Priorities and tests of strength

[fearless]

I'm sure I said something like, "No, of course you don't need to stick around." She may have even pushed, saying, "I know you don't need me to stick around. Do you want me to stick around?" Back then, when I felt it was SO important to not be a burden, I might have even said, "no...please don't stick around."
...
Hairdog, who left out the part about how he can't believe he married someone so thoughtless (or clueless) that they'd bother to ask such a question.

I know it's hard to believe but some people actually prefer to be left alone. IF your wife is one of these people or grew up with people like that, she might have actually believed she was being considerate to ask if you WANTED her there. Or maybe she wanted to hear that you WANTED her. Whatever the reason might be it's not up to you to guess any more than it was up to her to guess what you really wanted.

I have to say that when people tell me that "I shouldn't have to tell my spouse what I want", I hear that as code words for "I'm uncomfortable with my wants and needs", "I'm not sure what I really want or need so this way I'm guaranteed that my spouse can't meet my needs unless I feel total happiness", "I'm afraid of expressing my wants or needs because I wonder how they will judge me", etc. So in general it seems to me that fear drives a lot of this behavior. Perfectly understandable and I sympathize. However it still can make it difficult for a loving partner to meet your needs if they don't understand them.

I happen to hate to shop. If someone doesn't know me, they may assume that giving me an afternoon at a mall would be a real treat. For many women it would be. But for me it would be a stressing, unpleasant afternoon. Is something "wrong" with me? Is something "wrong" with the person that didn't somehow "know" that I hate shopping? If I had never told them I hate shopping, how would they know? Maybe they were just trying to "guess" what I want.

Another true story (yawn) a good friend of mine had a serious surgery scheduled at the Mayo clinic 2 years ago. Her Long term boyfriend wanted to come out and be with her and she explicitly told him not to and she meant it. her mom was there with her and that's all she wanted. She was glad that he listened to her and took her wishes seriously. She told me she was really concerned he would end up out there and in no way would that have been a good thing. ETA[I think he was a classic Nice Guy with some covert contracts. He would do things and seem to expect her to react in a particular way]

We all have different ways of expressing out love and appreciation for others. Trying to judge whose way is "best" or "right" or determining that someone else should appreciate the same things we do seems like a recipe for disaster.