profile, and again made the comment, "Hey- look at your new profile. I haven't seen it before, because YOU took me off your Friends List."

I was ticked off that he keeps bringing it up, because I haven't brought up any of the horrible mean things he'd done to me (like the OW, for starters, or leaving us), but he gets upset over a little myspace thing like that. So I said, "Well, this is what you wanted. We have our seperate lives. I am your STBXW, and you are my STBXH. We're not friends, so I took you off." (Truth is, I took him off because of some obscene bulletins he posted.)

He says, "We're not friends? I thought we were friends."
I said, "Friends trust and respect each other."
He said, "I don't trust and respect you?"
I just about fell out of my chair.

How has any of his actions over the past 2 months reflected any amount of respect to me? It's almost like saying that he wants us to be friends, because then I'm not the ex-wife, I'm not the person he hurt. He doesn't want to acknowledge that person. He just wants everyone to be happy, and avoid anything that reminds him that we are married.

He still hasn't brought up actually doing any of the paperwork, he hasn't brought up the subject of divorce for over a month. He doesn't bring up the subject. Should I?

I am contemplating going dark. He's already living at his moms (has been since he dropped the bomb), I only see him when he picks up/ drops off D. And actually, because my new job needs me top be available Monday afternoons, I'm going to have to enroll D3 in daycare 5 days a week instead of 4. So, instead of dropping her off with me on Mondays, he'll be dropping her off at daycare. So we'll only cross paths when he picks her up on Saturdays.

Do you think that change will help or hurt? I have to do it, there's no other option.

[cat03]

he hasn't brought up the subject of divorce for over a month. He doesn't bring up the subject. Should I?
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Nope, don't do it, way too early! THere must be a huge chunk of your time when you believe this is hopeless. It still isn't, youve' been separated mere weeks. Unless you know 100% for sure you want a D, don't bring it up.

Well, if you'll be working and wont' see him much, that right there is almost like going dark.

He just wants everyone to be happy, and avoid anything that reminds him that we are married.
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Awww, you've been learning grasshopper. Yes, in his little twisted world, you are fine, he is fine, all is ok, he has done no damage, he isnt' hurting anyone.
I'd love to know wth is him mom thinking letting him get off the hook like this! that really makes me mad.

[darkestangel]

H just dropped off d3 (he was over an hour late... grrrrr.). He was telling me about his fun weekend, how he went out with his friends and tried sushi for the first time, and then kind of ran out the door.

I asked him, right when he was leaving, when we were going to start the paperwork. I guess I was looking for maybe a glimpse of some emotion in his face. Something.

I guess not.

He said he already started it. He met with the divorce mediator already, and gave him a thousand dollars (borrowed from his mother), and is waiting to be mailed some paperwork. Since we don't have any property, only debts and our child, it should be relatively uncomplicated. I asked him why he didn't mentioned it before, and he said because he thought I was going to be mad. His words were, "I thought you were going to kill me."

I said, "I'm past being mad at you, H."

And he left.

We're getting a divorce. I saw him take a cell phone out of his pocket (which must be new because he never had one before, or it belongs to OW) as he walked away.

We're getting divorced.

He won't talk to me. He doesn't initiate contact.

Time to go dark.

Please.... I need support today

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((darkestangel)))))

I don't have any real advice, or wisdom, but I do hugs around here, and you sound like you could use one! Take care of yourself, and your d! There may yet be another twist or turn in the plot, don't give up. But be the best angel you can be!

[cat03]

sending hugs your way))))) Please remember, regardless what happens, you will be ok, you can and will be happy))))) Keeping you in my prayers.
My H did put down $ for a lawyer, then ended up not using him. Still some hope, if it werent' for that enabling mother of his he prob could grow up a little and see what he is doing.

[darkestangel]

Today was my first day of working both jobs. I worked 8am-12pm at one job, 12:30pm-5:30pm at another. Picked up d3 at preschool, home, dinner, bathtime.

It was nice. I'm happier now than I have been in a long long time. Funny how one person leaving my life has made me feel like I am surrounded by people I love- my family, my friends, my coworkers. Why was I so worried about this new life of mine? It's nice not to walk on eggshells, not to worry that the one person you call your mate is just so eternally unhappy. It's nice to be able to go out on weekends, and to have a real life to call my own, not just as a mom and a wife but as ME. It's nice that his mood swings and crass words don't make or break my day, that I don't have to worry about his reckless spending or stepping out on our marriage.

Happier than I have been in years. Feeling like I found myself again.

Life is good. Ups and downs, always, but I feel more in control of my life than ever before. And somehow I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders

[cat03]

I'm happy to hear that!! you are doing great)))

[darkestangel]

A close friend of mine called me today. She has known both me and H since high school, she's a single mom and a good friend of ours. After H left, she came by a few times and I had a good cry.

H called her a few days ago. He told her his side of the story, and being a good friend, she didn't tell him that she & I had talked, and she didn't judge him. She said that in his negative side of things, he doesn't mention OW, or that he's cheated before or how he left. He doesn't mention that he left in one day, or that I caught him lying to me. He twists everything to make me look crazy.
And after talking for an hour or so, she said he started making her very uncomfortable. He was telling her how he always liked her, how she's so pretty and how he's single now and they should get together sometime. She said that she was uncomfortable that he was talking to her like that, so she ended the conversation, but he called back the next day. She changed her cell phone number, and gave me explicit instructions NOT to let him have her new number. SHe said it was one thing for him to disrespect himself so much, even worse to so blatantly disrespect me and our marriage, but SHE wasn't involved in this and she wasn't going to let him disrespect her because he felt it was okay.

The person he is now, is not someone I respect or want in my life. My friend kept apologizing, and saying she was sorry and didn't want to tell me, but she felt I should know. He has been so selfish lately, that it didn't even surprise me. He's making it easy for me NOT to want him. I haven't talked with him since he dropped off D3 late on Monday, and I haven't felt the urge to. For the first time, I feel absolutely ready to go dark, to drop the rope. It doesn't feel forced. Right now, he is not someone who deserves to have me in his life as long as he acts like this.