H is back and I am lost !HELP!

[Firekeeper]

after 9 mo of ow and separation h said that he agrees to try for a year to build our m (of more than 20 years).

his decision came after horrific back and forth since xmas. well, all 9 mo was horrific but the intensity of the last part was unreal. he was completely going crazy. literally.

on xmas he said he broke off with ow. i agreed to celebrate xmas as a family w/kids (we have three in their twenties). it was good/fun time. altho he was adamant and insisting and talking how he missed me, how we have this deep bonding, etc. i was not ready to ml and we didn't. right before new year he said that he still loves ow and he can't commit to our m.

on new year morning he drove to the place where i celebrated ny with my friends and was extremely loving, romantic, etc. he said all the right words (how it was a mistake, how special i am, etc), we ml. i needed to go out of town. he followed me the next day because he said he missed me. we were intimate, it was good time.

couple days later - same story - he broke off due to having strong feelings towards ow. he left he said to see his friend out of state.

he came back to say that he saw ow and he decided to broke off with her completely and to give our relationship a chance and that is his final decision.

i think he is really committed this time. yes, we reconciled, ml. but then i asked him if he had sex w/ow when he saw her last time. he honestly said that he did and it helped him to make a decision that he wants to be with me. it did it to me. i was screaming as a wounded animal. all the pain of his affair that started with him having sex with her on mothers day, couple days after ml with me, and then having to read their email exchange saturated with sexual staff that was send to me by her previous boyfriend and everything else endured for the last 9 mo - came crushing on me.

i drove off. i calmed myself down. i came back. without listening to dozens of his messages of saying that it is in the past and please give him a chance and he is committed now, etc. i helped him with urgent work staff that i promised him i would help. he left the next day on business trip for a month.

i do not have strength to build neither physical nor emotional. i've been physically sick for the last two weeks. i am recovering slowly. he is nice on the phone. he says that he misses me and want me to fly to see him. i am hanging in but...i am lost and can not find myself