talked about to cac over the weekend about his smoking. I don't usually mention it because of the typical reasons: he's a grownup, I can't make him quit, nagging is counterproductive, etc. But it is a barrier. And of course, I'd like him to quit for the usual reasons: his health, his quality of life, even money. And because it was a turn off for me I was always aware that it was having an impact on his sex life because there have been, and continue to be, times that I chose to not initiate with him because of the smoking. But the key is that I always saw the situation as one where he would get more sex from me if he didn't smoke. And that continues to be true. But I also now see the situation as one where *I* would get more sex if he didn't smoke. I always disliked his habit, but now it ticks me off even more because it's cutting into my opportunities to have sex! Part of it is because I just want more sex now, but part of it is because it feels like the smoking is getting in my way of reaching my sexual potential.
I think it's great that you are owning your sexual preferences but be careful not to slip from dysfunctional LD thinking to dysfunctional HD thinking. Cac's smoking habit is not effecting your opportunities to have sex. Your decision to remain in a monogamous sexual relationship with a man who smokes is limiting your opportunities to have sex. Of course, it's not necessarily a bad thing to make conscious decisions that limit your sexuality. The important thing, IMO, is to actually make decisions in alignment with unrepressed personal preferences and not to just reflexively do the "right" or easy thing. I would have had a heck of a lot more respect for my 2bx if he had actually just said "I really would prefer to sexually interact with a woman who looks a bit more like Kylie Minogue than you." and left me in pursuit of that goal. BTW some of us who interacted with bad boys in our shameless youth actually find the smell of tobacco rather manly erotic, just like some grown-up bad boys actually do prefer women who look a bit more Anna Nicole Smith than Kylie Minogue.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
