Reclaiming myself and my life

[frank_D]

I am pleased you have turned 'yourself' around so quickly but have to admit that I am sceptical that you have made permanent life changing moves that are going to keep you on a long term even keel so quickly - but hey - I don't know you and you are seemingly strong willed.

I didn't say I made 'permanent' life changes. I said I made changes and I'm in a better place. I didn't say I was done making changes. How could I be? I'm not God, I'm a man. I still hurt, I still feel anxiety, I still have issues.

I'm better than I was 4 weeks ago. I'm focusing on getting things done that will benefit me, and my kids, when W leaves. And I'm doing everything I can to detach from her - for my sake.

She doesn't detach from me though. She just came in all upset because her credit card processor charged her $99 membership fee even though she sent them a cancellation a week ago. She only had $180 in her checking. So now she can't do grocery shopping and when I suggested she use 'house money' she got angry and refused.

Did I want to give her a hug? Yes. Did she act like she needed one? No.

At the church service yesterday he read a quote from "If love is a game, these are the rules". It was from the chapter about 'loving yourself'. She bought the book (I already have it) and has started reading it. The first several chapters are about loving yourself, determining what kind of person you want in a relationship and how to BE in a relationship. The last chapters are about working through DIFFICULT times and how it is a test of your character when the other person has their down times.

It's the only book she has that doesn't have a 'you can just leave when it gets hard' section in it. Even the section where she talks about 'growth while in a relationship' she never talks about leaving when one person is stuck.

Anyway, it's interesting that she's reading something different.

[frank_D]

She seems ungrounded, unrooted, unspiritual, and the best illustration that comes to mind is that of a tumbleweed that's blown by the wind of circumstance and her emotions.

I think your post is on the mark and well stated. She does need to be shaken to the core. Maybe that will happen in the near future. Maybe not.

[AmyC]

You are. You're taking things personally again. I didn't say anything that was meant to be personal.

And no, I'm not 'peachy keen'. I'm better, and I don't need to be 2x4'rd because I don't post how 'better' I am in detail.

I always appreciate posts that have some bearing on my questions. Too many times I see posts that do not, and are often based on an incomplete picture of myself, and of my situation.

So, As you said 'why bother posting?'. Good question. In the past I was trying to share my experiences so that I and others could learn from them. That no longer seems to be a good idea because too many people seem to think I'm angry and bitter and obsessed with trying to control everything. I'm not.

So, I'm going to stop posting. It's actually hurting me more than it's helping me right now. Thanks for the support I've had so far.

Frank

Nice, Frank.
Add "become as ass" to your list of things to do, have you?

Every single person that has posted to you has done so in an attempt to help you. Some may not have known all the details but damn if they didn't step in and offer their thoughts and well wishes, applicable or not. You have responded viciously more than once lately and I recognize it because I ALSO DO IT when I am feeling hypersensitive. This isn't a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it is a WARNING.

Let me tell you something I notice about you, when you start doing the "work" on yourself (as you have), you tend to get a prideful air about you. I am sure if it is noticeable on the board, it is glaring at home.

Check yourself, your humility and your bitterness ASAP because what I am seeing ain't pretty and I don't care if it pisses you off that I said so. In fact, I don't care how you respond to this post and I will not be back to check so have a great day.

One tip for you since you don't need the board's responses, make your subject line "JOURNALING". That lets everyone know that you don't expect or want replies but are just processing some stuff via the written word.

Again, check yourself.

It might be a b*tch but it's better than you BECOMING one.

[saffie]

You know Frank, if you want insight into what your W is thinking then ask HER.

No-one else can possibly know - and it sounds from your view point, (via your posts), like she doesn't know either - or she is too scared to tell it to you as it is - for whatever reason.

It doesn't take Einstein to work out though that it is easier to love someone who is on top of their game and bringing in the money and keeping the family secure than it is to love a person who is bitter and self medicating with alcohol and is full of self pity.

