Wife's MLC???

[bombardier50]

Fyre,
I am in your shoes, fighting the same fire you're fighting, for over a year now. This is a good place to be. There are a lot of really fine people who will give you a shot in the arm when you need it.

I was in the Air Force, flew bombers for 20 years. Like you, did a lot of stuff that scared the hell out of me...but did it anyway. And like you, there has probably been a time or two when you thought you were dead meat. These experiences will give you the feeling that you're a pretty tough guy and you should be able to fix this whole relationship thing right quick.

And you are a pretty tough guy, but I can tell you from experience that this will be the most patience-trying, emotionally-scarring, gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, sorrow and pain-filled hell-on-earth you will ever experience. And it will seem to last f*cking forever. And you can't "fix it". She has to go through it on her own.

My W is doing or has done everything your W is doing. She's still in the middle of an EA, and has probably had a PA. She has rewritten our marriage history. I have gone for months without sex or even the slightest displays of physical affection...and my wife was a real tiger in the sack. And knowing that she has probably been like that with another guy has caused me exquisite emotional pain.

I have cried a lot (in private). Still do. I have felt like I was losing my mind. I have felt loneliness so deep and awful that I laid crumpled on the floor, sobbing like a baby.

Like you, this started with the empty nest...and then her mother died. I did everything wrong. I cried in front of her, begged, pleaded, had long talks about the relationship...etc., etc. Then I came here. The people here are amazing in their grace and wisdom. Some of them have been through this and have outstanding advice. Some of us, like me, are feeling what you're feeling, and will be here to do nothing more than to tell you we know how bad it hurts.

So on top of all the things you've been told already, let me add a few I've learned:

1. Go ahead and cry. Just do it in private, or on the shoulder of a good buddy. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you're human.

2. Make this your mantra: "No matter what happens, I will make it." Say this over and over until you believe it.

3. Go back to when you guys were just dating. Be that guy. That's who she fell in love with.

4. Drop the money and talk to a DB coach. Just do it. I ALWAYS felt better after talking to my coach.

5. And finally, try to detach and develop a sense of perspective. It's hard as a b*tch to do, but keep trying. I had a funny conversation with my doctor awhile back that illustrates the epitome of detachment. I was in the office for a bad cold, and he saw that I had started anti-depressants.

Doc: So what are you depressed about?
Me: Wife's having an MLC...having a tough time coping.
Doc: How long you been married?
Me: 23 years. Kids are grown and out of the house.
Doc: OK...so, you have any happy memories of those 23 years.
Me: Oh yeah...absolutely.
Doc: Are the kids happy and healthy?
Me: Absolutely.
Doc: OK...then screw her if she's being a pain in the ass. Dump her and go find yourself a hot 25 year old!

Allright...easier said than done...but it made me laugh.

Hang in there buddy.

Bomb