Hi Essie, thanks for your continued help on my thread! You are being such a big help. I havent even got the books yet! They're in the post. I was wondering what the latest is with you...you and H moved to a new place didnt you? Have you made friends there and are you tempted to go back home or are you going to stay? How do you get to hear how he is (through mutual friends?). Did he contact you at all around your BD, other than that text message? So many questions ! Ali x ---------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Moved out: 26 Jan 08 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1343921
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi my update is not much is happening with H. No contact for a week.... And I'm really happy. I dont even really miss him - Yay!! The DB stuff has really worked to help me GAL.
I possibly have detached too much - but I dont care cause it feels great!
Have had a lovely weekend - doing so many 180's ATM, and having a ball. Went out both nights on the weekend. Last night a v. cute, v. sweet guy tried v. hard to get my phone number and was v. attentive all night. !!!! H would die of shock if he had seen me. I loved the attention, and felt great.
At the start of all this mess, I thought I would give our marriage a year (we need a year of separation before we can divorced) before I started even thinking about dating someone new. But now I'm starting to waver..... will give myself to the end of Feb, and see if H initiates any contact in that time.
I'm enjoying meeting new people, and discovering what I actually enjoy doing - those are my goals for 2008. If H decides he wants in, then great (but lets hope he has a bit of competition!)
I was checking on you and I am happy that you are over of one of those days (and nights), once again stronger.
Someone brought up what you said before about the year back being such a mess and how now is. Let me say this to keep it in mind for future reference (hope we won't need it very often)...
Sometimes when feeling really low, I found out it actually helps to remember all the BS they put us through during their decision(?) time and how all that made us feel back then. All the insecurity, anxiety, low self-esteem, tears, lies(probably),lack of respect, psycological abuse we went through because we allowed it to happen and how unfair all that was. And once you compare it with your/our sitch now that we are responsible for ourselves and our well being then everything becomes a bit clearer and hoopeful.
Just a thought. I am glad you are feeling better.
Kalni
PS Get the number, get the number, if he can't wait for you maybe he is interested in a very VERY long distance relationship...(you are supposed to laugh here)
I'm glad I was able to find your thread, because I've enjoyed the advice and encouragement you've been able to provide me in my struggles.
I think we have similar circumstances with our partners, and we both seem to understand the hows and whys of DBing. However, that doesn't make it any easier and I too, find myself missing my W terribly, even though we're living under the same roof.
In any event, I'll keep a watch on your situation and put in whatever two cents that may help along the way. I'm also hoping to continue to hear from you as my situation goes through its daily ups and downs.
You sound like you are doing very well, and I'll agree w/ Kalni, the dating may be a great thing. Just try and keep it friendly and not emotional or physical or you'll be abandoning your M before you may be truly ready to do so.
In the meantime, the attention and confidence you can get from attractive others is very, very healthy and healing for you right now.
Continue to enjoy life and I'll talk with you later. RTL
You sound like you are in a great place right now- I am so pleased for you! Congratulaions of attracting the attention of a cute and nice guy. I'm not surprised- you are a fantastic catch!! Did you get the number?!
Originally Posted By: Essie
If H decides he wants in, then great (but lets hope he has a bit of competition!)
Fantastic! Let's hope there is a bit of competition and that it will stir a 'triangular desire' (According to the Laws of Seduction, a triangular desire is where another person becomes interested in the object of our affections. That raises their 'social proof', which is a key determinant of attractiveness, and makes us desire them even more).
Hi - my weekly update.... nothing much new. No contact again from H. H's Aunty called me on the weekend - nice to catch up and lovely that she is thinking of me. She asked me a few questions, and asked me if would consider taking H back. I said I didnt know. Which is true, and I didn't want a yes or a no response to get back to H. The downside was that even that conversation made me feel overwhelming love for H again..... why is it so hard for me to detach?
I also started to clean out the office, which has all of the 'memory' stuff. I'm glad I feel strong enough to actually tackle it - I have been putting it off for a long time. I didn't go anywhere near the millions of photos of us traveling the world together - I know that would be too hard. But the rest of the memory stuff was enough to get me teary.