You may have started making changes that make you feel better about you but I expect your W is left behind in the wake somewhere, trying to keep her head up and tread water until she can see what the outcome is going to be with you and your changes; are they for real or are they only temporary? What will Frank be like tomorrow, next week, next month?

I am very sorry for what you are going through now, and for how your W has hurt you both now and before. I feel very sorry for your W though as well - doesn't sound like she is having a ball either.

I don't believe you answered my question that I asked a couple of posts to you ago - do you still want to be M'd to your W?

[Jeff223]

Thank you Amy.

Good luck frank. I was only trying to help you. I spent time an energy on you - one man to another, one human being to another. But you tossed it back in my face once too often.

One of my NUTS is that I respect others, I expect the same in return and I will not tolerate disrespect.

So good luck.

One last tip: forget your W. If you want to understand the reason why you are where you are - you only need to find the nearest mirror.

[frank_D]

Nice, Frank.
Add "become as ass" to your list of things to do, have you?

Every single person that has posted to you has done so in an attempt to help you. Some may not have known all the details but damn if they didn't step in and offer their thoughts and well wishes, applicable or not. You have responded viciously more than once lately and I recognize it because I ALSO DO IT when I am feeling hypersensitive. This isn't a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it is a WARNING.

and some have offered 2x4's telling me what I'm posting about is wrong, and to stop asking questions about W, and to post about what I'm doing for ME.

Is that 'support'? It doesn't feel like it. I can't ask a question without getting either told how wrong I am, or not to ASK those questions. Or I get 'suggestions' that have little or no bearing on my situation.

Ok, I am a bit 'testy' right now. But my post about being 'not peachy keen but definately better' was not an attempt to 'be an ass'. I was sincerely trying to give people a reading on my temperature.

Let me tell you something I notice about you, when you start doing the "work" on yourself (as you have), you tend to get a prideful air about you. I am sure if it is noticeable on the board, it is glaring at home.

Maybe, but my recent posts are due to frustration because I'm not getting my questions answered, I'm getting TOLD what I SHOULD be doing and NOT to ask 'those questions'.

Check yourself, your humility and your bitterness ASAP because what I am seeing ain't pretty and I don't care if it pisses you off that I said so. In fact, I don't care how you respond to this post and I will not be back to check so have a great day.

I'm going to take what you've said and think about it. I'm sure I'm being angrier than I need to be. I'm going through a lot right now and it isn't easy.

I tried to say that, and that I'm getting better, but saying that gets me more angry responses.

[frank_D]

You know Frank, if you want insight into what your W is thinking then ask HER.

No-one else can possibly know - and it sounds from your view point, (via your posts), like she doesn't know either - or she is too scared to tell it to you as it is - for whatever reason.

It doesn't take Einstein to work out though that it is easier to love someone who is on top of their game and bringing in the money and keeping the family secure than it is to love a person who is bitter and self medicating with alcohol and is full of self pity.

You may have started making changes that make you feel better about you but I expect your W is left behind in the wake somewhere, trying to keep her head up and tread water until she can see what the outcome is going to be with you and your changes; are they for real or are they only temporary? What will Frank be like tomorrow, next week, next month?

Thanks Saffie, that's very insightful and helpful to me. I think I need to keep more to myself and not think about "what she's thinking". Whatever it is, it's about leaving, being free, something different in her life. And why not? She probably doesn't see any reason NOT to leave and I'm forced to 'detach' in order to save my own sanity right now. And I'm also forced to be aware of the EA she is having, and the bad state our financials are in all at the same time.

It's tough and I'm angry.

I am very sorry for what you are going through now, and for how your W has hurt you both now and before. I feel very sorry for your W though as well - doesn't sound like she is having a ball either.

No, it doesn't seem like it. The first 2 weeks were 'fun' and 'happy' but the reality that she and I won't be friends when she's gone and the reality of her financial situation seems to be hitting her hard. Today has been a hard morning for her. I offered to help with the credit card thing I mentioned but she didn't want help.

