So I think I am now done. The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest for me in a good long time. Once the sep agreement was signed my wife practically wouldn't give me the time of day. A whole new round of feelings washed over me, really it was old, very old feelings, anger, bitterness, frustration and the biggest, a huge sense of rejection. She doesn't appear to miss me, think about me, worry about me. I do not think I am even on her radar screen anymore.
So on Saturday evening I wrote a good bye letter in my journal to my wife. Writing it and dealing with saying good bye has been painful to say the least. To finally just throw in the towel and decide to give up, to decide you can't love someone any more so you can move on. I packed up the few photos of her, of us together and family photos that I had at my place. I didn't want to be put in this position but it wasn't my choice in most regards.
I'm done but not at peace with being done, it hurts too d@mn much right now. I'd like to crawl back under a rock but that won't solve anything so I have to soldier on.
In the end I do know one thing, I have always had love, compassion and faith in my heart. I held to the commitment I made to her, to me and to God. But now it's time to let go of that commitment and start again fresh. Where I go from here I have no idea. What life holds, not a clue only that God has a plan for me and I have Faith in Him, in His plan.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