I don't understand how he could just walk away with only his clothes and a few bit and pieces. I still have all of his childhood things, and his CD's and books etc etc. I guess he just wants to walk away and forget about it all..... I wonder if it is as easy as he thought it would be?
OK - plan is to get through Valentine's Day - then I will have officially done all of the 'days'. I can 'stand' this week, and maybe the week after, and possibly the week after that.....
Just checking in! It was really nice of H's aunt to call you, and I think your response to her question about taking H back was perfect. I would not beat yourself up for feeling overwhelming love for your H- that shows how committed and loving an individual you are, and of course it's not going to be possible to just turn off the love. From where I am sitting (I know it's 12000 miles away!!), you are doing a brilliant job at looking after yourself.
Originally Posted By: Essie
I don't understand how he could just walk away with only his clothes and a few bit and pieces. ..... I wonder if it is as easy as he thought it would be?
I think the fact that H has gone without his things might indicate that he has somehow detached himself from the remainder of his life(?) I think (and I guess maybe a male poster can comment?) that men tend to be better at compartmentalising things than women, so perhaps he has just compartmentalised his things away from the rest of the confusion in his life at the moment.....
So, I have a question for you Essie. H has gone for some time without initiating contact hasn't he? Thinking about DBing and 'if something's not working, do something different', do you think there might be any value in you initiating a little contact with him? Just a 'hello, just wanted to say hello' type text perhaps? Just a thought as it seemed to work pretty well when you initiated a little contact with him a few weeks ago.
Hi Essie...I agree with OneDay, seeing as contact is tailing off...do you have much to lose at this point? Maybe be brave and contact him? I guess its hard because you might not want more rejection?
I totally empathise with your questions "I don't understand how he could just walk away with only his clothes and a few bit and pieces." I had the same thing with my BF..all the bits and bobs and furniture we chose together..he only took his books in the end as I kept suggesting things he might want. He basically took only those things he came into the R with 9 years ago. And dont get me started on our photos..I cant imagine he will ask me for them, as your H hasnt. Its so hurtful and hard to fathom I know.
My sister has broken up with the three long term men she has lived with and in each case, they did the same thing - even though those breakups were amicable etc, but the men still just took a few bits and clothes. My last BF also did this after we lived together for 3 years. I do think its a very male thing so try and detach from it. On the other hand, if he really did just "run" and not even stop to sort the office out and his childhood things,I dont think that points to a particularly healthy frame of mind? As for the photos, that is hurtful, but...I lived with my first love for 4 1/2 years, he never mentioned photos either. We were always pleased to run into one another over the years and then one day, 10 years later, he said to me..I've often thought about all our photos and how I dont have any, do you still have them and can you give me copies?
So...you never know. You have been such an inspiration to me, and really helped me. You are doing brilliantly and you seem very strong and capable, eventhough you miss him and it hurts. Wish I could pop over and give you a hug and share a vegemite sandwich with you! (or better still, Marmite) :-) Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi OneDay and Ali - thanks for checking in one me and your encouragement.
After reading your posts, I was sorely tempted to text H to say hi.... something in me says no its not right. I just don't want to be that girl that cant let go and appears desperate. Among other things.
I really wanted to have kids soon - H freaked out about that (which was surprising, cause before that he had wanted to and I wanted to wait....) There's issues like the baby thing and others that H needs to sort out and probably by himself. I just know that it would work so much better if he was the one that came to me when he is ready, and that anything I do will be interpreted as pressure etc.
But this weekend I plan to be home (I've stayed with my parents on Sat nights for the last 4 weeks), so if H visits next my door neighbor as he normally does on a Sunday morning, it might be less intimidating for him t pop over and see me. But I will have to try not to be disappointed if he doesn't come and see me.
If I get to the end of Feb with no contact, then I will ask you girls for suggestions about how to initiate some contact.
Wish me luck - I'm going for a job interview for a promotion on Thursday. i would really love the job and my boss has recommended me..... only problem is that I'm up against the CEO's brother!