I don't believe you answered my question that I asked a couple of posts to you ago - do you still want to be M'd to your W?

Yes I do. I think that I have an understanding of the dynamic that has existed between us and I believe we can be happy together if we actually work at it instead of cycling like this.

And, if I free myself of the old guilt and fear that has been driving my failures in life.

The more I observe this situation, and the more I read posts like yours, the more I see I need to calm down and just get ready to ride out the storm. However it ends is unknown but no matter what I'm getting too worked up with all these interactions with her and with the hurt.

Kinder Gentler Frank keeps getting pushed to the edge and I go into 'survivor' mode instead. I know better, and anger / bitterness doesn't mix well in my personality as I am usually NOT that kind of guy.

Thanks to you and others for giving me a lot to think about.

[frank_D]

One last tip: forget your W. If you want to understand the reason why you are where you are - you only need to find the nearest mirror.

I did. I saw a tired man who is trying to do the best he can to save his life. One who weeks ago was at his emotional bottom, only to be kicked one more time by his W, causing things to get even worse.

Today, he is spending at least 50% of his day actually feeling 'ok'. The rest of the time he feels something close to 'hopeless'. But compared to 2 months ago, that's a lot less time feeling hopeless and alone.

Sometimes the pain hits me and won't go away right away. Usually when I interact with W. So I need to 'sort it out' by asking for help understanding those interactions. I can't ask here without being kicked by you for ASKING those questions.

So, I do look in the mirror and see a frustrated man who wants to have some peace in his life. I take enough abuse as it is.

[frank_D]

One more thing: Ellie, Saffie, Jeff223 and others. I don't mean to come across as a jerk. I've been very frustrated lately and I can see that it's coming across as impatience and frustration in my posts.

I'm sorry, it's not meant that way.

And I'm not that way when interacting with W, I'm a mixture of either 'disconnected' or 'assertive' depending on the situation.

[Bworl]

Oh my word! Are these actually ADULTS acting like this towards each other? For crying out loud...

Frank, I don't know you that well but I can tell you that you are intimidating on this board. Your strength and (usual) confidence come through clearly in what you write to other people. It's what has always stood out to me, and what made me always eager to read what you had to say to someone. But yes, sometimes a bit intimidating.

Jeff, you're one of the greatest guys I met on this board. Been through hell yourself, managed to walk out the other side still possessing your NUTS (lol) and your heart. Not an easy task.

And Amy, I don't know you very well either, but I've read enough of your posts and followed your story long enough to appreciate that you are passionate and extremely honest in all that you do. You call them like you see them, but you have a heart for seeing people find peace in their lives. And I get that you and Frank have a connection of sorts. I think because the two of you share a common personality.

Jeez, I don't even mention the rest because I know them even less than I know Jeff and Amy. But look at the input they've offered? Is it anything less that honest, caring, and from the heart?


Most of us have been through plenty of crap. We don't need more here.


Frank, everyone here cares alot about you and your life, whatever their reason might be. We just want to help. You're a bit prickly sometimes though, so how about trying to temper your frustration with us with the knowledge that most of us would do just about anything we could to help you. We're NOT part of your problem. We just want to help, and we're making honest efforts to do just that.


And for US? Can we cut Frank just maybe an iota of slack here? Yes, he gets pissy and when he does he tends to bark and speak in an angry voice. And maybe that's part of his problem, who knows. But he is going through the same nasty crap that most of us have been through, and he's doing it now for the freaking second time.

He's got a wife who is just emotionally out there in la la land, who's betrayed him once and appears to be in the market for a second swipe. He's got some of his own issues to deal with, and at the same time kids and bills. Doesn't he deserve just a little bit of a break from us when he "loses" it a bit?


Damn people. Let's not turn on our own.

Hopefully we've learned a few things going thru our own stories.


Blessings,

Bill