My only wish for you is that YOU are happy. I think we all agree on that.
We have seen each other through so much. This is all so sad that things turned out this way at all. That sadness is independent of whether they come back or not. It's important to know that, so that you're not hoping and trying for something just so that you don't have to be sad about the events of the last 2 years.
I am so proud of you. I am with Lissie. I am proud of your bold move, of choosing to be where YOU need to be, where it is good for HOPE. I am proud of your classes, your new career path, of thinking of your financial future, of getting out there and meeting new people. I am proud of you for being healthy again, and for looking toward healing no matter what the end.
Right and wrong is only your standards and what you choose for the rest of your life.
I admire you, and especially your H, for your honesty. This is rough. It's not all a bed of roses. In fact, it can be the very thing you feared and cannot stand. It can be everything you never wanted, or maybe all is OK. I admire you for being one to come here and tell the truth, as it is. I admire your H for being raw and telling the truth. For not sugarcoating your feelings, your reality. For being honest about the ups and downs. I admire your purpose with this post, which is to tell the truth about how some stories do end. I admire your pursuit of HONESTY. I admire that you guide others through what is real in your life, and not just what you want to portray.
Each one of us only knows what is real in our life, our situation. We can only make a guess to MLC, what it means, and the stages it might take. There is no magic blood test to say whether he is out of MLC. We can't guess to what he might really mean with his words. We are not scholars in psychiatry or MLC to say that the trend is that they all come back if you wait long enough. There are many here and in life who are years past the bomb and no sign of returning. Then there are some who do reconcile. Who knows.
I have to say this. To say that reconciling the marriage truly lies in the hands of the LBS, and that most do come back if you wait long enough and want it in the end...implies that the fate of your marriage is in your hands. While I think there is a lot that you do that does matter...I also firmly believe that there is only ONE fate that IS truly in YOUR hands. That is YOUR fate. Your life, your future. That is the only thing you can shape.
You have been a saint in patience, in love, and in grace. You have been my inspiration on many days, and my dear friend on many days when I called you sobbing. I don't know anyone who has done it like you. You have shown your H all the love in a return path home, you were a wonderful wife. You know, well enough, especially now, his thoughts on a choice for a possible D have nothing to do with you, but mostly with him and what he can live with. I don't agree with him, but only he can decide what he can live with. And, it takes 2.
Again. Back to what is really in your control. Just like we say that none of this was caused by us, I also believe that the crazy path of the crisis and final outcome, is also not caused entirely by us. Don't put that pressure on you. You have done everything right. More than right.
I believe that when my XH zonked out (for real), I could have been a Rhode Scholar supermodel, with the keys to a Porsche in one hand and $1 million in cash in the other, and he still would have left.
I also believe that I could have cooked out of Gourmet, been Perfect Wife, and offered to die or do anything for him, and it would not have kept him or reconciled it.
This is such a double edge. We hear, even from former MLCers, that nothing the LBS does would have mattered, but that little things did matter, basic things. We all, and you, did those basic things. Love, compassion, forgiveness. Trust that you did what really could have made any difference at all, if any. The rest, well...back to the supermodel analogy!
But, I will say that your H has been vocalizing his reality for a long time. He has been as sincere as he can be, with what he knows. Who are we to doubt the sincerity of his words. If we are, then we take the meaning out of his sorry, out of the depth and care of his answers to you.
I don't know what your ending is. I only know that you are an amazing woman, and I trust that it will be what you feel is right in your life.
